I need some empathy

[ChaseBees]

Please just imagine you are me, please. I want you to actually understand how hard it is to be in this situation. Everyone here says I should break up with my partner because he's the leading cause I'm looking to ctb (I wouldn't be gathering materials and looking for a way out if we weren't together). There's more to it, but I also want to highlight what it's like to be in a relationship like this. You all call it abusive, and I know its draining, I feel that part, but there's good too. Every relationship has good parts and that's what makes it hard to leave. Today we got ice cream. He says my haircut looks nice even though I'm struggling with the change. He tells me I'm smart and is telling me to pursue med school. We've gone on numerous trips and we spend tons of time together.
Nothing is black and white. I wish he could regulate his emotions, I wish he was better at managing them. He doesn't have those skills. His past therapist moved and he stopped looking for a new one months ago.
Nothing is easy, but that's life, or death. Anyways, I wish people recognized how hard it is to be in situations like this. If I ctb, I won't have to break up with him.

 

[Manaaja]

Good relationships don't make people ctb.

Get a notebook or phone and write down every good thing and every bad thing he does to see your relationship more objectively.

There's a Hercule Poirot quote. "The world is full of good people who do bad things." A person can be good and do really bad things. Likewise, a really bad person can do good things.

It is hard to leave. I'm currently trying to cut ties with my narcissist mom after she murdered my dog. And even though she's a murderer, it's still hard to leave. But talking with people has helped me a lot. I don't feel so lonely, alone and helpless anymore. I also had to cut ties with my narcissistic ex-friend. That was hard too, since we had a lot of good memories together. I miss talking about art, drawing together, talking about anime and manga and games, but in the I don't miss the gaslighting and rudeness and lack of empathy.

I'd suggest finding someone to talk with, someone you can always message when you want to talk. If I didn't have people to talk with, I'd have probably not been able to cut the ties.

 

[Angst Filled Fuck Up]

You don't have to justify yourself to us. Plenty of people are in relationships just like yours, where they know deep down they can't or won't end it. People are often addicted to dysfunction, and to emotional ups and downs that are part and parcel of a toxic but intoxicating relationship. Hell I know all about that.

If you've got a shot at something good though, like med school or whatever, please consider giving that a try before letting this current situation with your boyfriend suck up all your emotional energy. There's definitely a lot more out there.

 

[summers]

@ChaseBees this is 100% serious, just go fuck someone else. Make sure you find them hot, and make it an NSA one night stand deal.

I bet the next day, you break up with your partners and move on with your life.

 

[ChobaniFlipSmores]

I mean, if you really want to remain in the relationship then why not try couples counseling? After my kid's mom broke up with me we tried couples therapy, but it was honestly too late to recover. After that point in time I made a promise to myself to go to couples therapy no questions asked and regardless of the cost. I think people have too much of a stigma that couples therapy is only for married or engaged couples. I think for just about every relationship in existence there are times where it is useful to have an unbiased third party help you work through issues AND help you learn how to manage conflict if it comes up again or how to communicate better. Sometimes we just get lost in the weeds and need a bit of guidance to get out.

Oh wow...so, I just read the replies above me and it appears my opinion is quite different. One thing my couples therapist said is "I'll help any couple try to work things out even if it's a terrible or toxic relationship as long as there is no abuse because it often helps them as individuals understand the choices they need to make...and occasionally things actually work out." I have been in your situation wanting a relationship to work no matter what and understand the amount of anxiety that brings. If you aren't capable of making the decision to break up and it's leading you to go the route as CTB as the only option, then perhaps the next best option would be couples therapy as I mentioned.

 

[timf]

Things are not often so black and white. Even Hitler had a girlfriend. However, if you face a situation where you have to pay a price for the good you get, you have to determine if it is worth the price.

Only you can gauge your situation. Is it likely to change and if so for the better or the worse. If it continues as it is for the next 20 years, what advice would your older self give to you now? Even if things stay the same, the price you pay now may come to be too much in the future.

I have known quite a few young women "dating" married men. They were all satisfied that the attention the were receiving was worth their youth even though they acknowledged that they would probably be dumped when they were older.

I would think that anyone who cared about you would desire that you would be able to find the most happiness for the greatest period of time. One of those people should be you.

 

[summers]

I mean, if you really want to remain in the relationship then why not try couples counseling? After my kid's mom broke up with me we tried couples therapy, but it was honestly too late to recover. After that point in time I made a promise to myself to go to couples therapy no questions asked and regardless of the cost. I think people have too much of a stigma that couples therapy is only for married or engaged couples. I think for just about every relationship in existence there are times where it is useful to have an unbiased third party help you work through issues AND help you learn how to manage conflict if it comes up again or how to communicate better. Sometimes we just get lost in the weeds and need a bit of guidance to get out.

Oh wow...so, I just read the replies above me and it appears my opinion is quite different. One thing my couples therapist said is "I'll help any couple try to work things out even if it's a terrible or toxic relationship as long as there is no abuse because it often helps them as individuals understand the choices they need to make...and occasionally things actually work out." I have been in your situation wanting a relationship to work no matter what and understand the amount of anxiety that brings. If you aren't capable of making the decision to break up and it's leading you to go the route as CTB as the only option, then perhaps the next best option would be couples therapy as I mentioned.

My point was that there are so many options out there for partners. If you're not happy completely, and especially if your partner is driving you to kill yourself, maybe try being single or seeing someone else for a while.

My course of action was just a catalyst for that to happen. It could help the op realize s/he is desirable and can find someone else. It's also a good way to get past the you have to love someone to sleep with them. There's nothing wrong with having a night of fun and then never talking again.

 

[ChobaniFlipSmores]

My point was that there are so many options out there for partners. If you're not happy completely, and especially if your partner is driving you to kill yourself, maybe try being single or seeing someone else for a while.

My course of action was just a catalyst for that to happen. It could help the op realize s/he is desirable and can find someone else. It's also a good way to get past the you have to love someone to sleep with them. There's nothing wrong with having a night of fun and then never talking again.

I don't disagree with your statement, it probably would work for someone who can easily move on from a relationship. I also think we are both in agreement that being in a relationship that makes you suicidal is a bad idea. But if OP can't make a decision to leave then maybe fixing the relationship is the next best option.

 

[summers]

I don't disagree with your statement, it probably would work for someone who can easily move on from a relationship. I also think we are both in agreement that being in a relationship that makes you suicidal is a bad idea. But if OP can't make a decision to leave then maybe fixing the relationship is the next best option.

Idk, if I had to stay with this one gf I had, ctb would have been the way to go :)

 

[ChobaniFlipSmores]

Idk, if I had to stay with this one gf I had, ctb would have been the way to go :)

I mean, honestly I wish I could detach and move on from relationships when they end that easily. I see my friends doing it and it makes me feel less capable emotionally.