Venting I miss being able to cut myself

[Malaria]

Maybe this sounds odd to some, but I miss just taking a knife or a pair of scissors and carving up my arm. I've been really wanting to bleed lately. I stopped because the people around me would shame me and yell at me for doing that. These days I result to hitting myself when I want to self harm because it doesn't leave scars like cutting does.

But honestly, I've been self harming since I was ten years old. It gives me a release when life feels so stressful and unbearable.

 

[falling_snow]

I still have my knife (for now), but yeah it feels better to have it than not. ive SH for around 10 years.

Many people recommend ice, cold water, or hair bands, but they dont work that well on me. idk why they dont like me SH, like im not dying.

 

[FallenfromGrace]

Me too:') I've been punching walls or hitting myself in the head with hard metal water bottles or something like that and it's just. I started SHing when I was like 12/13 (as far as I recognized it was sh at least) and I so miss the plastic cutting into my skin and the beading of the blood but I just kept getting looks and questions and the itching of the healing cuts ... It's just not right for me anymore either and it's kinda sad lol

 

[lifewasawillowtv]

I miss the euphoric and elated feeling I'd used to get when I did it. Everything in my mind would go quite for once, it was in a weird way a very enjoyable feeling. I still feel it sometimes but it's much more dull and subdued compared to what it used to be. I think my body's grown more tolerant to cutting which is probably why it doesn't have the same effect anymore.

 

[NeedAnEscape]

I haven't cut myself for a few weeks because I was planning to go an event that could potentially result in revealing some scars. (I only do shallow cuts, so they can heal in time for any social occasions.) And, turns out, nobody was interested in going to the social event with me anyways. I'm frustrated that I wasted weeks refraining from self-harm –– I felt completely numb and I had no way to remove the pain. I've been self-harming since I was a pre-teen. After I was first discovered, I stopped self-harming for a long time because I didn't want to disappoint anyone. But, I inevitably started again. I never actually wanted to stop; I was just preoccupied about how other people would perceive me. There's nothing that could ever replace the process for me. It's what I do to feel something when I feel nothing.

 

[kawaiiphantom]

I can relate a lot tbh the longest I've been able to go since I was 12 without SH is a few months, and that was incredibly difficult. I missed seeing the blood and it's definitely relief for me too when everything is unbearable. It calms me down and grounds me a bit when nothing else works. Although my arms and legs have so many noticeable scars now and having to wear long sleeves sucks. I hate how itchy it gets when healing and it can be uncomfortable to lay down :'<

 

[heisenberg]

i relate. i used to sh whenever i felt any amount of sadness. i thought i deserved it. every time i tried expressing my feelings to my parents and even my therapists they told me i was acting like this for attention and asked me "what's wrong with you." i couldn't cope and felt i had no other way to express my pain and feelings. i stopped sh'ing when i started dating my boyfriend but the urges never left. i think about cutting myself at least twice a week probably. whenever i want to harm myself i usually punch my thighs or hit them with my metal water bottle

 

[druggedonsurvival]

I recently cut up my arms all over and have been able to hide it with long sleeves. It felt right in the moment but now that the cuts are healing it's just annoying and itchy all over my arms so I probably won't do it again anytime soon. I get really irritated by any kind of itch so I don't think it's worth it long term.

 

[thetruetato]

Maybe this sounds odd to some, but I miss just taking a knife or a pair of scissors and carving up my arm. I've been really wanting to bleed lately. I stopped because the people around me would shame me and yell at me for doing that. These days I result to hitting myself when I want to self harm because it doesn't leave scars like cutting does.

But honestly, I've been self harming since I was ten years old. It gives me a release when life feels so stressful and unbearable.

I know how it feels. The main reason why it feels good is because of the adrenaline that your body releases, and there are a few reasons why you can end up craving it so badly. One cause is the constant numbness of depression, which causes people to do self harm to feel something, or it could be caused by a need to feel in control of your emotions. Either way, what you're feeling isn't odd or unusual.

 

[dragonofenvy]

I've recently been very tempted to start SHing again. I haven't for the past 5 years. It lets you feel something. It lets you feel some amount of control in a life that is so out of hand. I don't want to SH though despite my temptation, I'd rather find something else for it.

 

[papisprite]

Yeah same. It's so exhausting having to stop SH for other people. No one ever leaves us be.

 

[DeletedAccount0864]

I haven't done it in some time because I'm already too scarred, and it's at the point where people just look at me like a freak if I show any skin, but I miss the release it gives me :(

even my therapists they told me i was acting like this for attention and asked me "what's wrong with you."

They're full of such shit. I can't believe they don't understand why people do it and I'm sure it's just some gaslighting, common in their "profession"

 

[_Broken_alice]

We miss it too. There is really nothing stopping us as we are unfortunately alone, but it just doesn't give any relief anymore. Kind of running out of more desirable space on our thighs too. We don't like the stares we've gotten in the past cutting in more visible areas so those are off limits. We never cared for the pain, just the blood, and it was never enough. Just watching it run out of us was mesmerizing and calming in a way nothing else really is.

Sigh. We want to again but can't right now... Dr's appointment in like a week and a half and we are already scared of being committed as we can't even mask and hide how we are doing anymore.

 

[watchdog]

I miss it a lot. I haven't cut for a while now and I've been having the urge to start up again. The thing is I wanna go deeper, to the dermis at least and I haven't been able to do so at all. I've barely managed to reach the epidermis.

 

[cranberrys]

I've been wanting to start cutting again so badly, but the people around me would not react well to it and it would make everything worse. I miss the blood, I miss the calmness and relaxation I felt while doing it. I'll be alone at home tomorrow for a few hours and depending on how that goes I might finally give in.

 

[FujoshiNeet]

I have to be at a certain kind of low to sh. I still have the blades and shit but it's so embarrassing to show the scars. At least with my scars I can claim the sh is old and I have changed etc etc.