I explain why I am considering suicide below, later in the post.
I am strongly considering suicide and have access to methadone and hydromorphone (dilaudid). i am afraid of screwing up and ending up in terrible pain. Also, the last thing I want happen is to survive the attempt and end up in the hospital all screw up with brain damage or paralyzed or something. How much methadone should I take? Should I take dilaudid with it too? Should I take alcohol with it? Should I have alka-seltzer before doing this? I read that alkaseltzer makes the methadone stronger. Anything else I should do?
I figure I should give you some backstory on my life, especially considering this may be one of the last things I write if I actually decide to commit suicide. Also, I just want to vent..
I am a 26 year-old male. I was born with many chronic illnesses, these health issues have made my life so damn difficult and my health has taken a downward spiral in the last 6-7 years. I was born with a rare incurable neurological illness/cancer known as Neurofibromatosis Type 1 (NF). NF causes tumors (usually non-cancerous, but can sometimes turn cancerous to grow on nerve endings in the body. It is extremely painful since the tumors grow directly on nerves and there are A TON of tumors inside my body. One tumor- since birth- has been pressing on my right lung and prevents it from expanding, so I only had one functioning lung my entire life. Due to the NF it caused a bunch of other health issues. Growing up I had failure to thrive and terrible nausea. I was always and still am very very skinny and small. I don't have failure to thrive any more but still just do not put on weight no matter how much I eat. The NF also cause a bunch of skeletal deformities. I have chronic scoliosis and also my spinal vertebrae are EXTREMELY thin. I had a full spinal fusion so I can hardly bend and walk funny. My spine is always very stiff due to the fusion. I also used to have a terrible chest deformity, but while I was in High School this super famous doctor did a full reconstructive chest surgery that helped flatten out my chest. They basically broke my sternum into a dozen or so pieces that rapped the bones together in metal wire to hold it all together. I wouldn't say that my chest looks normal, but it looks a hell of a lot better. I have had more than 50+ surgical procedures in my life, almost died a half dozen times ( as far as I know... It could be more). Despite all this shit I was able to have partially normal life. I had some independence for myself, espeically considering all the health issues I had. Never got held left back and excelled in school .Hung out with friends on the weekend. Went on vacations with family.
In high school I did really well and got full scholar ships to a bunch of prestigious universities. Unfortunately, I already knew that I had to stay close to home since I could not dorm and life far from home. I picked an decent but average CUNY school and got a full scholarship and got into their honors programs. At that time I noticed some worsening health issues. Had less energy. More brain fog. Less feeling in my legs... But, I just pushed it to the back of my mind and told myself it was nothing and would pass. A year into college my health started to decline to the point that I began bring it up with my parents. I got in touch with my doctors and keep nagging them until they preformed scans and tests on me. I read stuff about the vagus nerve and was convinced that my issues were due to a tumor pressing on it. None of the docs believed me until the did a PET scan and turns out there was a grapefruit sized tumor in my neck directly on the vagusnerve. This was surprising since my neck looked COMPLETELY normal. The doc said I almost died during the procedure and that he doesnt understand how I survived... The symptoms kept persisting after the procedure, so I insisted that the problem was with my spine and that the Harrington rods (titanium spinal rods. I have two spinal rods running parallel the entire length of my spine) were broken. My orthopedic doctor did an X-Ray and turned out there was a small break in the rod. He insisted it was a tiny break and was not causing my pain, but I insisted that he do the procedure and replace the rods. This was a big mistake. The procedure possibly made my pain and issues worse and since then I never went back to college and had to quite my job and the local library. I now spend most of my days in bed and in terrible pain. I am on a ton of heavy duty medications and lots of dilaudid and methadone. I never had a ton of friends growing up. Now I have even less.
I have tried so many different treatments and experiment drugs and therapies. NOTHING SEEMS TO WORK. The NF tumors in my body just keep growing and getting bigger and bigger. Once in 2016 one of my tumors ended up being a deadly cancer known as a Malignant Peripheral Nerve Sheath Tumor. I had to get it removed and got radiation treatments. I now have to get a full body scan every 6 months to check for cancer. 6 months ago the tumor pressing on my lung began growing at a really quick rate. The doctors freaked out and had it biopsied. It was not cancerous, but the tumor is still growing and the doctors still think it might be cancerous.
It has been 6 months since then, so I had another PET scan. Now there is a tumor in the other side of my chest that is growing supper fast. I have to get a biopsy on the 28th to see if it is cancerous, but the doctors do not know what to do if it is cancerous since the tumor in my chest is not one single circular blobs. Instead, it is like a octopus's tentacles; it is rapped all around my organs and lungs. I am so lonely. I hate my body. I'm so fucking hideous. I hate myself. I am insecure. Weird. I want to get outgoing, confident, cool, sexy, interesting, sociable. I am non of these things. I am 26 and still a fucking virgin. I have no future.
I have always avoided using social media, but recently I randomly decided to download instagram and tiktok. It was a complete mistake and makes my feel like shit whenever I use it, yet I always go back to using it. I see all these guy my age who are so good looking, athletic and fit, confident. They look happy and always seem like they have stuff to do. Friends to hang out with. Girls to date. Hobbies and interests to partake in. I just want to be given a chance to have the life that I WANT. A life that is worth living. I don't want to be a crippled loser with physical and mental health problems. Who is a weird ugly introvert who has no social skills or ability to be independent.
I guess I am rambling now. I just wish things were different. I want to die so badly but whenever I am about to do it I chicken out. I am too much of a pussy to even kill my-fucking-self.. It just scares the fuck out of me. I am an atheist, so I don't believe in heaven or a god. Yet, dying and having my consciousness completely erased; for there to be nothing... That just scares me so fucking much.
Sometimes I convince myself that I am going to go to sleep one night and wake up with the life I want and be the person I want to be and look the way I want to be. But that is childish BS. This nightmare is my life and it will not end until I die.
I hope I do not seem like a total nut for making this long rambling post.
If anyone can explain how to properly using methadone, dilaudid, and possibly alka-seltzer and/or alcohol to end my life painlessly, then please explain it to me in the comments.
Aside from that, if anyone has advise, or anything to say about the rest of my post, then please feel free to write something. If anyone has insight of my fear of death or my fear to finally end it all then I would like to have more of a discussion... TBH, I am not necessarily in any rush to commit suicide so I have time to chat.
I am strongly considering suicide and have access to methadone and hydromorphone (dilaudid). i am afraid of screwing up and ending up in terrible pain. Also, the last thing I want happen is to survive the attempt and end up in the hospital all screw up with brain damage or paralyzed or something. How much methadone should I take? Should I take dilaudid with it too? Should I take alcohol with it? Should I have alka-seltzer before doing this? I read that alkaseltzer makes the methadone stronger. Anything else I should do?
I figure I should give you some backstory on my life, especially considering this may be one of the last things I write if I actually decide to commit suicide. Also, I just want to vent..
I am a 26 year-old male. I was born with many chronic illnesses, these health issues have made my life so damn difficult and my health has taken a downward spiral in the last 6-7 years. I was born with a rare incurable neurological illness/cancer known as Neurofibromatosis Type 1 (NF). NF causes tumors (usually non-cancerous, but can sometimes turn cancerous to grow on nerve endings in the body. It is extremely painful since the tumors grow directly on nerves and there are A TON of tumors inside my body. One tumor- since birth- has been pressing on my right lung and prevents it from expanding, so I only had one functioning lung my entire life. Due to the NF it caused a bunch of other health issues. Growing up I had failure to thrive and terrible nausea. I was always and still am very very skinny and small. I don't have failure to thrive any more but still just do not put on weight no matter how much I eat. The NF also cause a bunch of skeletal deformities. I have chronic scoliosis and also my spinal vertebrae are EXTREMELY thin. I had a full spinal fusion so I can hardly bend and walk funny. My spine is always very stiff due to the fusion. I also used to have a terrible chest deformity, but while I was in High School this super famous doctor did a full reconstructive chest surgery that helped flatten out my chest. They basically broke my sternum into a dozen or so pieces that rapped the bones together in metal wire to hold it all together. I wouldn't say that my chest looks normal, but it looks a hell of a lot better. I have had more than 50+ surgical procedures in my life, almost died a half dozen times ( as far as I know... It could be more). Despite all this shit I was able to have partially normal life. I had some independence for myself, espeically considering all the health issues I had. Never got held left back and excelled in school .Hung out with friends on the weekend. Went on vacations with family.
In high school I did really well and got full scholar ships to a bunch of prestigious universities. Unfortunately, I already knew that I had to stay close to home since I could not dorm and life far from home. I picked an decent but average CUNY school and got a full scholarship and got into their honors programs. At that time I noticed some worsening health issues. Had less energy. More brain fog. Less feeling in my legs... But, I just pushed it to the back of my mind and told myself it was nothing and would pass. A year into college my health started to decline to the point that I began bring it up with my parents. I got in touch with my doctors and keep nagging them until they preformed scans and tests on me. I read stuff about the vagus nerve and was convinced that my issues were due to a tumor pressing on it. None of the docs believed me until the did a PET scan and turns out there was a grapefruit sized tumor in my neck directly on the vagusnerve. This was surprising since my neck looked COMPLETELY normal. The doc said I almost died during the procedure and that he doesnt understand how I survived... The symptoms kept persisting after the procedure, so I insisted that the problem was with my spine and that the Harrington rods (titanium spinal rods. I have two spinal rods running parallel the entire length of my spine) were broken. My orthopedic doctor did an X-Ray and turned out there was a small break in the rod. He insisted it was a tiny break and was not causing my pain, but I insisted that he do the procedure and replace the rods. This was a big mistake. The procedure possibly made my pain and issues worse and since then I never went back to college and had to quite my job and the local library. I now spend most of my days in bed and in terrible pain. I am on a ton of heavy duty medications and lots of dilaudid and methadone. I never had a ton of friends growing up. Now I have even less.
I have tried so many different treatments and experiment drugs and therapies. NOTHING SEEMS TO WORK. The NF tumors in my body just keep growing and getting bigger and bigger. Once in 2016 one of my tumors ended up being a deadly cancer known as a Malignant Peripheral Nerve Sheath Tumor. I had to get it removed and got radiation treatments. I now have to get a full body scan every 6 months to check for cancer. 6 months ago the tumor pressing on my lung began growing at a really quick rate. The doctors freaked out and had it biopsied. It was not cancerous, but the tumor is still growing and the doctors still think it might be cancerous.
It has been 6 months since then, so I had another PET scan. Now there is a tumor in the other side of my chest that is growing supper fast. I have to get a biopsy on the 28th to see if it is cancerous, but the doctors do not know what to do if it is cancerous since the tumor in my chest is not one single circular blobs. Instead, it is like a octopus's tentacles; it is rapped all around my organs and lungs. I am so lonely. I hate my body. I'm so fucking hideous. I hate myself. I am insecure. Weird. I want to get outgoing, confident, cool, sexy, interesting, sociable. I am non of these things. I am 26 and still a fucking virgin. I have no future.
I have always avoided using social media, but recently I randomly decided to download instagram and tiktok. It was a complete mistake and makes my feel like shit whenever I use it, yet I always go back to using it. I see all these guy my age who are so good looking, athletic and fit, confident. They look happy and always seem like they have stuff to do. Friends to hang out with. Girls to date. Hobbies and interests to partake in. I just want to be given a chance to have the life that I WANT. A life that is worth living. I don't want to be a crippled loser with physical and mental health problems. Who is a weird ugly introvert who has no social skills or ability to be independent.
I guess I am rambling now. I just wish things were different. I want to die so badly but whenever I am about to do it I chicken out. I am too much of a pussy to even kill my-fucking-self.. It just scares the fuck out of me. I am an atheist, so I don't believe in heaven or a god. Yet, dying and having my consciousness completely erased; for there to be nothing... That just scares me so fucking much.
Sometimes I convince myself that I am going to go to sleep one night and wake up with the life I want and be the person I want to be and look the way I want to be. But that is childish BS. This nightmare is my life and it will not end until I die.
I hope I do not seem like a total nut for making this long rambling post.
If anyone can explain how to properly using methadone, dilaudid, and possibly alka-seltzer and/or alcohol to end my life painlessly, then please explain it to me in the comments.
Aside from that, if anyone has advise, or anything to say about the rest of my post, then please feel free to write something. If anyone has insight of my fear of death or my fear to finally end it all then I would like to have more of a discussion... TBH, I am not necessarily in any rush to commit suicide so I have time to chat.
