Venting I need to last till January

[6ixxy]

I need to stick around just a couple weeks more before I go, but this is getting unbearable for me. Just simply living is breaking me down so fucking hard & because I have a timescale, that date seems to be forever away.

Waking up is hard, putting on this facade for everyone who sees me where I'm smiling on the outside but really painfully suffering and dying on the inside, is hard.
I don't recall the last time I didn't have a happy thought that wasn't in some way related to getting out of this existence or worryingly morbid and intrusive.

I just need something, anything to make me hang on that little bit longer & push me into the new year, even though I know the pure amount of stress and tension it's going to put not only me, but my family under as well.

I don't know how I'm going to last, I'm praying I do last & nothing sends me over the edge.
Not to get all sentimental and soppy either, but some of you people on here really help others who otherwise wouldn't have anyone. 99% of the users I've spoke to are literal angels and I couldn't be more grateful I ended up here, even if it isn't the most happy thought filled place, feels like home.
Thank you.

 

[Mloureiro]

I know how you feel but at least ypu have a date and I can't. Just hold on in there, think of the little things that make you smile and come and talk whenever you need. You are stronger than you think. Big hug

 

[OneBigBlur]

Same, I need to last until Spring and I'm collapsing. I've been having the urge to recklessly attempt on New Years but I have to hold back to guarantee that I die but it's fucking torture.

 

[6ixxy]

I know how you feel but at least ypu have a date and I can't. Just hold on in there, think of the little things that make you smile and come and talk whenever you need. You are stronger than you think. Big hug

Feels like the world is collapsing on me so fucking hard in every way possible, I want to just curl up in a ball and disappear permanently
Nothing feels like it brings me happiness anymore, everything is just effort & causes pain in some way or another

Same, I need to last until Spring and I'm collapsing. I've been having the urge to recklessly attempt on New Years but I have to hold back to guarantee that I die but it's fucking torture.

I solely planned on not doing it before new year for the reason of not wanting to ruin everyone else's festive period where it's meant to be a nice time, for me it just isn't and I'm worried I may impulsively do an attempt, my body & mind are all pointing in that direction & I'm trying to fight it as hard as I can, I'm strong willed so I will do my best as should you, we got this

 

[Manja]

Start doing drugs

 

[6ixxy]

Start doing drugs

Currently the only drugs I have at my disposal are about 10 Ecstasy pills & 500mg of MDMA, not something I can do daily unless I want to add even more suffering with the lack of serotonin

 

[randomz]

What is causing that amount of pain to live? is it some form of work/school/familiy related stress. You might just want to leave that behind not life as a whole.

 

[Manja]

I was thinking heroin and the like...don't even know what mdma is...

 

[6ixxy]

What is causing that amount of pain to live? is it some form of work/school/familiy related stress. You might just want to leave that behind not life as a whole.

Everything, this time of year is particularly hard just because I associate it with shit events that seem to always happen round about now. But work is shit, I'm a somewhat intelligent person who's pissed it up the wall by wasting his time & I've cut myself so short of my potential to do well.
Family is shit, my mother is the only good family member I have. My day to day life at the minute is just as bad as well, I don't want to get better so I don't do anything to feel better, it's self destructive, I know but I just need to find some peace & vent as much as possible to tide me over before I go.

 

[randomz]

Everything, this time of year is particularly hard just because I associate it with shit events that seem to always happen round about now. But work is shit, I'm a somewhat intelligent person who's pissed it up the wall by wasting his time & I've cut myself so short of my potential to do well.
Family is shit, my mother is the only good family member I have. My day to day life at the minute is just as bad as well, I don't want to get better so I don't do anything to feel better, it's self destructive, I know but I just need to find some peace & vent as much as possible to tide me over before I go.

I completely understand how you feel. I had the same self-destructive feelings as you do about a month ago, but then therapy and ligh antidepressants kinda helped me a bit as my single desire is no longer to CTB and begun enjoying the stuff that makes me happy. I am far from the thought that I am completely healed and OK but it is a start and I believe that start can come for you too. My breaking point was when one day my body just kinda "got fed up" of all those months of depression and just said to itself "fuck it, I want to feel better already" and I stopped thinking at least a little bit about all the negativitiy that was inside me.

I still get panick attacks and am still far from recovering but as I said, don't give up on life - you can find a better job and friends and the desire for that will appear at some point, I believe that. In the meantime, have you tried videogames as a form of escapeism? They help me a lot.

 

[6ixxy]

I completely understand how you feel. I had the same self-destructive feelings as you do about a month ago, but then therapy and ligh antidepressants kinda helped me a bit as my single desire is no longer to CTB and begun enjoying the stuff that makes me happy. I am far from the thought that I am completely healed and OK but it is a start and I believe that start can come for you too. My breaking point was when one day my body just kinda "got fed up" of all those months of depression and just said to itself "fuck it, I want to feel better already" and I stopped thinking at least a little bit about all the negativitiy that was inside me.

I still get panick attacks and am still far from recovering but as I said, don't give up on life - you can find a better job and friends and the desire for that will appear at some point, I believe that. In the meantime, have you tried videogames as a form of escapeism? They help me a lot.

To cut it short, thanks but no thanks. I know you mean well but I'm done, I've had my bouts in the past but this is next level, this is my last stop and I don't intend or expect anything to change or make me think otherwise. I was moderately addicted to gaming, 10+ hours every single day sat at my desk. Yes it helped but it also crippled every other aspect of my life, my first CTB attempt I was actually in a much better place than this, I had a lot of life in me still, still gamed etc but wasn't enough, I'm now below rock bottom.

 

[Jean4]

This is a horrible time of the year for almost everybody in general. I know how you feel. My only suggestion is to post post post. It is the only thing keeping me here right now.

 

[6ixxy]

This is a horrible time of the year for almost everybody in general. I know how you feel. My only suggestion is to post post post. It is the only thing keeping me here right now.

This year is particularly hard for some reason, most likely due to my dramatic decrease in mental well-being. This forum is like a brief escape from it being able to openly talk about what may be considered taboo so you're right, it's one of the few things keeping me ticking over. Stay strong

 

[waterbottleman]

This forum is one of the most pleasant and nicest I've ever been on. It's amazing to me how supportive and polite people are to each other here. The world would be a better place if people just treated each other with basic kindness, acceptance, and a hesitation to judge others as we do here.

Juxtapose the way people talk to each other here to a typical comment section in YouTube, Reddit, Facebook, or some other mainstream forum where it's full of hate, judgement, negativity, and super toxic.

kind of mind blowing that out of all places on the internet, the forum full of the most love and support for total strangers is one about suicide.

 

[Farmmaa]

This forum is one of the most pleasant and nicest I've ever been on. It's amazing to me how supportive and polite people are to each other here. The world would be a better place if people just treated each other with basic kindness, acceptance, and a hesitation to judge others as we do here.

Juxtapose the way people talk to each other here to a typical comment section in YouTube, Reddit, Facebook, or some other mainstream forum where it's full of hate, judgement, negativity, and super toxic.

kind of mind blowing that out of all places on the internet, the forum full of the most love and support for total strangers is one about suicide.

I'm not sure if it's really that much of a surprise that people here are so caring towards one another.
It is entirely probable that many of us are empaths to begin with - which is why life kicks us down so hard. We feel everything to our very core... more so than the general population. We supress our own pain and grief in order to avoid burdening others until the weight of it all is simply too much to bear any longer.

 

[6ixxy]

I'm not sure if it's really that much of a surprise that people here are so caring towards one another.
It is entirely probable that many of us are empaths to begin with - which is why life kicks us down so hard. We feel everything to our very core... more so than the general population. We supress our own pain and grief in order to avoid burdening others until the weight of it all is simply too much to bear any longer.

You've hit the nail on the head with that right there. Beautifully said too

 

[Marz]

I also want to end after the festivities. It's hard to hold on... I just want to go so bad. I'm tired. I totally feel you. It just...sucks.

 

[6ixxy]

I also want to end after the festivities. It's hard to hold on... I just want to go so bad. I'm tired. I totally feel you. It just...sucks.

If I could extend my reach to give you a hug I would, we'll get through this.