dqngerous
i am the damned, i am the dead
- Nov 11, 2024
- 20
my girlfriend told me that my dad said he's worried about me. he's worried that i'll end up like him. i'm afraid i already have.
by "ending up like him" i mean he dropped out of art school because he was too busy partying and doing drugs. even though he was sober before having children he's now working way too hard for way too little. he doesn't even seem to understand that but that's another story.
i'm not in school. i can't drive. i can only work 15 hours a week. all because of this crippling social anxiety. no matter how i explain it to my family or my girlfriend or my therapist or my psychiatrist they just don't seem to understand how severe it is. they don't understand that i am incapable of participating in this society. i don't think i'm capable of independence. my sisters got it so easily. they both always had and have so many friends. they have no issues being social. they had no issues going to college, getting jobs, branching out into their own selves. and i'm just stuck.
i can never be like them. i can never amount to the potential everyone thought i had as a child. even though i was even socially awkward then.
as i'm writing this i've realized i've never done my own thing. i've always followed in my sisters' footsteps. the only extracurricular i ever did i only joined because my sister did it too. she was a senior while i was a freshman. and i forced my friends to join with me so i wouldn't be alone after she graduated. and my oldest sister did the same activity.
i can't believe i'm just now realizing AS I'M WRITING THIS that i've never really had my own sense of self. sure there's interests that i have to myself. but not really. it's all just a copy of whatever my sisters did.
plus, i'm completely codependent on my girlfriend. i'm happy when i'm with her but as soon as i'm without her i'm fucking miserable. she is the only person i feel truly comfortable around. i feel like i subconsciously have been relying on her for my happiness. which is not fair to her at all. but i don't know what to do anymore. if we broke up that would truly be the end of me. my friends from high school are all moving on to other people and i have no one. i have people in my life. i know they care about me and love me. but i still feel so fucking lonely. cus i know that if they knew how fucked i truly was in the head they'd leave me.
i don't even know what i'm talking about anymore. i got way off track. this whole vent started because i think i said something a little too depressing and worried my gf. i got too anxious over having to make a call and she said she doesn't know how to help me because she doesn't get it and i said no one does. whoops! :)
i need to be more careful.
if you read the whole thing, thank you, and sorry.
by "ending up like him" i mean he dropped out of art school because he was too busy partying and doing drugs. even though he was sober before having children he's now working way too hard for way too little. he doesn't even seem to understand that but that's another story.
i'm not in school. i can't drive. i can only work 15 hours a week. all because of this crippling social anxiety. no matter how i explain it to my family or my girlfriend or my therapist or my psychiatrist they just don't seem to understand how severe it is. they don't understand that i am incapable of participating in this society. i don't think i'm capable of independence. my sisters got it so easily. they both always had and have so many friends. they have no issues being social. they had no issues going to college, getting jobs, branching out into their own selves. and i'm just stuck.
i can never be like them. i can never amount to the potential everyone thought i had as a child. even though i was even socially awkward then.
as i'm writing this i've realized i've never done my own thing. i've always followed in my sisters' footsteps. the only extracurricular i ever did i only joined because my sister did it too. she was a senior while i was a freshman. and i forced my friends to join with me so i wouldn't be alone after she graduated. and my oldest sister did the same activity.
i can't believe i'm just now realizing AS I'M WRITING THIS that i've never really had my own sense of self. sure there's interests that i have to myself. but not really. it's all just a copy of whatever my sisters did.
plus, i'm completely codependent on my girlfriend. i'm happy when i'm with her but as soon as i'm without her i'm fucking miserable. she is the only person i feel truly comfortable around. i feel like i subconsciously have been relying on her for my happiness. which is not fair to her at all. but i don't know what to do anymore. if we broke up that would truly be the end of me. my friends from high school are all moving on to other people and i have no one. i have people in my life. i know they care about me and love me. but i still feel so fucking lonely. cus i know that if they knew how fucked i truly was in the head they'd leave me.
i don't even know what i'm talking about anymore. i got way off track. this whole vent started because i think i said something a little too depressing and worried my gf. i got too anxious over having to make a call and she said she doesn't know how to help me because she doesn't get it and i said no one does. whoops! :)
i need to be more careful.
if you read the whole thing, thank you, and sorry.
the last time i spoke up about suicidal ideations they upped my dosage and that's it!!!!! i've been consistently going to therapy for years now & nothings rlly changed 
maybe it's a me problem.
