ConfusedHurting2632
Student
- Dec 22, 2021
- 116
The title says it. If I could I'd rather go back in time and stay 6 years old in kindergarten forever, but since that's literally impossible I'd rather just die, since adult life is so mundane and I now know about how cruel this world really is. I'm only 21 but I'm more than well aware enough of all the murder and rape that goes on in the world, and in my opinion good people just simply don't exist. There are just bad people and people who are less bad, but truly good people don't exist. Myself included. I'm just as bad and selfish as everyone else, if not more-so. When I was 6 I used to think everyone was a good person and wanted to be my friend...ignorance is bliss indeed.
I say 6 years old in kindergarten specifically because that's the age where I first started to remember things, and it's the age in memory I remember being the happiest. I barely remember anything from age 0 to 5, except very vague stuff...it's almost like I magically appeared in the world at age 6. So I can't properly judge memories from ages 0 to 5, since it was almost as if I didn't exist.
That's not to say being 6 years old in kindergarten was perfect sunshine and rainbows either. I actually hated it and was quite unhappy even back then. I absolutely hated kindergarten, the other kids would pick on me and tease me, I would often pee my pants in front of class, I had terrible anxiety and would often freeze up, etc. But here's the catch...I could enjoy things a lot more too. Very simple things would often make me happier than anything in the world. While I hated kindergarten itself, coming home to a single lollipop would often make my whole day, and even a $1 toy from Dollar Tree would make the happiest kid in the world. I was also able to focus in on the moment without thinking of the bigger and darker picture. Everything felt so much more magical. I absolutely loved the Teletubbies and dinosaurs. I also smiled a lot more naturally in pictures. So while I hated kindergarten itself, my enjoyment of everything outside of school made the 6 year old experience a sort of 50/50 split between good and bad.
These days, being 21 years old, however...it's just 100% bad. Basically nothing makes me happy anymore. At age 6 a single lollipop would make me the happiest kid in the world...at age 21 eating all my favorite foods at an expensive 5 star restaurant makes me feel absolutely nothing. At age 6 a $1 toy from Dollar Tree would make me the happiest kid in the world...at age 21 even a $1,000 gift like a shiny new huge television just feels so lifeless and empty. I am absolutely unable to just enjoy the moment. All I can think of all the time is how cruel the world is. All I can think of all the time is how I just want to die so I can escape from this cruel world. I also have an extremely hard time forming a genuine smile anymore. Also, nothing feels magical anymore. The Teletubbies and dinosaurs just aren't the same anymore, and it doesn't matter if I try to get into them again, no matter how hard I try. I have no idea what I once saw in the Teletubbies and dinosaurs anymore. Teletubbies is a really painful show to sit through full of baby noises and repetition, and dinosaurs just aren't interesting anymore...in fact, I find nothing interesting anymore.
If we had to mention some of the ages between 6 and 21 though...6 to 9 was 50/50 good and bad, so overall pretty good in the long run. Though I still choose age 6 overall because that's where I was closest to true innocence and blissful ignorance, and at age 7-9 I was closer to losing it...which leads me to my next point. At age 10 I started to semi-gradually lose my child-like wonder and innocence. It began tipping something like 60/40 bad and good, the 60% being the bad majority. By age 13 it had gotten even worse, and I had even developed depression for the first time. It was like 80/20 bad and good. Then by age 17...I had completely given up hope on life, and had become suicidal like I am today. It was just 100% bad like it is today. In fact, I don't think I changed much from age 17 at all. I think I just stopped developing beyond that point. The only difference is 17 year old me was still attending school (11th grade at the time, high school), while 21 year old me just lays in bed and does nothing all day. Though to be fair 17 year old me was missing lots of days of school, and I barely passed 11th grade. At age 18 I was able to graduate 12th grade/high school, just barely...and I've done nothing since. I don't plan to go to college, since high school itself was already a massive struggle for me, and college is supposed to be way harder. I also don't plan to work, since I just wanna die anyway. I don't even care if I end up homeless, I just simply wanna die, whatever it takes. Even if it's from becoming homeless and dying from starvation and dehydration. May sound ignorant or insensitive to actual homeless people, but I'm that desperate to die.
The only thing standing between me and death is finding a good, proper, successful method. I'm 21 but don't work or study at all, have zero money, live at home with my parents...and my overall access to resources is extremely limited. All I have access to is everyday household items, lots of which I already have used to try to commit suicide, but they ultimately didn't work either because they weren't good methods to begin with, I couldn't handle the pain/discomfort and chickened out, or a combination of both. If only I had access to a gun things would be so much simpler. I'd just point it at the roof of my mouth, pull the trigger, and that'd be it...but unfortunately, I don't have access to such a method. I'm really hoping I can die before I turn 22 though...or more specifically, before the date of July 20, 2023, which would be my 22nd birthday exact. That's my current deadline, as living even 1 more year seems unbearable, and I hope to not have to extend the deadline to age 23, 24, 25, 30, etc...you get the picture.
I say 6 years old in kindergarten specifically because that's the age where I first started to remember things, and it's the age in memory I remember being the happiest. I barely remember anything from age 0 to 5, except very vague stuff...it's almost like I magically appeared in the world at age 6. So I can't properly judge memories from ages 0 to 5, since it was almost as if I didn't exist.
That's not to say being 6 years old in kindergarten was perfect sunshine and rainbows either. I actually hated it and was quite unhappy even back then. I absolutely hated kindergarten, the other kids would pick on me and tease me, I would often pee my pants in front of class, I had terrible anxiety and would often freeze up, etc. But here's the catch...I could enjoy things a lot more too. Very simple things would often make me happier than anything in the world. While I hated kindergarten itself, coming home to a single lollipop would often make my whole day, and even a $1 toy from Dollar Tree would make the happiest kid in the world. I was also able to focus in on the moment without thinking of the bigger and darker picture. Everything felt so much more magical. I absolutely loved the Teletubbies and dinosaurs. I also smiled a lot more naturally in pictures. So while I hated kindergarten itself, my enjoyment of everything outside of school made the 6 year old experience a sort of 50/50 split between good and bad.
These days, being 21 years old, however...it's just 100% bad. Basically nothing makes me happy anymore. At age 6 a single lollipop would make me the happiest kid in the world...at age 21 eating all my favorite foods at an expensive 5 star restaurant makes me feel absolutely nothing. At age 6 a $1 toy from Dollar Tree would make me the happiest kid in the world...at age 21 even a $1,000 gift like a shiny new huge television just feels so lifeless and empty. I am absolutely unable to just enjoy the moment. All I can think of all the time is how cruel the world is. All I can think of all the time is how I just want to die so I can escape from this cruel world. I also have an extremely hard time forming a genuine smile anymore. Also, nothing feels magical anymore. The Teletubbies and dinosaurs just aren't the same anymore, and it doesn't matter if I try to get into them again, no matter how hard I try. I have no idea what I once saw in the Teletubbies and dinosaurs anymore. Teletubbies is a really painful show to sit through full of baby noises and repetition, and dinosaurs just aren't interesting anymore...in fact, I find nothing interesting anymore.
If we had to mention some of the ages between 6 and 21 though...6 to 9 was 50/50 good and bad, so overall pretty good in the long run. Though I still choose age 6 overall because that's where I was closest to true innocence and blissful ignorance, and at age 7-9 I was closer to losing it...which leads me to my next point. At age 10 I started to semi-gradually lose my child-like wonder and innocence. It began tipping something like 60/40 bad and good, the 60% being the bad majority. By age 13 it had gotten even worse, and I had even developed depression for the first time. It was like 80/20 bad and good. Then by age 17...I had completely given up hope on life, and had become suicidal like I am today. It was just 100% bad like it is today. In fact, I don't think I changed much from age 17 at all. I think I just stopped developing beyond that point. The only difference is 17 year old me was still attending school (11th grade at the time, high school), while 21 year old me just lays in bed and does nothing all day. Though to be fair 17 year old me was missing lots of days of school, and I barely passed 11th grade. At age 18 I was able to graduate 12th grade/high school, just barely...and I've done nothing since. I don't plan to go to college, since high school itself was already a massive struggle for me, and college is supposed to be way harder. I also don't plan to work, since I just wanna die anyway. I don't even care if I end up homeless, I just simply wanna die, whatever it takes. Even if it's from becoming homeless and dying from starvation and dehydration. May sound ignorant or insensitive to actual homeless people, but I'm that desperate to die.
The only thing standing between me and death is finding a good, proper, successful method. I'm 21 but don't work or study at all, have zero money, live at home with my parents...and my overall access to resources is extremely limited. All I have access to is everyday household items, lots of which I already have used to try to commit suicide, but they ultimately didn't work either because they weren't good methods to begin with, I couldn't handle the pain/discomfort and chickened out, or a combination of both. If only I had access to a gun things would be so much simpler. I'd just point it at the roof of my mouth, pull the trigger, and that'd be it...but unfortunately, I don't have access to such a method. I'm really hoping I can die before I turn 22 though...or more specifically, before the date of July 20, 2023, which would be my 22nd birthday exact. That's my current deadline, as living even 1 more year seems unbearable, and I hope to not have to extend the deadline to age 23, 24, 25, 30, etc...you get the picture.
