Venting I need help.

[girlwitharose]

Hello everyone. I haven't been very active as of lately because I thought things were going better. I actually got back together with my ex, lol. He seems genuinely sorry about everything and I can tell he's changed and he's been trying to improve himself even more. However, he's going through something right now and I don't want to burden him or make him worry about me when he's got enough going on. We were texting earlier and he was venting to me but I never seem to be able to muster up the courage to vent to him the way I used to. Not sure why. I have full trust in him and all, but it's just weird. I keep replaying in my head the things he said during the period he was dating someone else. I'd message him because I was addicted and couldn't get away. I'd ask him like "How are you? we haven't spoke in a while" And he'd reply "fine" or "k" and just be very dry. I remember when he said I wasn't his priority anymore and he doesn't like me and that i'm not his gf anymore . Which that's true, he did start dating someone else 2 Weeks after we broke up but alright! I keep thinking of everything with our ex mutual friend. I believe my previous posts has them, so check those out if you're curious. I told him i'm going to return his clothes and his favorite hoodie he's given me, and some hundred bucks he gave me. I asked him why he gave me so much, He said because he's been an ass to me, and I deserve it for being THE most amazing girlfriend. He is super sweet, but I can't die and keep his stuff here. He told me that's not what he wants and to keep his things. He doesn't know i'm currently struggling , and this is so he has his things when /if im gone. I've been feeling the urge to hurt myself badly. I've been thinking of suicide more and more. My mother always told us how she felt so free and happy without kids. My mom hurt me. My dad hurt me. My father told me he loved me and wouldn't let my mom hurt me. Second after, my mom starts beating me outside my fathers room. He looks at me, and turns around to sleep. i lost respect for him in that second more so than my mom. She beat me and kicked me out at 10 & 12 for being a victim of pedophilia and groomed online. I was the one at fault. Somehow. The emotional and physical abuse I dealt with growing up is replayed in my head day after day. The betrayal from my boyfriend. My body images. And a bunch of other things, It's maybe nothing compared to everyone else here, but we shouldn't compare people's tolerance. These things and others make me want to die. I know I need help. I don't want to die, I want to live and have children. I want a nice house with a garden. I want to explore the world or wherever my car and some 100 bucks take me. But I want to die because I'm sick of these things. Daily. Repeatedly. I've been struggling since 8 years old. it's been more then a decade and I'm still hurting and everything. I don't know what to do. I want to live, but I want to die. I need help.

 

[Linda]

You'll probably still be hurting from some of those things for the rest of your life. But if you can get your life on track, the feeling of hurt will diminish over time, and you will be able to cope.
For most people, the two most important things needed to make their life work are a good partner and a reasonable job. (Doesn't have to be a perfect partner or a perfect job. "Good enough" is OK.)
So, if you can make it work with your no-longer-former partner, that would be a good start. However, my experience has been that after a breakup the odds of making it work again are not good. You might get lucky, and be able to make it work with him, but give some thought to what you will do if you break up again. How would you go about finding a new partner?
I can't say anything useful to you about jobs, other than the obvious fact that having one helps a lot, because I don't know enough about your situation.

 

[qw3rty259]

Hey. I don't want to influence your relationship in anyway, but to me it doesn't sound right. It seems to me like he's using you when it's convenient to him and it could be possible that he feels ashamed knowing that he's just toying with you, so that's where the hundred bucks come from. He might be thinking that it's a fair exchange and that his conscience is clear.

Also, it seems like you're obsessed with him, which is unhealthy when it makes you feel bad and I wouldn't recommend you to get back together with someone who has consistently neglected your wellbeing. I might be wrong tho, just be honest with yourself and don't allow him or anyone else to put you down like that.

 

[defunkt]

Agree with the above post. I'm telling you most people when you get some distance, not only will you realize what was going on, but most of them don't even hold up to the romanticized version of that person we carry in our heads.

As another person said you will be able to cope and find happiness again, even if that seems impossible now.

I'm saying this from the experience of being with a toxic person for THIRTEEN years.

Not only that I don't have feelings for him anymore but I see now just how lame and pathetic and selfish he is. I question my taste sometimes but the thing is we get into messy toxic relationships when we're abandoned early on, and someone makes use of this to bind you in relationships that are harmful to us.