gingerplum
Enlightened
- Nov 5, 2018
- 1,450
I'm so sorry, guys.
Here's the thing about me. I am unreliable AF. The more I feel like people are depending on me, the more I tend to flake on them. You guys made me feel needed, and valued, so naturally I panicked. I didn't want any fuss, but I felt obligated to say goodbye before I tapped out. For a bunch of different reasons. In that moment, I didn't have an active plan, I just did not want to live anymore. You guys were as kind and supportive as I knew you would be. Thank you all so much for being so sweet, your words were like a warm embrace at a time when I really needed it.
I spent the last few days crying, binge drinking, and moping. I really feel like it's gotten to the point where I think my kids would be better off without me. My daughter told me she keeps her earbuds in all the time so she can't hear me sobbing. I can remember very vividly how stressful and frightening it is as a kid to hear your mother crying; how unsafe and out of control it felt.
It's not ok that I'm doing this to her. Nothing about my selfish meltdowns is ok. Sometimes I think it's not even the sadness that bothers me; I think it's that I can still remember what it was like to feel really happy. That's the awful part, really... that I have such vivid memories of being super happy.
I was envious when I read that @TiredHorse was in recovery. Of course I am thrilled for him, but I'm definitely jealous of him having that kind of resiliency. How I wish it were me.
On top of being more depressed than usual, the loss of @Crest33 and then @311 hit me really hard. Crest's sister actually contacted me... that was pretty gut wrenching. I thought, I just don't know if I can do this anymore. I wanted so desperately to stop @311 from ctb, I actually thought about alerting the authorities. I knew his name, his brother's name, his birthday, the general area he was in, and his parents' professions. Yeah, I seriously fucking thought about it doing something that intrusive, an unthinkable violation of trust. I am embarrassed to admit that, but yeah, in that moment I was completely overwhelmed with maternal instinct to protect him from himself. So, I realized I needed some time and some perspective.
Sorry to ramble. Thanks for listening. It feels good to be back.
Omg I just checked my emails. God, you guys are the absolute best. Means the world to me, thank you, thank you all so much!
Here's the thing about me. I am unreliable AF. The more I feel like people are depending on me, the more I tend to flake on them. You guys made me feel needed, and valued, so naturally I panicked. I didn't want any fuss, but I felt obligated to say goodbye before I tapped out. For a bunch of different reasons. In that moment, I didn't have an active plan, I just did not want to live anymore. You guys were as kind and supportive as I knew you would be. Thank you all so much for being so sweet, your words were like a warm embrace at a time when I really needed it.
I spent the last few days crying, binge drinking, and moping. I really feel like it's gotten to the point where I think my kids would be better off without me. My daughter told me she keeps her earbuds in all the time so she can't hear me sobbing. I can remember very vividly how stressful and frightening it is as a kid to hear your mother crying; how unsafe and out of control it felt.
It's not ok that I'm doing this to her. Nothing about my selfish meltdowns is ok. Sometimes I think it's not even the sadness that bothers me; I think it's that I can still remember what it was like to feel really happy. That's the awful part, really... that I have such vivid memories of being super happy.
I was envious when I read that @TiredHorse was in recovery. Of course I am thrilled for him, but I'm definitely jealous of him having that kind of resiliency. How I wish it were me.
On top of being more depressed than usual, the loss of @Crest33 and then @311 hit me really hard. Crest's sister actually contacted me... that was pretty gut wrenching. I thought, I just don't know if I can do this anymore. I wanted so desperately to stop @311 from ctb, I actually thought about alerting the authorities. I knew his name, his brother's name, his birthday, the general area he was in, and his parents' professions. Yeah, I seriously fucking thought about it doing something that intrusive, an unthinkable violation of trust. I am embarrassed to admit that, but yeah, in that moment I was completely overwhelmed with maternal instinct to protect him from himself. So, I realized I needed some time and some perspective.
Sorry to ramble. Thanks for listening. It feels good to be back.
Omg I just checked my emails. God, you guys are the absolute best. Means the world to me, thank you, thank you all so much!
