Venting I miss my best friend

[neverwashere]

I miss my best friend. She's not dead or anything, but she might as well be-- we had a falling out in October and haven't talked since. For whatever reason I decided to get drunk tonight and I'm realizing how much I miss her.

I have an ex who I'll call N. I thought N hated B, my best friend, because she would always say how annoying she is and how much she dislikes her. And to win N's affection and approval, I would also talk shit about B behind her back with N. I would always feel horrible about it, but I convinced myself it was the right thing to do. Fast forward a few months and N and I had a very messy and emotional breakup. One thing led to another and N and B became friends, and N told B about the things I'd say about her, even though she would also say those things. I was definitely in the wrong in the breakup and the relationship was unstable from the start, but I wasn't expecting this from her. But on the other hand, B deserved to know the truth, yknow?

But yeah. This was before I graduated high school, and I had just switched schools when this happened, so it was easy for me to cut B off (or I guess the other way around?) and after I got over losing B, I didn't look back and moved on with my life. Until now.

I miss her. I really wish I could tell her I miss her and take back everything I said. I never meant any of it, I don't know why I thought it would be a good idea to talk shit about my best friend with someone I KNEW wasn't good for me. I miss our stupid conversations and I miss when we would laugh about the dumbest shit for hours until our stomachs hurt. I miss borrowing her perfume, playing with her adorable cat, getting coffee together after school, everything. I really wish I could have been a better friend.

The more I think about it, the more I'm starting to miss her, the more I'm starting to hate myself. I know there's no point in talking about how much I miss her and regret being shitty towards her because it won't bring her back. It won't undo anything I've done. I should have killed myself ages ago, I shouldn't be alive. The world doesn't have room for awful, vile people like me, I don't even know why I bother anymore. I just want B back. I know it'll never happen and even if we somehow get in contact again, it won't ever be the same-- because even if she's forgiven me, all of B's friends hate me. I found out through a mutual that they pretty much have an unofficial hate club for me. Deserved, sure, but it also caught me off guard when I found out.

I want nothing more than to die right now. I need to die. All I do is hurt people, I didn't;t deserve to be born in the first place, so why bother wasting oxygen, Money, and other people's time? Just thinking about it is making me nauseous.

I'm so sorry for making all of you read this, I know its all over the place.I just. I needed to get it off my chest in case I decide tonight is the night and finally rid the world of me. I've been getting close to it almost every night but haven't done anything. realistically I won't do anything tonight either. But on the off chance I do, I want to at least die knowing I confessed this.

B, I hope you aren't reading this because that would mean you're on this form. But if you are, I just wanted to let you know how sorry I am. You're the most amazing person ever, and I miss you. I miss you more than words can express. I'm so sorry for everything that happened, I genuinely hope that you're happier now and that you've fully moved on. In case you're curious, I did kind of move on. Not fully, as you can see, but I have a new best friend. They're cool and I like hanging out with them, but it isn't the same as you. we were so much closer.I miss you so much. If I make it through the night, I hope we'll meet again in the distant future and maybe things won't go back to how they were before, but maybe they'll come close.

 

[Illidan77]

is there a way you can message her?? or through 3rd person..
i think it would do good if you say it.. no matter her reaction'll be..

 

[Forever Sleep]

I'm so sorry. It can feel heartbreaking to lose your best friend. I have just drifted apart from mine. I'm much older than you- I'm 43 but it was terribly painful at the time.

It's going to be little consolation I know but- all you can really do is learn from this. It's done and gone now. You just make sure you don't do it again. I expect we've all done things in the past that we regret now. I remember hanging round with a group of girls and one in particular would take the piss out of people- and we would all join in- I suppose to feel like we were part of her 'club'. I knew it was wrong- I was old enough to know better and there aren't any excuses. It sounds like neither of us was the protagonist in this bad behaviour but- yeah- we shouldn't have participated. But there we go- we did.

We both made that mistake. It was really a selfish mistake- to try and fit in socially rather than being deliberately mallicious to your friend but still- it has consequences. I just think you need to learn from it and try to move on. It may be that you one day get back in touch with your friend and you're able to appologise. It's hard to know whether things could be the same. I expect some trust has been damaged.

Sorry to sound patronizing and full of cliche's but I expect time will help too- if you choose to continue. My best friend meant the world to me at one point. We are barely friends at all now- our lives are just so different. There's still some sadness there- of course but- it's nowhere near as intense now.

That time will always be special to you and you'll likely always regret what happened but- we all make mistakes in life. It's how we learn. The next time you come across someone like this 'N' person- you'll know not to engage in gossip. I hope you do find your way through this and forgive yourself- it was just a mistake that you now bitterly regret.

 

[neverwashere]

is there a way you can message her?? or through 3rd person..
i think it would do good if you say it.. no matter her reaction'll be..

no sadly there isn't. I've deleted her number from my phone when the initial fight happened and the only social media I followed her on was Instagram but my account there got banned. Also, I really dont want to involve other people in something that doesn't involve them

 

[Quetzalcoatl]

I miss my best friend too, it's been a year since we last spoke. I hope you find closure somehow, in this world or the next