Venting I need help

[willitpass]

If I cannot die, which it seems the universe is hell bent on making sure any and all attempts fail, I need fucking help. I cannot live like this. But there isn't anything available to me I have not tried. There is fucking nothing they can do for me. But I can't keep going like this. Part of me is tempted to message my doctor or walk into the ER saying I don't feel well and ask them to check some labs. I know they must be fucked. If they check them and they're severe enough they'd be wondering what caused it. If I come clean then maybe they could find something new for me. But what if they can't. I just don't know.

 

[ijustwishtodie]

In my case, I haven't tried everything as I know it'll all be futile anyway but I understand your frustration with needing help whilst not being able to die. I'm sorry for your suffering and I hope you find peace soon. This is one shitty world and I hate how cruel it is to some of us

 

[rozeske]

If they can't then you will know for sure and you will have extinguished that lingering what if. Fwiw, I'm rooting for the possibility that they will find something, anything, to at least ease your pain.

 

[willitpass]

I may go to an urgent care and tell them I feel off and just want to cover my bases by getting my levels checked. If they're normal I'll tell them I'll just deal with it at home and it's probably just a flare up of chronic conditions. If they're not then I guess I would go from there.

 

[Wolf Girl]

Have you done much research on more fringe treatments? I know you've said before that you have childhood trauma and there are a lot of different fringe trauma treatments that some people swear by. Like somatic experiencing, etc. EMDR can great if it works for you and that actually has some evidence behind it. Although from reading your posts my guess is the best healer for you may be time and age.

 

[-Link-]

But there isn't anything available to me I have not tried. There is fucking nothing they can do for me.

You, yourself, are an important variable in this scenario. You've aged. You've matured. You've gained a lot of experience and insight. Maybe your motivations or interests or faith have shifted in subtle ways.

Another variable here is quality of care. Maybe you'd be dealing with practitioners who are better at their jobs. Maybe facilities and programs have improved and upgraded the way they do things.

There are enough variables still in play to make it so that history doesn't necessarily have to repeat itself.

I know you're in an extremely difficult spot with this. Whatever you choose to do or not do, I absolutely support you and am rooting for you in a big way.

 

[willitpass]

Have you done much research on more fringe treatments? I know you've said before that you have childhood trauma and there are a lot of different fringe trauma treatments that some people swear by. Like somatic experiencing, etc. EMDR can great if it works for you and that actually has some evidence behind it. Although from reading your posts my guess is the best healer for you may be time and age.

Time and age are doing nothing but an injustice for me. Things have only gotten worse every year. I have significantly more maturity than I did through my teen years, especially in the sense of interpersonal relationships, yet my self hatred grows by the hour. I have enough insight to know why I do things, to see my own patterns, to acknowledge exactly what flaws are in my spiraling, but the knowledge and increasing maturity have not fixed anything. I am in the worst place I have ever been in my life despite science saying I should have a fully developed brain. Time and age will mean nothing if my thoughts and behaviors continue to worsen.

You, yourself, are an important variable in this scenario. You've aged. You've matured. You've gained a lot of experience and insight. Maybe your motivations or interests or faith have shifted in subtle ways.

Another variable here is quality of care. Maybe you'd be dealing with practitioners who are better at their jobs. Maybe facilities and programs have improved and upgraded the way they do things.

There are enough variables still in play to make it so that history doesn't necessarily have to repeat itself.

I know you're in an extremely difficult spot with this. Whatever you choose to do or not do, I absolutely support you and am rooting for you in a big way.

I tried so hard over the summer to do it myself. I worked as hard as I possibly could to delve into myself. I forced myself to not engage in self harm behaviors and I made sure I sat down and processed why I was feeling urges when they came. I read self help books and did both free and guided journaling daily. I ate incredibly healthy. I fixed my sleep. I did everything the books say is the right thing to do. It ended in me attempting to give myself sepsis.

I know that for anything to work, I have to be the one to do it. And having failed over the summer I feel even more helpless in my own ability to help myself. I suppose others helping me help myself may be enough. But what if it isn't? What if I now have people watching me like a hawk because they know I'm unwell again but it doesn't work? I would lose my independence and others trust in me. I feel so stuck.

 

[Fangarina]

If you get a panel of bloods run, what would you be asking them to look for? Do you have reason to believe it is something physical? Or do you think you need an alternative treatment plan to try and mould you into a different way of thinking? Sorry if I have missed a post with more info, just looking for clarity to see if I can maybe add something helpful.

 

[willitpass]

If you get a panel of bloods run, what would you be asking them to look for? Do you have reason to believe it is something physical? Or do you think you need an alternative treatment plan to try and mould you into a different way of thinking? Sorry if I have missed a post with more info, just looking for clarity to see if I can maybe add something helpful.

I abuse laxatives, overdose on pain killers, and otherwise severely harm myself daily. I feel sick because of it. It is very likely that my electrolytes are extremely abnormal, especially my potassium, magnesium, and sodium. Likely my chloride as well. It's also very possible I'm in either metabolic alkalosis or metabolic acidosis. I could very well have an acute kidney injury as well. If I went to get my blood run it would tell me exactly how sick I have made myself. If it isn't very severe, I could write it off as a flare up of a chronic condition and say I'll just head home. If it is severe, they would likely have questions as to how that happened. I would probably end up having to tell them what's been going on. I would end up admitted almost definitely. The way I am living is both mentally and physically not sustainable. I've tried my damndest to die this year and for whatever reason I can't, so something in my life needs to change, and at this point I don't know what else to do. Going to an urgent care to check may open the door for me to try to get help if things are severe enough.

 

[Fangarina]

I abuse laxatives, overdose on pain killers, and otherwise severely harm myself daily. I feel sick because of it. It is very likely that my electrolytes are extremely abnormal, especially my potassium, magnesium, and sodium. Likely my chloride as well. It's also very possible I'm in either metabolic alkalosis or metabolic acidosis. I could very well have an acute kidney injury as well. If I went to get my blood run it would tell me exactly how sick I have made myself. If it isn't very severe, I could write it off as a flare up of a chronic condition and say I'll just head home. If it is severe, they would likely have questions as to how that happened. I would probably end up having to tell them what's been going on. I would end up admitted almost definitely. The way I am living is both mentally and physically not sustainable. I've tried my damndest to die this year and for whatever reason I can't, so something in my life needs to change, and at this point I don't know what else to do. Going to an urgent care to check may open the door for me to try to get help if things are severe enough.

Apologies, I did know this as I do read your posts a lot and had a complete brain fart with it.

So. I would maybe ask them to run the panel and see. You most definitely will be causing a lot of damage, because you are essentially overdosing daily and long term this will knacker your internal organs. Long term? Slow and painful. Not what we want at all.
I guess you'd just need to work out how you'd play it after the information.
Would you want to seek help to get better?
Would you use this as a base line to keep going until eventually it's too late?

I feel like you'd maybe look at a treatment to get better by the way you word it, and I hope I am right in saying that.
It could well be an inpatient treatment facility, it could be a care plan through a new psychiatric team.
I do agree that how life is for you is not sustainable, and maybe by taking this first step,
It will give you a new set of stepping stones to something better.
You'd not necessarily need to tell them how you got so poorly. A swift response of 'this is very overwhelming information I need to digest, can I arrange a follow up to discuss it more in a few days' would buy you some time to think it over. But I do think asking for bloods to be run would be a good first step that would hopefully be positive.
I always feel that when I am in self destruct mode, I self sabotage, hate myself more, sabotage more and keep going in this infinite loop. There could be a kink in that loop that when you find a balance, things do improve for you and you break that cycle with a lot of hard work, grit and determination.

 

[willitpass]

Apologies, I did know this as I do read your posts a lot and had a complete brain fart with it.

So. I would maybe ask them to run the panel and see. You most definitely will be causing a lot of damage, because you are essentially overdosing daily and long term this will knacker your internal organs. Long term? Slow and painful. Not what we want at all.
I guess you'd just need to work out how you'd play it after the information.
Would you want to seek help to get better?
Would you use this as a base line to keep going until eventually it's too late?

I feel like you'd maybe look at a treatment to get better by the way you word it, and I hope I am right in saying that.
It could well be an inpatient treatment facility, it could be a care plan through a new psychiatric team.
I do agree that how life is for you is not sustainable, and maybe by taking this first step,
It will give you a new set of stepping stones to something better.
You'd not necessarily need to tell them how you got so poorly. A swift response of 'this is very overwhelming information I need to digest, can I arrange a follow up to discuss it more in a few days' would buy you some time to think it over. But I do think asking for bloods to be run would be a good first step that would hopefully be positive.
I always feel that when I am in self destruct mode, I self sabotage, hate myself more, sabotage more and keep going in this infinite loop. There could be a kink in that loop that when you find a balance, things do improve for you and you break that cycle with a lot of hard work, grit and determination.

If the blood work comes back only mildly abnormal I would say I will go home and follow up with my PCP. If they come back severely abnormal they would likely want to admit. Unless I tell them it was self induced then it would be my right to leave against medical advice, but at this point I would likely just use that as the universe telling me to just fess up. I will let the blood results tell me what I should do: mild abnormalities will mean go home and carry on with self harm and figure it out from there. Severe abnormalities warranting admission will mean I will tell them what I've been doing and see where I end up.

 

[opheliaoveragain]

In support of you going if you think there's a chance it will open a door for you. We're here for you <3

 

[willitpass]

I'll go this evening after I finish up some stuff, just in case I do end up having to get admitted.

 

[opheliaoveragain]

I'll go this evening after I finish up some stuff, just in case I do end up having to get admitted.

You're in my thoughts, I'll keep an eye on my phone if you choose to update. <3

 

[-Link-]

You're in my thoughts, I'll keep an eye on my phone if you choose to update. <3

Likewise @willitpass -- thinking of you, sending you strength, and wishing you well as can be with this.

 

[CatLvr]

I'll go this evening after I finish up some stuff, just in case I do end up having to get admitted.

Here's some good thoughts from me also.

 

[Fangarina]

You're in my thoughts, I'll keep an eye on my phone if you choose to update. <3

Same.

But also - even if it's mild, remember you can still have doors opened to find a way out of this. Don't write off asking for help if you think it could be a positive step in the right direction for you.
You don't have to be a certain level of poorly to qualify and the fact you SH in such a way should be enough if you want to find a way out of this hole.
Keep us posted, keeping everything crossed for you

 

[willitpass]

Pretty dehydrated right now so hopefully whoever draws my blood is a good stick. My veins are hidden.
With the chest pain and muscle spasms and back pain I will be shocked beyond belief if my labs are relatively okay. I'll have to be careful mentioning chest pain though or they may send me to the ER. I'll wait until I'm back and already have my blood drawn before I mention that. Even though chest pain is pretty common for me I don't want to run into a situation where they have a protocol for sending anyone with chest pain to the ER. I'm curious to see my EKG, I wouldn't be surprised if I have prolonged QTc.

 

[willitpass]

Part of me is nervous to go. Because I know if the results come back relatively okay it will drive my urge to continue but at an even greater degree. If I am not making myself sick I feel I am taking too good of care of myself. I have the innate urge to be sick and continue to get sicker. But I don't want someone to know. I don't want someone to fix me. I want to get sicker and sicker until I die. But I know this don't sustainable. If the results do come back very poor I need to get help. I don't know. I'm just going to go and see what happens.

 

[Wolf Girl]

I am in the worst place I have ever been in my life despite science saying I should have a fully developed brain. Time and age will mean nothing if my thoughts and behaviors continue to worsen.

This is what I was thinking about. I remember when I was in my mid-twenties and thinking that this was the finish line and I was in my final form. And it felt fucking horrible cuz like, this is how I have to be for the rest of my life. It's not true. You continue to change, there's no finish line, there's no point of no return. I've seen people suffer horrendously for decades then turn around and recover and get their shit together in their 50s. There isn't a point of no return. That's what I learned working with the most severe cases in behavioral health. So I can't get on the "I know for sure nothing will never change" bandwagon. That's the reason I haven't ctb'd yet. I've seen too many hopeless cases turn around.

 

[nir]

Part of me is nervous to go. Because I know if the results come back relatively okay it will drive my urge to continue but at an even greater degree. If I am not making myself sick I feel I am taking too good of care of myself. I have the innate urge to be sick and continue to get sicker. But I don't want someone to know. I don't want someone to fix me. I want to get sicker and sicker until I die. But I know this don't sustainable. If the results do come back very poor I need to get help. I don't know. I'm just going to go and see what happens.

I'm really glad you're finally getting checked out.

I know you've tried so many things in life. I feel like you're kinda at the point where you're just trying things to see if they stick. I think I'm somewhat in that position right now too, just cycling through "healthy" and unhealthy ways to live in hopes that something will feel right.

I really hope we both find something good that sticks. It's so hard to keep trying. I think that's one of the most overlooked things - having to do this every day, ad nauseam. It feels like the Sisyphus myth. One must imagine Sisyphus happy, but how? Idk. I wish I had the answer for you. I hope one day something clicks for the both of us, and it all just makes sense.

But it'll be really hard for something to click for you if your body is overwhelmingly unwell. I hope they can fix you up physically first. Build that foundation to make it easier to focus on the mental aspect. Ever since your attempt, I've always been nervous that you would stop posting due to delayed illness/injury from it. I have hopes that one day you can be happy. I really hope you get there. Sending love <3

 

[KillingPain267]

I hope you end up getting the proper help you need

 

[willitpass]

This is what I was thinking about. I remember when I was in my mid-twenties and thinking that this was the finish line and I was in my final form. And it felt fucking horrible cuz like, this is how I have to be for the rest of my life. It's not true. You continue to change, there's no finish line, there's no point of no return. I've seen people suffer horrendously for decades then turn around and recover and get their shit together in their 50s. There isn't a point of no return. That's what I learned working with the most severe cases in behavioral health. So I can't get on the "I know for sure nothing will never change" bandwagon. That's the reason I haven't ctb'd yet. I've seen too many hopeless cases turn around.

I do not have until my 50s. At the rate my self harm is going I will likely die within the next 10 years if it does not stop. And the urges to attempt self immolation have not gone away either. If something does not change I do not have time to wait for time and age to heal me. Even if it turns out that the labs today aren't too bad, the self harm I engage in on a daily basis will
eventually kill me. Something has to change soon if there's any chance of me making it.

 

[willitpass]

I'll be getting an EKG and they'll be checking my electrolytes. If they're decent enough I will tell them it's probably just a flare up and I just wanted to make sure.

 

[athiestjoe]

I'm really happy to hear that you're getting the help you need and want—that's such a positive step! I truly hope they can support you in a meaningful way, and even if things don't turn out exactly as you hope, giving it your best shot is always worthwhile. Maybe there is an outside of the box solution that you or they will come to find, never know but you clearly are giving it your best efforts.

I'm wishing for smoother and easier days for you. It's tough to see anyone in pain and suffering like this, and you absolutely deserve so much better. You're not alone in this. Thanks for keeping us updated.

 

[Wolf Girl]

C

I do not have until my 50s. At the rate my self harm is going I will likely die within the next 10 years if it does not stop. And the urges to attempt self immolation have not gone away either. If something does not change I do not have time to wait for time and age to heal me. Even if it turns out that the labs today aren't too bad, the self harm I engage in on a daily basis will
eventually kill me. Something has to change soon if there's any chance of me making it.

Which is why I suggested trying fringe trauma therapies in my previous post

 

[AbyssalAlien]

Antibiotics should set you straight. Keep in mind, this method of yours has a higher chance of debilitating you rather than killing you. But you already knew this. You know the methods to a T and you are in medical profession. Suicide by sepsis? Not the greatest plan.

 

[willitpass]

Antibiotics should set you straight. Keep in mind, this method of yours has a higher chance of debilitating you rather than killing you. But you already knew this. You know the methods to a T and you are in medical profession. Suicide by sepsis? Not the greatest plan.

Antibiotics aren't going to do anything if I don't have an infection. I don't have sepsis.
Got the tests done, just waiting for results. That's what the deciding factor will be between this just being a check in visit vs this turning into a big deal.

 

[Fangarina]

Antibiotics aren't going to do anything if I don't have an infection. I don't have sepsis.
Got the tests done, just waiting for results. That's what the deciding factor will be between this just being a check in visit vs this turning into a big deal.

How are you getting on?

 

[willitpass]

Everything was normal. As expected I now have the irresistible urge to go fucking feral with the self harm. One bottle of laxatives? Oh no now it's two. Handfuls of pills by the hour. I will fuck myself up I don't care what it takes.