I need out

[willitpass]

I've been inpatient since October. I moved to a residential last week. I've decided I can no longer do this. I came to the hospital out of desperation and fear of my method, but over the weeks the desperation to leave has only grown and the fear of burning to death has only lowered. I am currently trying to get discharged from residential so that I can go through with it. I'm in a residential several states over from home. Ideally I would do it here rather than go home first. I think it would just be easier for my family. I know it will kill them either way to lose me, but I think it will be easier for them to live life without seeing the reminder of my death at home. I've been fighting so, so long. I am so, so tired. I cannot keep doing this. Going into the hospital in October was my final chance at life, and it has not proved fruitful even after over two months. I do not have it in my to try any longer.

God let me be free from this hell. And God I just hope my family knows how hard I fought to be with them. But the pain is too great.

 

[Forever Sleep]

You've fought so hard and tried so much. I'm sorry it's made things no better for you. I wish you had a more peaceful method. I don't think someone who's suffered so much in life should in death also.

 

[dontwakemeup]

I'm sorry you're stuck there and feeling like this. I've been there and understand how you feel. I wasn't able to access the internet so consider yourself lucky. Is there any patients there that you feel comfortable talking to? If you find someone you can bind with it cannhelp make the time go faster and won't be so horrible.

The easiest way to get out is you showing them you are getting better, even tho it's a lie. They can only keep you there if your insurance cuts you or if you are not considered a threat anymore. You have to learn to lie or you'll be there forever. Tell them their stupid program is working and thank them all for their wonderful help and that you ate ready to get out and excited about your new life ahead! That's what I did and I made it out in 4 days. I took that stupid medicine for 2 days and never took it again.

I'll be honest, the program did not work for me and my problems, but you have to play their game if you want to be discharged. If you are honest, then you will never go home. I wish you the best, those places suck!

 

[dust-in-the-wind]

I share the same hell you are in. Mental illness can be pure torture. I'm so sorry you have reached this point. I have as well.

 

[CatLvr]

I am so sorry. I have not witnessed your entire journey but what I have seen of it has impressed me with your determination. Unfortunately some of us are, as they say, "treatment resistant". I hope you can find the peace you seek quickly, quietly and painlessly. I am going to miss you. Know you are loved.

 

[willitpass]

I filled out a discharge slip but they did not believe that I was safe and said I would have to speak with a police officer and if they deemed me a threat to myself they would only transfer me from residential to inpatient. I decided to revoke my request for discharge. I'll just have to play the waiting game and finish out the program. It's a 6-8 week program typically.

 

[LaVieEnRose]

I filled out a discharge slip but they did not believe that I was safe and said I would have to speak with a police officer and if they deemed me a threat to myself they would only transfer me from residential to inpatient. I decided to revoke my request for discharge. I'll just have to play the waiting game and finish out the program. It's a 6-8 week program typically.

I'm sorry. You might as well continue to try while you're stuck there. I can really sympathize with you. I really am terrified of and have no desire to reenter that horrible world. You're always welcome to write if you want to talk about these circumstances.

 

[willitpass]

Just found out that the psychiatrist and therapist had called my dad last night (listed as my emergency contact and I signed a full release of information to him upon admission) and they were telling him that if I did indeed go through with the discharge that he should get an emergency conservatorship over me. My dad didn't believe I would actually follow through so he did not go ahead with it, but I know he absolutely would if I had not backed out. All this to say, I will not be attempting to sign myself out again. The only option is to finish this program, no matter how impossible it seems. What comes next is a later discussion, but I will not be risking a conservatorship.

 

[ShatteredSerenity]

My psychiatrist wanted me to do a 4-6 week inpatient program last month, and I'm SO glad I talked her out of it. When I saw how restrictive it was I knew it would be torture for me, and even though it's voluntary they still required an approval process to leave early. Sorry you're having to go through all that.

 

[opheliaoveragain]

Just found out that the psychiatrist and therapist had called my dad last night (listed as my emergency contact and I signed a full release of information to him upon admission) and they were telling him that if I did indeed go through with the discharge that he should get an emergency conservatorship over me. My dad didn't believe I would actually follow through so he did not go ahead with it, but I know he absolutely would if I had not backed out. All this to say, I will not be attempting to sign myself out again. The only option is to finish this program, no matter how impossible it seems. What comes next is a later discussion, but I will not be risking a conservatorship.

fuuuuck no to a con-ship. I know you know why these are to be avoided at any cost.

I wish the healthcare system was better to you. it's not your fault. you didn't do anything to deserve this. we're here for you. I wish the world was better. I wish we could above board choose and throw a huge party and be there with you. obviously I have a MAID scenario in my head.

I think of you often, hoping for the best but also having seen past threads etc I fully recognize that you need to do what you need to do.

sending you so much love.

 

[dontwakemeup]

Just found out that the psychiatrist and therapist had called my dad last night (listed as my emergency contact and I signed a full release of information to him upon admission) and they were telling him that if I did indeed go through with the discharge that he should get an emergency conservatorship over me. My dad didn't believe I would actually follow through so he did not go ahead with it, but I know he absolutely would if I had not backed out. All this to say, I will not be attempting to sign myself out again. The only option is to finish this program, no matter how impossible it seems. What comes next is a later discussion, but I will not be risking a conservatorship.

Don't ever allow anyone to take conservaership over your care! I'm so sick of these medical professionals thinking because we want to stop living in this fucked up world that we are out of touch with reality! I learned to play their stupid games and trust me it isn't hard at all.

If you really want the help, then by all means use it. The choice is yours, you truly have the resources and help at your disposal if you want the help.

If you don't want the help then you quickly need to educate yourself and don't let them slap anymore diagnosis on you, you have to be quick and think carefully what you say to them. Once they put certain diagnosis on you it can stop you from having certain jobs and it can become a nightmare. The most important thing I recommend is making sure you look the part. Look assertive, take your time to speak and think about what you say before saying it. Tell them the program has worked wonders and tell them the highlights of the program that you found beneficial to you and your situation! Them people are no different from us, half if them are drug addicts, alcoholics and suffer from the same things we face, they have learned to shut up and take their meds. This really pisses me off they are trying to do this to you! I was in a similar situation but I'm more educated then they gave me credit for. I was able to prevent those bullshit diagnosis because I was able to explain them and say I didn't show any s/sm was I smarter than them? Did I fool the system? I don't know but I only have depression and anxiety diagnosis and that's enough. I won't ever go back! You need to wake up quickly and decide what your plans are before you are stuck somewhere and unable to make your own decisions!!

 

[willitpass]

Don't ever allow anyone to take conservaership over your care! I'm so sick of these medical professionals thinking because we want to stop living in this fucked up world that we are out of touch with reality! I learned to play their stupid games and trust me it isn't hard at all.

If you really want the help, then by all means use it. The choice is yours, you truly have the resources and help at your disposal if you want the help.

If you don't want the help then you quickly need to educate yourself and don't let them slap anymore diagnosis on you, you have to be quick and think carefully what you say to them. Once they put certain diagnosis on you it can stop you from having certain jobs and it can become a nightmare. The most important thing I recommend is making sure you look the part. Look assertive, take your time to speak and think about what you say before saying it. Tell them the program has worked wonders and tell them the highlights of the program that you found beneficial to you and your situation! Them people are no different from us, half if them are drug addicts, alcoholics and suffer from the same things we face, they have learned to shut up and take their meds. This really pisses me off they are trying to do this to you! I was in a similar situation but I'm more educated then they gave me credit for. I was able to prevent those bullshit diagnosis because I was able to explain them and say I didn't show any s/sm was I smarter than them? Did I fool the system? I don't know but I only have depression and anxiety diagnosis and that's enough. I won't ever go back! You need to wake up quickly and decide what your plans are before you are stuck somewhere and unable to make your own decisions!!

I am well aware of the game I need to play and the cards that are on the table. This is far from my first time in this situation and I work in healthcare, albeit not in psych, but I am very familiar with the process on their end as well. I know what to do to get out. I will try and get as much out of this situation as I can seeing as I am now stuck here for the long haul, who knows, maybe after spending over a decade trying in and out of treatment this will be some holy grail. I doubt it, though, so if the game needs to be played to get out and CTB then I am very aware of how to go about it.

 

[LaVieEnRose]

Just found out that the psychiatrist and therapist had called my dad last night (listed as my emergency contact and I signed a full release of information to him upon admission) and they were telling him that if I did indeed go through with the discharge that he should get an emergency conservatorship over me. My dad didn't believe I would actually follow through so he did not go ahead with it, but I know he absolutely would if I had not backed out. All this to say, I will not be attempting to sign myself out again. The only option is to finish this program, no matter how impossible it seems. What comes next is a later discussion, but I will not be risking a conservatorship.

That's terrifying. But if they're going to go down hard on you I think you need to tell them whenever their approach is not helpful (like constantly focusing on your "self-awareness") and such.

 

[willitpass]

Talked with my therapist and psychiatrist today. The psychiatrist seemed rather disappointed in my behavior last week and less open than previous conversations. I'm trying to remind myself he may just have been having an off day or personal issues, but I also acknowledge that he may just be genuinely unhappy with what happened. The therapist was a lot more open to talking about what happened and understanding my side of things while also planning for the future. I still have no hope for the future, but at least I haven't ruined everything for myself while I'm here. I have been in the psych ward for almost 10 weeks now and feel like I haven't made a single bit of progress towards any sliver of getting better.

 

[opheliaoveragain]

Talked with my therapist and psychiatrist today. The psychiatrist seemed rather disappointed in my behavior last week and less open than previous conversations. I'm trying to remind myself he may just have been having an off day or personal issues, but I also acknowledge that he may just be genuinely unhappy with what happened. The therapist was a lot more open to talking about what happened and understanding my side of things while also planning for the future. I still have no hope for the future, but at least I haven't ruined everything for myself while I'm here. I have been in the psych ward for almost 10 weeks now and feel like I haven't made a single bit of progress towards any sliver of getting better.

hey you! it's good to see you.

i'm thankful the therapist was able to hear you out in regards to your side of things. but I hear you. wards are always so dicey. thinking of you.

 

[willitpass]

I don't know what I'll do if I reach the end of the time line of this program and I'm not stable enough to go home to outpatient therapy. If I'm honest with them I don't know if they would send me to inpatient or another residential or just keep me here. I don't know if I have it in me to lie anymore. I lied about how I was doing for years and years. I don't know if I can do it again, even if it is just for a few weeks to get to the end. I suppose I may have no other choice. I hope my family can understand, even through the pain.

 

[3/4Dead]

I'm sorry you're struggling so much. hoping things work out alright for you.

 

[BlackEyedDog]

I don't know what I'll do if I reach the end of the time line of this program and I'm not stable enough to go home to outpatient therapy. If I'm honest with them I don't know if they would send me to inpatient or another residential or just keep me here. I don't know if I have it in me to lie anymore. I lied about how I was doing for years and years. I don't know if I can do it again, even if it is just for a few weeks to get to the end. I suppose I may have no other choice. I hope my family can understand, even through the pain.

If inpatient ketamine treatment isn't available, then by hook or by crook find outpatient treatment when you get out. Consider doing some searching online and/or asking doctors/therapists/family in the meantime if you can. Right now I hope you manage staying in the present as much as possible to help pass the time, not spiral while you're there, and maybe even get something out of the program.

 

[willitpass]

If inpatient ketamine treatment isn't available, then by hook or by crook find outpatient treatment when you get out. Consider doing some searching online and/or asking doctors/therapists/family in the meantime if you can. Right now I hope you manage staying in the present as much as possible to help pass the time, not spiral while you're there, and maybe even get something out of the program.

I already have an outpatient referral for ketamine. It's the getting stable enough to be able to discharge and not die before I even make it to the appointment that's the issue.

 

[willitpass]

I've been avoiding interacting with anyone today. New Years is always a bad day for me. A reminder of another failed year. Another unwanted trip around the sun. A year where I didn't succeed yet again. God please don't make me do this again a year from today. I can't take another year. Please. I'm begging.