I need some advices

[Zilver]

I've joined here few weeks ago. I've learned about and decided carotid arteries methods were my ways to ctb for current situation. Obviously, I'm writing this so that means my attempts all failed. After many failed attempts of night night method, I tried partial hanging. Night night was safe from detection, but partial hanging left abrasion on my neck. My mother noticed and I had to tell my psychiatrist about my attempts. It was fortunate I was not immediately thrown into facility, but he said if this continues, I will have to be admitted.
It's been a week and I already tried partial hanging some more. When I feel too low, I just can't take it anymore and do it. To be honest, I don't do it to die. Well, kind of. If it succeed and I meet my peace, then that is good, but it never did. I just do it to feel like I'm actually doing ctb. It's even oddly addictive actually. But, I don't know if I really want to die. Whenever I can, my brain imagines ways of ctb. Knife on the table, I imagine cutting myself, everytime I see cars driving by, I imagine myself running towards it, when there are points to drop, I imagine falling and so on. I'm always dying in my head, but I'm not certain I want to. I can't feel anything from those images in my head. It is so void, and natural as if I'm already dead. This is so confusing. One thing is certain though. I do not want to live.
Sorry, it got messy and a bit too personal thoughts. Anyway, back to the point. In this way, when I get back to my psychiatrist next week, it's almost guranteed he will try to admit me. I don't know what it's like to be there, but probably it will just be taking medications, injections and such? I got a feeling that they are not going to fix me. I've already taken medications for like 2yrs now and they never helped me anyway. Without my personal computer or TVs, I'm certain I'll be suffering even more than right now from extreme boredom, that is if my predictions are real. The other way is to ctb before then. I need a guranteed way of ctb such as falling, cutting, full hanging which mostly involves pain, but I'm too afraid of pain yet. And time is running short now. So frustrated...
So... I wanted to ask what admission actually does (I still don't understand excatly what being admitted mean. Could be just throwing me into mental facility?) to reconsider my options, and some assessment on my situation (just something like objective observations and no pushes) as my brain can't seem to make it on my own.
Sorry again for my bad English, and always thanks for helping out.

 

[blivogade]

Inpatient varies from country to country but majority of the time they arent as bad as the media portrays it to be.
Though there probably will be medications they also offer therapy and a place to keep you safe.
Im not one to push inpatient as obviously its not going to be like a holiday, its hospital and there will be hard times, but if they see you as needing it than perhaps give it a go, you never know it might actually help.
Unfortunately most methods do include some levels of pain, you of course know that, so that choice is yours but maybe consider what you're being offered before making a rash decision, if you come out feeling the same then you can at least say you tried.
But regardless of what you choose to do i hope you figure out the situation soon and i wish you well.

 

[GoneGoneGone]

If you're in Western Europe, afaik, it will probably be a proper place. If elsewhere in Europe, I'd advise not to go.

I went to one after being unable to sleep for a full week and being so tired that I just wanted everything to end - but I had no plan or method. I was loaded on Valium and slept for a week. the end.
If you have strong thoughts, or hallucinations of any kind, they will also put you on antipsychotics, which will also make you sleep.

 

[Iwantoutrightnow]

Like others have said it depends what country you're in. I'm in England, the only therapy I've received as an inpatient has been ECT. You see a psychiatrist once a week, the rest of the time is watching t.v, playing board games, maybe doing arts and craft. That's it. Some people find it helpful and a springboard to further help. It might be a positive experience for you, like everything you don't know until to try. Good luck whatever you decide