Venting I miss her so much

[Foogs]

The one I had to let go of because my disability, which developed in the middle of our relationship, was making our lives (and especially hers) awful. Full story if you care: https://sanctioned-suicide.net/threads/why-i-want-to-ctb-and-my-method.69381/

I had just went into the room where she stayed because I had to get something from there. All of a sudden it was like I realized where I was and immediately started weeping. It was like I could almost still see her there, laying in the bed poking at her phone. When I gathered the strength to leave the room I closed the door behind me and still just wept with my head up against the door. I've never felt loss like this. She's just gone, almost like she's dead to me, because there's no point in ever trying to speak to her unless I can fix my disability. We had one beautifully sad last meeting and that's how I want to leave it, rather than poison that memory with new attempts to communicate with her when I still can't type or speak much. It would just be pathetic. If I ever speak to her again it will be because I'm healed. I'm trying really hard to make that happen. I just miss her so much in the meantime. I hope she's happier now. I hope I get better soon. I need her.

 

[ThrownAwayTom]

I'm so sorry for the way your life has gone - your disability sounds awful and I hope there's some of way out of it.

You will always have people here. I miss the only person I love so much and I only get to be with her in my dreams. It is soul crushing but she is happier.

I wish I could do anything to help.

 

[Journeytoletgo]

I am so sorry OP for your suffering. Attachment, romance, friendship are some painful things to lose. Allow yourself to grieve the loss, I'm sorry life caused you suffering. Just know your disability isn't your fault at all, I know it can be painful.

 

[idonntseethepoint]

I'm so sorry to hear this, my friend. I can't possibly imagine what you are going through with your disability. But I'm also broken by losing the person I loved the most. If you ever need to chat, I am always here.

 

[Foogs]

At least I can be proud of myself for letting her go when it became necessary, She's so kind, she would have just suffered and done her best rather than hurt me. At least I can be glad knowing that she knows I love her enough to have done that, and will always love her.

Still, it doesn't really make it hurt any less. Doesn't make my last memory of her skin, her lips, any less bittersweet. How beautiful she was the last time she looked at me, with a smile and tears in her eyes. If I end up having to CTB, these will be the last things I remember.

 

[FuneralCry]

This life really can be cruel and unfair. I'm sorry you are going through that, it can be painful losing those we love. I wish you well.

 

[idonntseethepoint]

At least I can be proud of myself for letting her go when it became necessary, She's so kind, she would have just suffered and done her best rather than hurt me. At least I can be glad knowing that she knows I love her enough to have done that, and will always love her.

Still, it doesn't really make it hurt any less. Doesn't make my last memory of her skin, her lips, any less bittersweet. How beautiful she was the last time she looked at me, with a smile and tears in her eyes. If I end up having to CTB, these will be the last things I remember.

So sorry for your pain, man. I feel the same. Letting someone you love go is one of the most selfless things you can do. You should be proud that you are a kind enough person to put her first.

 

[Foogs]

I wish I could cut to help me cope, but I know she wouldn't want that. I'm sure that by the time I'm better, if I get better, she'll have moved on from me. But there's still a part of me that hopes I can be with her again, and I'd be ashamed for her to see new cuts on my body. All the ones she saw were very old, I haven't done that in a long time.

She said that whatever happens, she's going to remember me as the strongest person she ever knew. I want that to be true.

I've never wanted to cut more though. Before it was just to cope with the horror of my life, but now I'm actually angry at my body. This fucking body, this curse, I WANT to hurt it.

This about sums up how I feel. I wish I could turn my body into that. NWS https://i.redd.it/bt3w18tct2a71.png

I guess there will be time to do that later if I lose all hope, before I CTB

 

[Foogs]

Ended up doing a small cut... just a little X on my upper calf. Probably won't even scar. I forgot what it actually felt like. The steadiness of my hands finding the right pressure, that first prick of pain to know it went in, the angry twitch of my lips as I drag it across. It felt good.