I need help. With my method and the aftermath

[Depression]

So after much research I had settled on SN. I bought some from CCS before all the drama. It got delivered to my house and for some reason on that day my ex (the whole reason for the start of this journey) stopped by cause our kids wanted to see me. She still had keys since it was our apartment and saw the box outside my door. She opened it and saw the SN. She admittedly didn't know what it was but after some research she easily found out. After I got home, shit hit the fan. She threatened to call the cops and get me placed on a psychiatric hold. I panicked and told her I would be long gone and go on the run if she did that. She flushed my SN and now I can't get anymore. Debated trying to buy the necessary materials for the PPeH cocktail but it seems difficult to source and expensive. Which leads me to my current method.

After weeks of wandering around in a drunken stupor just so I can cope and sleep I've come to the realization that I can't do this anymore. I've decided to buy a shotgun. I've already passed my background check and picked up my shotgun. Now I'm just stuck not knowing what type of 12 gauge shells to buy. I don't know anything about guns. Does anyone here know what kind of shells will be best to do the job? Putting the gun in my mouth and aiming for the brain stem.

The aftermath. I'm not necessarily concerned about clean up. I'm going to take my personal car and drive somewhere with a beautiful view. Tape up sheets or black trash bags over my window and a note so I don't traumatize some poor soul. They can just call emergency services. Going to get drunk, maybe a little stoned while I listen to music and do the deed. I've written my note for my ex, my only and best friend and my brothers and dad. My biggest concern for this aftermath category is what do I leave my kids? A letter? A video? What do I say to them? How will they deal with it after I'm gone? Am I a terrible person for abandoning my kiddos? It sounds so terrible to say and I hate myself for even thinking it but I wish I didn't have kids so this decision would be easier. What do I do here? Any suggestions would be helpful as I'm really struggling at the moment.

 

[sickworld2023]

I understand where you're coming from of not being able to do this anymore. I feel much the same way.

But, as an answer to your question about your kids-I advise you to check yourself into a resource center or find a good therapist instead. I know this is the last thing you want to hear, and that you have a plan all set up. But I had a friend whose dad killed himself, and she will never be the same. She couldn't seem to understand that it wasn't her fault, and she is constantly in pain, wondering what she could have done or if she missed any signs. Your kids love you so much more than you realize, even more than they realize. They need you for as long as they can have you. I understand if you feel you have to follow through with this, but those kiddos need you. I don't want to tell you what to do, but I strongly advise that you rethink. It sounds like they are your reason for living, and the beautiful thing is that you only need one reason. Cling to it, and watch your kids grow up <3

 

[jazzcat]

to be honest with you, I don't appreciate the fact that you brought new life into a world that you yourself can't stand, and now you're planning to abandon them, to me that seems cruel
I don't want to be unfair and I'm sorry you're struggling but I don't know what you could possibly say to them to make it easier to deal with

 

[Depression]

I understand where you're coming from of not being able to do this anymore. I feel much the same way.

But, as an answer to your question about your kids-I advise you to check yourself into a resource center or find a good therapist instead. I know this is the last thing you want to hear, and that you have a plan all set up. But I had a friend whose dad killed himself, and she will never be the same. She couldn't seem to understand that it wasn't her fault, and she is constantly in pain, wondering what she could have done or if she missed any signs. Your kids love you so much more than you realize, even more than they realize. They need you for as long as they can have you. I understand if you feel you have to follow through with this, but those kiddos need you. I don't want to tell you what to do, but I strongly advise that you rethink. It sounds like they are your reason for living, and the beautiful thing is that you only need one reason. Cling to it, and watch your kids grow up <3

I totally understand where you're coming from. I do. Your post honestly brought me to tears. But I also don't want my kids to grow up seeing me a miserable, depressing mess. I've tried therapy and I didn't have a very good experience. My kids are also young. All under 10. I'm just very conflicted about all this but not so much that I wanna take the suicide option off the table. It doesn't help that my ex takes every opportunity to beat me down and belittle me. I feel like deep down on some level she likes to see me suffer.

 

[Victor1]

A couple things. First @jazzcat, I really don't think Depression had kids knowing how this was going to turn out. If you read his post, what sent him down the spiral was something that happened later with his ex. You never know what someone has gone through, so let's not jump to conclusions.

Second, I agree with both previous posters that if you can possibly manage it, please find a way to stick around for your kids' sake. A friend of mine's father topped himself 30 years ago, and it haunts her still. I know you don't want to do that to your kids. If you can find a way to hold it together, even if only for a few years, it may reduce the trauma they experience. Or at least if they are older, they'll be better equipped to deal with it.

As far as letter vs video for your kids, I think each method has advantages and disadvantages. I'm doing both myself; letters for a few close ones and a video for a group I'm involved in. If you find yourself getting too emotional while trying to shoot a vid, letters might be the way to go. The nice thing about letters is that you can easily edit them to convey exactly what you want. With a video, it's a little harder when you have to do multiple takes to correct everything you don't like.

As far as content goes, try to give them something to hold on to. Relate a story or two about cherished memories of quality time you spent together, an accomplishment of theirs that you witnessed and were particularly proud of, or some quality they possess that you admire. Mostly, just make sure they know how much you love them and emphasize that it's not their fault.

I hope you find your way through this.