Venting i miss my old SI

[roping]

by si, i mean suicidal ideation, survival instinct also has the same abbreviation which i think is ironic but yeah i thought id clarify. around a year ago, i was a lot more suicidal than i am now, in terms of my motivation to do so. i mean since then, i still am and always was suicidal in a way, but its not as much as it was. cognitively, i do still strongly believe it's a good way out, but my will to do it just hasnt been the same. blaming my own motivation for still being here doesnt sit well with me either.

 

[noalarms]

I've had the same experience - before I knew how difficult suicide was, I was committed to doing it, but after joining the forum I've realised that most methods are flawed in some way, and that I'm not desperate enough to take the risk of attempting and failing.

I think when someone is motivated to kill themselves despite knowing the risks, they will use any method that is reliable, no matter how painful it is. I am not at that stage yet. I'm not sure I ever will be.

I've considered other ways of escaping my problems, like running away, but with so many so many cameras and social media, I don't think it will work. And besides, even if it did, how would I feed myself? Where would I stay? etc.

I think I'm slowly coming to the conclusion that escaping this world is impossible.

There is really nothing I can do.

 

[FuneralCry]

Your feelings are understandable. Actually going through with suicide can be difficult and it can require energy and motivation to even plan methods. I really wish that ctb is as easy as just choosing to peacefully pass away in my sleep.

 

[makethepainstop]

Dude only you can possibly know what is right for you.

by si, i mean suicidal ideation, survival instinct also has the same abbreviation which i think is ironic but yeah i thought id clarify. around a year ago, i was a lot more suicidal than i am now, in terms of my motivation to do so. i mean since then, i still am and always was suicidal in a way, but its not as much as it was. cognitively, i do still strongly believe it's a good way out, but my will to do it just hasnt been the same. blaming my own motivation for still being here doesnt sit well with me either.

 

[Hirokami]

Same. There was a point where I was actively planning, going as far as to getting ready to order SN. Though, my finances took a hit and I just lost the motivation since. There are just so many steps and risks to ctb. I just don't have the spoons for it anymore.