i need to give up....

[Life_and_Death]

for so many reasons.....

im just hitting my head off the wall.....

i dont even know where to start........


im learning about values and what they mean. i knew before but i didnt think it was quite as serious. people (specifically significant others) can have different values, or at least i thought........ ive recently found out that my SO doesnt share my values like i thought (for years...).....and even though its 'not that serious' (its not like completely opposites, hes not missing values or anything..) its tearing me apart. it makes me feel like nothing, in some cases a clown...
and the chances of having that work out right is basically none....


and now im reading about "double/triple empathy" (which still doesnt make sense to me, i cant figure out where the "empathy" comes in , but i get what theyre saying) and basically no one has any hope in understanding me....... ive tried for years...on multiple different platforms, in multiple ways (even irl a bit).......for nothing....


im too different......im too specific....... im............. i feel like im just hurting myself by trying to "recover"........
can recovery actually be bad in some cases? i seem to be one of them........



and im honestly annoyed by my recovery.....im still suicidal, every day, i want to die. every sleep i dont want to wake up. but its only on a brain level.....my heart isnt into it like before......and its so frustrating.....i want to kms but without that "impulsivity" behind it i feel like i cant... and not even just "gruesome" methods but even going through MAiD....

im chronically depressed while being "better" with no hope at an actual life...........

 

[Hvergelmir]

In what values are you differing, and why is it so important?

 

[Life_and_Death]

why is it so important?

i cant really find the words for this one. i can say when it comes to friends or less its not as important (as long as its not something i wouldnt want to associated with, like wrongly breaking the law, kicking others when theyre down), but my SO not being on the same page as me feels like i got punched in the gut by someone with a fist the size of my gut......it just really hurts..

In what values are you differing

the 2 big things off the top of my head,
1) he doesnt share my spiritual beliefs, which is fine i dont expect him to. the thought of finding someone exactly like me honestly depresses me, i dont want that. especially since im wiccan. i understand im "on the fringe" and he tries but it just makes me feel like a clown (and waving my hands around to do spells, an already stigmatized action...doesnt help..)

2) he "doesnt care about others unless he cares about them". (i might be slightly off on my wording but hopefully its understandable), and as someone with a lot of issues, as someone that works hard to be considerate of others......that really hurts.......
like, he has/had this "joke" about throwing people in the garbage....when i was in high school people ACTUALLY tried to throw me in the garbage.....thats not funny...... but he probably doesnt care....because "you cant watch out for everyone". which i find interesting because i dont feel the need to make demeaning "jokes'......and......i dont want to associate with this......and it hurts...........

 

[Hvergelmir]

I can actually empathize with you on the wicca thing. As long as he shows acceptance and tolerance to it, and respect towards you as a practitioner, he can't be expected to have respect for the practice itself without subscribing to the belief system. Odds are that he has some aspect that you find silly, too.

The second thing (your wording is clear enough), is something you can confront though. Hopefully it's just ingrained habits and social behavior, rather than actively chosen disrespect.

 

[Life_and_Death]

The second thing (your wording is clear enough), is something you can confront though. Hopefully it's just ingrained habits and social behavior, rather than actively chosen disrespect.

i tried to about something different but same idea.... he told me "i cant control what others say", no but that doesnt mean i need to partake in the problems....... "i dont have the energy to care about others" doesnt it take more energy to say something than to not say it?? and that i was "censoring", i called it "being considerate of others" but sure. (i mean technically the definition isnt wrong but really? )

sounds like chosen disrespect to me at this point......

I can actually empathize with you on the wicca thing. As long as he shows acceptance and tolerance to it, and respect towards you as a practitioner, he can't be expected to have respect for the practice itself without subscribing to the belief system.

100% and i dont really expect that...i dont want to expect it...but i dont know how to get over my issue either..... it still hurts, and like my signature says "Your heart and your brain aren't the same. Just because you understand doesn't mean you don't still hurt"..

Odds are that he has some aspect that you find silly, too.

i mean, sort of...cute silly which might be taken that way i guess... but i try not to...hes put down enough for being a gamer, i wouldnt want to add to him feeling bad.

 

[Hvergelmir]

...sort of...cute silly [...] ...i wouldnt want to add to him feeling bad.

Neither should you. He has the right to be silly, and so do you. Hopefully you can take some comfort in it being mutual.
I totally get that the other end of silliness is ridicule, but still, try to see it in a light hearted way. Silliness is highly subjective, and often dissipate as you get a better understanding of it anyway.