Venting I need to get things off my chest

[BurningLights]

Fuck, I feel like today I've been chucked back down to earth and I'm starting to realise what I'm doing.
I just come back from am evening with daughter, it was nice, i was pretty vacant but engaged enough I think. It was an impromptu invite from her mother, I think she knows I'm at my lowest, and actually reaching out, which is bloody nice, don't get me wrong, bit I know her efforts will be going to waste, and seeing my Daughter laugh like she does, Jesus, it fucking hit me right there how devastated she's gonna be. I feel like a cunt getting her hopes up, but this is how it's meant to go, this was going to happen at some point anyway, I couldnt expect to CTB without feeling remorse or guilt, bit I haven't felt ANYTHING for a long time, now I'm thinking clearer... Its a heavy weight to bare.
Along with questioning my own beliefs on this whole DMT CTB. it bought me peace 'knowing' thatcthisbis how its meant to go. That I'll be forever lost in a realm beyond our own, travelling the universe at a million miles an hour... It makes me soind like a fucking Looney for fuck sake, I'm questioning my own... Sanity? Or something even deeper still,

Just seems like everything is starting to seem, real.

 

[your pathologist]

I believe everyone has someone they know they're going to devestate.
Peoples arguments against suicide often include
"what about your loved ones"
"When you die you just pass your pain onto everyone else"
"Suicide is selfish"
I don't think any of those people have been backed into a corner forced to contemplating the reasons that would convince someone to end their lives.
Tbh your idea of CTB that way isnt any weirder than anyone else's beliefs at least to me

 

[anthomaniac]

We all have a couple of people we know we're going to devastate with this decision. Though sometimes... it can also be a way of getting better, not to live for that person per se, but to live another day to see your daughter for example, laugh and talk with you, etc, getting smashed against that wall can either help or just push you deeper into the hole

 

[BurningLights]

Thanks guys, I really appreciate the replies, and you you taking the time to read, and to anyone else who has read it.
There's still something eating me up inside and I dont know what it is. I thought maybe if I write how I feel it would work, but I dunno.. I need to think, I think?

 

[TiredHorse]

seeing my Daughter laugh like she does, Jesus, it fucking hit me right there how devastated she's gonna be.

Ouch.

Ouch, ouch, ouch. I can barely imagine it, BurningLights. I am so very sorry.

I'm sure not going to try and talk you out of ctb, but Anthomaniac had a good thought:

it can also be a way of getting better, not to live for that person per se, but to live another day to see your daughter

Would there be a way forward in life if you focussed not so much on I don't want to hurt my daughter, but on I want to enjoy my daughter.

Looked at one way, it's selfish: you're focussing on doing something good for yourself, rather than on avoiding doing something bad to her. But maybe a little bit of selfishness, in seeking a joy you know sustains you, could make things better? And it might even be synergistic: your life improves by the joy she brings you --and her life improves by bringing you joy. It could be a win-win path forward.

It sounds like that would depend on her mother giving the green light for more time with you and your daughter, but... Maybe worth a couple weeks try?

 

[Fucking loving it]

I'm only here for my son. I guess I feel once he's 18 I'm free to CTB. I am his caretaker so I feel I can't go yet.... it's a struggle for me feeling pulled back and forth.

 

[your pathologist]

I'm only here for my son. I guess I feel once he's 18 I'm free to CTB. I am his caretaker so I feel I can't go yet.... it's a struggle for me feeling pulled back and forth.

I hope they're in a position to be set up for being stable independently.
I'm 23 and i've come back to live with my parents twice over the last 6 years.
I can say with full confidence
if they wouldn't have been there for me, i would've been dead/homeless twice now.

I'm not trying to judge you.
I just read your post and tried to imagine my life if my mother/father had killed themselves.

 

[Fucking loving it]

I hope they're in a position to be set up for being stable independently.
I'm 23 and i've come back to live with my parents twice over the last 6 years.
I can say with full confidence
if they wouldn't have been there for me, i would've been dead/homeless twice now.

I'm not trying to judge you.
I just read your post and tried to imagine my life if my mother/father had killed themselves.

I've also experienced living with my mother as an adult and being dependent on her.
So I get it. Time will tell I guess. He's my whole life. I only say 18 bc maybe he'll be ready to be on his own at that time.
All I can say is that for me it's very difficult being suicidal and a parent. For now I keep fighting.

 

[TAW122]

I'm sorry to hear about what you're going through and only you can decide when you are going to go. CTB'ing will almost always leave someone feeling bad, but the best you can do is to try to minimize that as much as possible.

 

[your pathologist]

I've also experienced living with my mother as an adult and being dependent on her.
So I get it. Time will tell I guess. He's my whole life. I only say 18 bc maybe he'll be ready to be on his own at that time.
All I can say is that for me it's very difficult being suicidal and a parent. For now I keep fighting.

I'm sure you're a wonderful parent.
Its like, i can justify taking my own life but i can't cope with the thought of one of them doing it.
its just scary.
I wouldn't be able to leave a kid like that
I can't imagine the regret you must be feeling...

 

[Fucking loving it]

I feel no regret bc I've done nothing.

 

[longingforrelease]

my friend, I so empathize with your situation. The last 2 years have been hell as I lost everything in my life that I cared about (through actions of my choosing). But I too have a young (10 years old) daughter. I love her more than I can describe. She has brought me such indescribable joy. But I fucked up the family and now live 10,000 miles from her. I only seem to catch her on skype every couple of weeks, So the person who kept me alive during the last couple of years is feeling like a fainter and fainter part of my life. It seems like she's moving on without me. But I still fear what ctb might do to her. It's the only dilemma I now face. Should I come to the final decision to ctb, I will use the SWB method so it looks like an accident, I pray this will lesson the impact on her. She will grieve anyway, of course, but an accident will save her the additional trauma and possible long term psychological effects. I have no advice or words of wisdom for you, just wanted you to know that others get it.

 

[BlackDragonof1989]

I can't imagine, I'm sorry you're hurting like this awuhrrr, you sound like a sweet father though I don't know you but I just have a feeling <3 *hugs you warmly*

 

[longingforrelease]

I can't imagine, I'm sorry you're hurting like this awuhrrr, you sound like a sweet father though I don't know you but I just have a feeling <3 *hugs you warmly*

thank you so much. Hugs received!

 

[Retched]

I just gotta thank people for not going nuts on people who have kids and are suicidal. It doesn't bypass parents to be suicidal, just like it doesn't bypass anyone. It is bad enough being suicidal and having kids then getting a whole ton of judgement placed on you because you are honest. Thank you!

 

[longingforrelease]

I just gotta thank people for not going nuts on people who have kids and are suicidal. It doesn't bypass parents to be suicidal, just like it doesn't bypass anyone. It is bad enough being suicidal and having kids then getting a whole ton of judgement placed on you because you are honest. Thank you!

thanks for sharing that.

 

[Retched]

thanks for sharing that.

You're welcome. I struggle. I know you do to.

 

[longingforrelease]

You're welcome. I struggle. I know you do to.

may peace find us both