Help I need an advice

[dkdkdkdkkd]

So, I decided that I should do it. However, I decided to think more about it and now I'm kinda stuck. I think you understand that I can't ask my friends or relatives about it so this forum can really help me, I hope.
The question is - am I an asshole for committing?
For the context: I have plans on moving and studying abroad for the next four years. Beforehand I have spent 2 years preparing myself for this moment, studying and everything. (Also my parents spent around 15k euros on my studies in these 2 years) But, after the second year of preparation, after all of the exams were done, I realized that studying abroad lays too much responsibility on me and decided to ctb (because tuition fees and living expenses are expensive and I feel the need to repay all that to my family in future, but I feel like I won't succeed + there are some other struggles that I have).
But, here comes the first problem. I'm already knee deep in the process of moving. The enrollment fee was already paid (and it's not cheap), all the documents have been collected and will be submitted soon to make a visa, etc. This means that if I ctb, all time and energy that were spent on all of this will go to waste, which makes me an asshole, I believe.
I can kinda accept the scenario where I disappoint only my family by committing, because I always disappoint my family and it doesn't matter anymore
However, here comes the second problem.
I am supposed to move with my friend. We're admitted to the same uni and we planned to live together to cut the costs. I think, this is the main reason why I believe that my choice will be too egoistic, because I know how important all of this is for her and I really don't want to traumatize her because at the end of the day she doesn't have anything to do with my mental health and my problems.
So, now I feel quite frustrated because I don't want to ruin other people's lives.

 

[Kasumi]

When you ctb and what other people do for you have nothing to do with each other.
Only cause someone gives you some cookies doesn't mean you have to eat them. It was their decision to give them to you.
You will probably disappoint them, if that's something that you worry about, it doesn't make you an asshole though.
You have every right to do what you want with your own life, even if other people aren't happy about it.
Doesn't mean you should, but no one can say you're a bad person if you do.

If you see it in yourself to be able to go on for a while longer than perhaps you could do that, even if it's just for yourself to feel less bad.
I mean even when you're prepared and ready to ctb, there is no one forcing you to, so you might as well hold off on it for how ever long you're able to.

 

[cami]

if you think you can hold on, then i'd say give it a try because all those changes might change something in you. who knows. but if you can't, it is your decision in the end and not your parents or friends. and therefore it is up to you. nobody else can make the choice for you. much love no matter what you choose.

 

[Scythe]

I think you should talk about this with your familt, first. Of course, leave out the ctb part, but just tell them that they've put you in a tough suituation and maybe they will let you quit or at least lighten your burden. But if you do decide to die, you would never be the asshole. I believe all suicide is justified unless a small child would be orphaned without any family left to take care of them and you didn't bother to contact a shelter beforehand.

 

[Praestat_Mori]

The question is - am I an asshole for committing?

You are neither an "asshole" nor a coward nor anything else if you commited suicide for what ever personal reason you may have. People who have the courgage to finally free themselves from all agony and suffering in this world are admireable. Suicide was always and will always be a legal option for me under certain circumstances.

As others said already, talk about your concerns with your parents, but without mentioning anything about CTB plans. CTB is irreversible once successful.

I wish you all the best for your future!

 

[FuneralCry]

The reality is that none of us are obligated to continue existing here, it will always be a personal decision deciding when to leave. And anyway we all have to die anyway, eventually everything we knew will be lost to death no matter what, so if someone wants to take control over their inevitable fate then they have every right to.

 

[LittleJem]

Is your life really that bad to ctb? Or just to avoid responsibility doesn't seem fair. It might seem daunting but you have achieved the preparation. You have a friemd to move with… you might enjoy it?