I need someone to talk to...

[BorderlineSuixide]

Right so... I am just going to lay out my thoughts. I can't find a reason to stay alive and keep trying when all I ever feel is pain. I know what it's like to want to die, how it hurts to smile, how you try to fit in but you can't, how you hurt yourself on the outside to kill the thing on the inside.
I've learned that people just leave. Even if they have promised a thousand times that they won't. I think I've accepted the fact that I'll never be good enough for anyone. It's funny, because they have no idea that it's me who is deciding to leave this time.
everyone says destroy what destroys you. But what if the thing destroying you is yourself?
One minute I'm doing okay. And the next I feel like, the walls are closing in. I'm being caved in inside my own head. And my heart starts sounding like a thousand drums all at once to me. They don't get that it takes so fucking much for a person like us to come to the point where they want to hurt themselves. They don't get that it's a reaction on feeling worthless or feeling so empty that you have to hurt yourself because if you don't, it doesn't feel real. I can't even begin to count the scars and burns all over my body.
I'm afraid the story isn't finished happening. Sometimes I think there is no entirely true story I could tell. Because there are some things I just don't know, and other things I just can't say. Which is not a failure of memory, but one of language. I tell myself that what happened is "in the past". This is only partly true. In too many ways, the past is still with me. The past is written on my body. I carry it every single day. The past sometimes feels like it might kill. It is a very heavy burden.
And yet I am making it seem like its other people's fault that I am traumatised, broken. But now, I am a terrible person. I cheat, I lie, I hurt people, I fuck everything up. I hurt people because I can't stop hurting myself and now everyone hates me for it. You'd think that would make me want to stop. But all I dream of is taking a blade to my wrist and watching the crimson blood drip from my severed skin as I gently drift into my forever sleep.
I don't belong in this world. My soul escaped my body long ago, and by some awful miracle, I wake up after every slumber and it just isn't fair. I would like to go now. To a place I feel like I belong. I would like to end this life.
Just waking up and facing the day hurts. It claws its way through my chest, crushing what's left of me inside. Sitting there, eyes dropping, vision blurring. Are the words in front of me moving? I have no idea anymore.
Everyone on this site seems to have each other to pm and discuss their plans or how they feel. I just need someone to be close enough to I can finally tell the truth.

 

[Wallace]

I think you have told us how you feel, and that's a major step in the right direction. Welcome. We're all broken here, in our own unique ways.

 

[Iloveyouall]

It's hard to read you as I can feel your pain. I can't relate to what you're experiencing but I feel you. You can't be such a bad person if you feel you're a bad person. You're not a bad person, you're in pain. I understand you want someone to be close to you and open up fully. You can here, maybe it won't be easy but you can, nobody will judge you, that's why people come here, to open up because there is no other place to. Don't ever hesitate to pm me.

 

[William Barker]

If you need someone to talk to, I'm here for you, as others have been here for me.

Feel free to PM and talk my ear off.

 

[BlackPoppet]

Yes you can PM me too if you need.

 

[Donk]

hey im sorry you feel that way about yourself. i think all of us here has been haunted by our past. depression is hatred turned inwards. feel free to PM me.

 

[alwayssearching]

Right so... I am just going to lay out my thoughts. I can't find a reason to stay alive and keep trying when all I ever feel is pain. I know what it's like to want to die, how it hurts to smile, how you try to fit in but you can't, how you hurt yourself on the outside to kill the thing on the inside.
I've learned that people just leave. Even if they have promised a thousand times that they won't. I think I've accepted the fact that I'll never be good enough for anyone. It's funny, because they have no idea that it's me who is deciding to leave this time.
everyone says destroy what destroys you. But what if the thing destroying you is yourself?
One minute I'm doing okay. And the next I feel like, the walls are closing in. I'm being caved in inside my own head. And my heart starts sounding like a thousand drums all at once to me. They don't get that it takes so fucking much for a person like us to come to the point where they want to hurt themselves. They don't get that it's a reaction on feeling worthless or feeling so empty that you have to hurt yourself because if you don't, it doesn't feel real. I can't even begin to count the scars and burns all over my body.
I'm afraid the story isn't finished happening. Sometimes I think there is no entirely true story I could tell. Because there are some things I just don't know, and other things I just can't say. Which is not a failure of memory, but one of language. I tell myself that what happened is "in the past". This is only partly true. In too many ways, the past is still with me. The past is written on my body. I carry it every single day. The past sometimes feels like it might kill. It is a very heavy burden.
And yet I am making it seem like its other people's fault that I am traumatised, broken. But now, I am a terrible person. I cheat, I lie, I hurt people, I fuck everything up. I hurt people because I can't stop hurting myself and now everyone hates me for it. You'd think that would make me want to stop. But all I dream of is taking a blade to my wrist and watching the crimson blood drip from my severed skin as I gently drift into my forever sleep.
I don't belong in this world. My soul escaped my body long ago, and by some awful miracle, I wake up after every slumber and it just isn't fair. I would like to go now. To a place I feel like I belong. I would like to end this life.
Just waking up and facing the day hurts. It claws its way through my chest, crushing what's left of me inside. Sitting there, eyes dropping, vision blurring. Are the words in front of me moving? I have no idea anymore.
Everyone on this site seems to have each other to pm and discuss their plans or how they feel. I just need someone to be close enough to I can finally tell the truth.

Thank you for sharing how you feel; it can be scary and maddening to only have these thoughts in your head. I am not you and I have not lived your experience, but I have had many of my own experiences that have brought me to the same place as you. Reading your story feels like reading my story, too. I guess all I can share with you is my empathy for what you are enduring, and thankfulness that I'm not the only one who feels this way. My goal is not to try and talk you out of how you are feeling, I merely want to validate what you're feeling, because in the outside world, I think there are too many people who just try to talk us out of these real feelings so that THEY feel more comfortable. So I guess I'm just thanking you for being exactly who you are and how you feel.

 

[BorderlineSuixide]

Thank you for sharing how you feel; it can be scary and maddening to only have these thoughts in your head. I am not you and I have not lived your experience, but I have had many of my own experiences that have brought me to the same place as you. Reading your story feels like reading my story, too. I guess all I can share with you is my empathy for what you are enduring, and thankfulness that I'm not the only one who feels this way. My goal is not to try and talk you out of how you are feeling, I merely want to validate what you're feeling, because in the outside world, I think there are too many people who just try to talk us out of these real feelings so that THEY feel more comfortable. So I guess I'm just thanking you for being exactly who you are and how you feel.

thank you, this means so much! xx

 

[disabledandhopeless]

My pm inbox is always open

 

[PoisonedJuliet]

Always up for a chat. Doesn't even need to be heavy <3