Venting I NEED to ctb tonight

[theangelswept]

my apartments are doing routine check ups for the AC vents and fire alarms ((they do this once a year)) I am so stressed out by this every single year. I am dirt poor and barely make enough money to survive from my job so I also do SW on the side which brings me an extra few hundred dollars a month that I get to spend on rent in this terrible little apartment. My partner is currently cleaning in anticipation for this and I have been helping also. It is our anniversary tomorrow. I have no idea what to do. I want to ctb more than anything but I'm too scared to do it I wish something would just happen to me like a giant meteor leveling my apartment or like a car crash where everyone lives except me. Se sort of illness maybe that takes you in your sleep silently or getting struck by lightning. I just want it to be sudden and quick and not by my own hands. I am so traumatized by finding my mother after she had a failed attempt and she was covered in vomit and pills. I cannot go that way anymore. I need a new way. I need to be sedated somehow this is all too much.

 

[zekeyaeger]

I wish Nembutal was more accessible. It would end the pain for so many people in a humane manner.

 

[theangelswept]

I wish Nembutal was more accessible. It would end the pain for so many people in a humane manner.

I 100 percent agree I hate that pro life people love taking away our autonomy

 

[TennTrixie]

Can I ask what is SW?

 

[opheliaoveragain]

Can I ask what is SW?

s*x work. let's remain respectful. not pointed at you Trixie, it's ok to ask.

 

[TennTrixie]

Thanks for the response.

 

[maniac116]

Can I ask what is SW?

I think it's a reference to s*x work

 

[TennTrixie]

my apartments are doing routine check ups for the AC vents and fire alarms ((they do this once a year)) I am so stressed out by this every single year. I am dirt poor and barely make enough money to survive from my job so I also do SW on the side which brings me an extra few hundred dollars a month that I get to spend on rent in this terrible little apartment. My partner is currently cleaning in anticipation for this and I have been helping also. It is our anniversary tomorrow. I have no idea what to do. I want to ctb more than anything but I'm too scared to do it I wish something would just happen to me like a giant meteor leveling my apartment or like a car crash where everyone lives except me. Se sort of illness maybe that takes you in your sleep silently or getting struck by lightning. I just want it to be sudden and quick and not by my own hands. I am so traumatized by finding my mother after she had a failed attempt and she was covered in vomit and pills. I cannot go that way anymore. I need a new way. I need to be sedated somehow this is all too much.

What about the checking of the vents and fire alarms stresses you out? If someone else with these feelings experience the same thing they could offer words of comfort?

 

[theangelswept]

What about the checking of the vents and fire alarms stresses you out? If someone else with these feelings experience the same thing they could offer words of comfort?

It's stressful because sometimes the actual apartment managers come into my apartment with a little clip board to mark any damages or anything and I feel like I'm being judged the whole time. Also I do have secret damages to the apartment. Like a year into my lease I guess water was getting under the sink and like rotted part of it out. I've been there six years and have covered the hole with a big sink mat. And I have 3 cats and I'm really only supposed to have two so I have to put one in a carrier and drive them to my friends house. My partner is like a sponge and when I get freaked out he gets freaked out too. So I can't be scared or depressed without him also being scared and depressed. Part of me I think is the most scared that the apartment people are gonna try to kick us out but I keep trying to remind myself that it's been 6 years and we are more valuable to them as a source of passive income. I just hate it so much idk what to do.

 

[AbyssalAlien]

Alcohol + Xanax + Falling. Kills SI and you won't fail if it is 70 feet high.

 

[lostovertime]

It's stressful because sometimes the actual apartment managers come into my apartment with a little clip board to mark any damages or anything and I feel like I'm being judged the whole time. Also I do have secret damages to the apartment. Like a year into my lease I guess water was getting under the sink and like rotted part of it out. I've been there six years and have covered the hole with a big sink mat. And I have 3 cats and I'm really only supposed to have two so I have to put one in a carrier and drive them to my friends house. My partner is like a sponge and when I get freaked out he gets freaked out too. So I can't be scared or depressed without him also being scared and depressed. Part of me I think is the most scared that the apartment people are gonna try to kick us out but I keep trying to remind myself that it's been 6 years and we are more valuable to them as a source of passive income. I just hate it so much idk what to do.

You are probably very valuable to them. Take a deep breath This will pass

 

[SA1994EC]

It sounds like that you are just below the water surface gasping for the air. The surface is not low enough for you to breath easily but not high enough to suffocate you completely. I know the feeling. No matter what you do, no matter how hard you try, you cannot get a breakthrough. It is endless. I wish I had nice advice to you, but I don't. But I feel your struggle and pain, you are not the only one who suffer from it. You are not alone, I am with you.