Venting I must live but I want to die so bad

[Kimlett]

I must live at least until I finish my studies and try to work as a dietician and lose weight. That's the promise I made to myself. I might not make it. I am in so much pain. I hate life so much. I'm doing all this to give life one last chance of being fucking worth it. But today I'm aching so much. That's what 8 hours in a boring office does to my head. I am not binge eating but I'm overeating a bit because I can't stand life without food. I wish I had weed. I don't want to be fucking awake, I just don't feel like doing anything. Society is so fucking pointless and I don't want to stay in it for 80 years. I'm only 31, fuuuuuck, I have too much time left in this fucking planet. I can't stop thinking about hanging from a tree, I want to do it so bad, I want to be done with everything and start planning my suicide, but I don't want to hurt my family, I wish I was alone and I could end it without hurting anyone. I doubt I'm mentally ill, I think I just see existence and the world as the fucking disgusting shit it is. I want something to kill me, please, please, please.

 

[BloomingAzaleas]

If you fail at living the life you wish to live, that's okay too
You'll never regret it

 

[ventingfrustrations]

I also feel this way that I would hurt my mom

 

[getoutgirl]

"I wish I was alone and I could end it without hurting anyone"
That hits. I've felt that way too many times. Thought those same words. I know the struggle.
Regarding whether or not you are mentally ill, if you haven't, you might want to read this very short and incredibly silly old webcomic
https://hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.com/2013/05/depression-part-two.html
your quote appears pretty much verbatum on it, and I'm pretty sure you will relate to a lot of the other stuff that it deals with. It gave me some perspective on the "am i mentally ill" thing. it's just a great, depressive, fun quick read and it helps me a lot when I'm feeling like that, it's cathartic. It also has an even shorter part 1. Ok enough praising, check it out if you have time.
Take it slow, and take care <3

 

[Kimlett]

"I wish I was alone and I could end it without hurting anyone"
That hits. I've felt that way too many times. Thought those same words. I know the struggle.
Regarding whether or not you are mentally ill, if you haven't, you might want to read this very short and incredibly silly old webcomic
https://hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.com/2013/05/depression-part-two.html
your quote appears pretty much verbatum on it, and I'm pretty sure you will relate to a lot of the other stuff that it deals with. It gave me some perspective on the "am i mentally ill" thing. it's just a great, depressive, fun quick read and it helps me a lot when I'm feeling like that, it's cathartic. It also has an even shorter part 1. Ok enough praising, check it out if you have time.
Take it slow, and take care <3

Thanks for the recommendation, it's pretty good.

I'm feeling calmer today, now I feel embarrased I suck at life