i need to die. i need to gaslight myself and rewrite my brain into having thoughts of self harm and suicide every living moment that i spend alive. the only way i feel valid is when i feel this way. the only time i feel like i am moving in the right direction is when i cut deeper. i know that i am going to kill myself and i know how i am going to kill myself. i need to change the way that my mind works so that i can finally convince myself to let everything else go and die. i have changed the way i think before. mostly to please my exes and satisfy their strange fetishes. i have gaslighted myself into thinking that furries are hot and that dad body is attractive and feet should be used during sex. I know I can rewrite my brain. I need to make myself hopelessly depressed and I need to fill myself with enough self hatred that I finally let myself catch that pretty bus. I need to feel this way every moment that I can feel at all or else I won't kill myself. and I need to kill myself. all I want is to get worse. I wish I didn't have good parents and loving sisters. I wish my friends wouldn't make me promise not to kill myself to them. I wish my partners abused me more before they left me. I wish I hurt myself over losing them more. I have so many reasons already that I can blame my suicide on but all of them feel like I am lying to myself to make myself feel valid. if nothing else this post serves me as a reminder that I am not allowed to feel like I belong anywhere. I am not allowed to feel happy or excited or attractive or loved. it can only get worse. I will kill myself one day. I don't know why. I just know that I will and there is no way to change that.
TragedyBornCrimson
I accept my eternal punishment
- Oct 19, 2023
- 53
maniac116
My own worst enemy🌹💔
- Aug 10, 2024
- 768
Most ctbs take place after a person begins to recover from depression, when they have more energy. When a person is in depressed state we generally don't have the motivation or energy to go thru with it 
i'll plan accordingly then.Most ctbs take place after a person begins to recover from depression, when they have more energy. When a person is in depressed state we generally don't have the motivation or energy to go thru with it
l1felover
New Member
- Sep 7, 2024
- 4
realest fucking post I've ever read. it sounds stupid but honestly the reason I started sh was to have scars to validate myself and my problems. I don't even think I suffer. If I do suffer, so many people suffer more than me and they're people who actually are loved and have talents and reasons to live. I'm a loser with no talents or hobbies or future. It's not fair that a piece of shit like me who has hurt people and has caused pain and has the audacity to try to get help for his problems. I don't even want help. I want to get worse. I will do things to intentionally get worse, because it's just what I deserve. I'm so sick of this and I wish I could die already. I think I'm gonna OD on the antidepressants I probably don't even need.
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