Help I need help.

[F.1d]

Hi everyone, I don't know if this is the right place to talk about it but I'll do it anyway.
I am a 24 year old girl and I long for death today more than ever.
I tried already at the age of 13/14 to end my life but I was naive and also reckless, I mixed various medicines that only brought me nausea and drowsiness. For years I have not thought about suicide anymore but in the last year this thought has returned and it has become stronger and stronger. I have a beautiful family and a boyfriend who loves me but I am so unhappy ... I have problems with university and I feel a burden for my family, especially for my father. In the last period I feel hatred from him towards me and this kills me. I haven't done anything in my life yet. I have problems with studying and I can't even find a job to be able to support myself, I would like to be a lesser burden for my parents. I have never confided in someone suffering from panic and anxiety attacks that I use a mild antidepressant that I have been prescribed for migraines. This alone gives me some peace.
I think my death will be beneficial for both me and my family. I will no longer disappoint anyone and they will no longer have the problem of having to support me.
I'm looking for a quick and painless way to die. I try to dispel the feelings of guilt for the suffering that will cause my death but I can't resist anymore. I want to end it all. Please help me.

I apologize for my English but I'm upset, I'm Italian.

 

[goldenvirginia]

I'm sorry you feel this way. I can totally relate. Hopelessness is such torture. Unfortunately I can say anything to make you feel better, if I could I'd be saying it to myself too. Lol. Just know I get it.

 

[juraviel]

I apologize for my English but I'm upset, I'm Italian.

your english is near flawless, especially for an italian lol (i lived in Italy for a part of my childhood so i would know ;))

you'll find most anything you need in the pinned topics. it's possible to obtain the same medication that is used by organization that offer assisted suicide, it's a little tricky and expensive but that's how most of us would choose to go if we had the choice.

welcome to the forums

 

[F.1d]

I'm sorry you feel this way. I can totally relate. Hopelessness is such torture. Unfortunately I can say anything to make you feel better, if I could I'd be saying it to myself too. Lol. Just know I get it.

I wish I didn't have to say this but I'm glad someone understands me. I've always been afraid to confide in someone because I don't want to just seem in need of attention or have my problems minimized. It's painful to have to keep everything inside but I can't do it any other way, I don't want pity or anything.

your english is near flawless, especially for an italian lol (i lived in Italy for a part of my childhood so i would know ;))

you'll find most anything you need in the pinned topics. it's possible to obtain the same medication that is used by organization that offer assisted suicide, it's a little tricky and expensive but that's how most of us would choose to go if we had the choice.

welcome to the forums

Unfortunately I am short of money so I am looking for a way that does not require an exaggerated expense. It's funny how expensive death is too. I will continue to look for a suitable method for me!

 

[goldenvirginia]

For me the shame over feeling this is very overwhelming. I've always projected strength to others, despite what I felt inside. Over the past few years I've struggled to keep up this mask and now the fear of people pitying me makes me feel ill. Holding all these feelings inside isn't good, they only heighten. But in my experience discussing them with either a therapist or family, is even worse. Feeling so raw and exposed isn't something I'm even remotely comfortable with.

 

[F.1d]

For me the shame over feeling this is very overwhelming. I've always projected strength to others, despite what I felt inside. Over the past few years I've struggled to keep up this mask and now the fear of people pitying me makes me feel ill. Holding all these feelings inside isn't good, they only heighten. But in my experience discussing them with either a therapist or family, is even worse. Feeling so raw and exposed isn't something I'm even remotely comfortable with.

I fully agree with your situation. I could not go to a psychologist even if I wanted to, I already feel guilty asking for money for university fees. Making me pay for therapy would be even worse. I too have always tried to give strength and comfort to others but for myself I have never received any. When I tried to talk, without going into detail, about my problems, they replied that the choice to live so badly was mine alone. But I didn't even choose to be born, let alone if I wanted to lead such a humiliating life. I feel too lonely and often unloved, except by my boyfriend. And despite everything, I have fears of the suffering I might cause by dying.

 

[FuneralCry]

I'm sorry you are suffering. I understand it is hard to carry on when everything is hopeless. Death is also the thing that I want the most, as it is freedom from this life. I hope you find the peace you are looking for.