This would be a small issue for many, especially for younger people who have more time and room to mess up. For me, though, it's a huge deal.
It took so much self-hyping just to apply, then to go to the interview, then to training, then my first day. Everything was mountainous for me. But I was finally getting somewhere.
Many things plagued me emotionally, as usual. Every time after work, I would analyze and criticize my interactions with others, sometimes for days. It was like mental torture, like when you have a tooth issue, so you keep playing with it with your tongue and can't focus on anything else. I'm just so not used to talking to people I don't know well. It's been so long and I was always terrible at it. With loved ones, I can check back, reassure myself that everything is well, but not with strangers. So I would just obsess instead. To everyone there, I probably came across as cringy and overly perky. I'm very awkward, that's basically objective fact.
In spite of all my issues, though, it was the perfect job for someone like me. There were many aspects of it that I really loved. I had confidence. I felt almost like a normal person. I felt independent. I worked the absolute hardest that I could. I bruised myself terribly, inside and out.
None of it matters. I'm incapable of handling the stress. I lack the conditioning of everyone else. I left them inconvenienced, so none of the work I did leading up to it matters. They will tell every other employer than I am weak-willed and unreliable, and they'd be right to do so. I deserve it. They were good enough to hire me, but I let everyone down.
I'll never get anywhere.
It took so much self-hyping just to apply, then to go to the interview, then to training, then my first day. Everything was mountainous for me. But I was finally getting somewhere.
Many things plagued me emotionally, as usual. Every time after work, I would analyze and criticize my interactions with others, sometimes for days. It was like mental torture, like when you have a tooth issue, so you keep playing with it with your tongue and can't focus on anything else. I'm just so not used to talking to people I don't know well. It's been so long and I was always terrible at it. With loved ones, I can check back, reassure myself that everything is well, but not with strangers. So I would just obsess instead. To everyone there, I probably came across as cringy and overly perky. I'm very awkward, that's basically objective fact.
In spite of all my issues, though, it was the perfect job for someone like me. There were many aspects of it that I really loved. I had confidence. I felt almost like a normal person. I felt independent. I worked the absolute hardest that I could. I bruised myself terribly, inside and out.
None of it matters. I'm incapable of handling the stress. I lack the conditioning of everyone else. I left them inconvenienced, so none of the work I did leading up to it matters. They will tell every other employer than I am weak-willed and unreliable, and they'd be right to do so. I deserve it. They were good enough to hire me, but I let everyone down.
I'll never get anywhere.
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