Help I need help regarding my choice of method. Also, how do I inform my sister about my decision without making her panic? Rant in between.

[DoingIt4ThemNotMe]

If you're curious to know then constant suicidal ideation, along with the realization that I'm not cut out for this world has made me come here. I have everything going for me (words of my uncle). Anyways. This may sound like the stupidest thing ever, but I really need to tell her that I'm going and that I need her to take care of everyone (which she will, anyway but I'd rather make an informed decision than write a letter and go about ending my life, I know I'm perhaps the only one who thinks like that). I've done horrible things which I'm too ashamed to even admit, I'm not willing to even let go of my bad habits, so if I end up living I'll only make it worse for everyone. I'd thought about getting ect but never mustered up the courage to ask for it (You can skip the rant below if you want) I don't want to be a burden on my family in the future and I pretty much know that someone like me doesn't deserve a dime. I've thought of escaping from home, finding my true purpose through meditation in forests, started believing in God again recently (it gave me strength, dunno why I left doing that). I had pretended to be an atheist for the past couple of years(don't ask why, seriously). So last month I ended up almost committing suicide on July 17th but I chickened out and foolishly thought that things would get better, so I confessed to my entire family and showed my parents my suicide letter (I couldn't bring myself to actually say what I'd done, so I just showed it to them) I promised to all of them that I'd not do anything stupid in the future. I shouldn't have showed my letter or confessed to any of them, as ultimately I'd return back to the same mindset of feeling worthless and undeserving due to my past (and present) deeds which I'm too ashamed to even admit. They'll just feel worse now than they would have, had I done it on the 17th itself or earlier, since my father had sensed something was wrong back then and had inquired but I had said nothing since I'd made up my mind. As it is it's too late to change things now and my chances of survival would be more now since I'm much more panicked out now than I was back then a few weeks ago. TL;DR I'm in two minds as much as I'd hate to admit; but I'm determined to follow through for the sake of my family's financial security and emotional well-being in the future. I have plenty of methods in mind with the most basic one being jumping from the top floor of the building along with others such as overdosing, pretending to walk across the road w/ headphone plugged in, hanging myself (any excuses for buying a noose?) & nitrogen asphyxiation. Help?

 

[DreamCatcher]

If you don't want someone to panic, don't tell them. There isn't a good way to tell someone that, and even your closest friends and family probably won't understand.

Also pretty much everyone who thinks they are a burden for others usually isn't. If friends and family are okay with paying to keep you around then you're lucky and you should stretch it as long as you can. You're not taking advantage of them, they're buying time with you. It's a different way to look at it. It's a positive thing that people actually care enough to support you.

Everyone has crap in the past, and things they regret. That's in the past, learn from it and don't do it anymore. If you're still doing things you regret, then stop. It's not easy but nothing about life or death is easy.

I hope you find peace regardless of what you choose.

 

[calendulo]

Do yo expect your sister not making panic when you tell her your great idea?.

Will be a human being as well.

Thinking about her. do not do anything. Better, much better.

 

[LittleJem]

Don't catch the bus for your family. They would prefer if you stay around!! Only do it if it is for you. It will hurt them. I'm also wanting to ctb, just staying and trying to get treatment for my family. I can't bear this depression much longer. But believe me, don't do it for them.