I might be going crazy

[oopswronglife]

I used to joke about some cruel god messing with me for kicks because things seem to go wrong so often. I am agnostic and don't really believe there is likely any deity or deities, but it's not impossible. It was always just a frustrated joke to vent about bad luck. But...it's just been happening more and more and so consistently it feels it simply cannot be random or observation bias.

Some examples of small things...everything I order arrives wrong or defective. It just seems statistically impossible I'd get the bad thing every time but I just expect it now and know I am going to have to return/exchange things and everything will be a struggle. They will claim to not get messages or some other issue. Another is whenever I go to cross a street a car will come just perfectly in time that I have to wait. There won't be another car as far as you can see but every single time when I am there one will appear. Neither of these are severe issues, small things as I said, but they are just two common examples of how "nothing ever works" that might be relatable to most people. There are larger, more important, life changing ones like how every medical treatment I have makes me worse, sometimes much worse and have literally ruined my life...how nobody ever delivers on a promise to me and usually takes that failure and turns it into an attack on me...how no matter how provably right or honest I am about anything I am ignored, blamed, and run over by liars and shit people and they always get away with it. It's so prolific I just say "of course" every time this happens. Why would it happen any differently? Why would anything good happen?

Now people like to say things like "if everyone around you is an asshole then YOU are the asshole" or "if things constantly go wrong in your life it must be you as you are the common denominator"...but I just cannot accept I am this asshole problem causing person who deserves or causes all of this. I know myself...and I know people who know me and are honest about people and life and have told me I am a good person and that lots of bad stuff HAS objectively happened to me...despite what narcissistic, victim blaming family likes to say to feel superior.

So after another day of a defective order for something I really needed, the customer service being dicks about it, a car causing me to wait literally all 5 times I crossed a road but no other cars as far as one could see. I just sat down and stared at the sunset thinking "This cannot be my life...it's too perfectly wrong. Everything I need goes bad. Everything I do gets derailed...there is always someone there to ensure that. Nothing works out. This HAS to be a fucking game, a joke, some VR prank where I am in some holotank in the 29th century or the pet of some god's spoiled child who he is torturing. It can't be this bad just by chance....again it's so PERFECTLY wrong....everything goes wrong in the most perfect way like it is the Truman show with people standing by to make sure I cannot succeed or don't go in the wrong door. Or...maybe I am just fucking insane and this is all me whilst I lay in restraints in a white room.

 

[mattwitt]

There's no doubt about it in my mind that there are invisible intelligent forces at work in our lives.

 

[oopswronglife]

There's no doubt about it in my mind that there are invisible intelligent forces at work in our lives.

That's disconcerting if true because something that powerful, but that cruel and malicious, means there isn't even escape by dying. I just cannot fathom how there could be a powerful being/force out there who is a giant dickhead like the worst humans are. Why? What would be the point of that? It makes no sense.

 

[imstillhungry]

Omg. I have never related to anything so much in my life! This post could have been written by me, word for word. I always say I'm cursed, and even other people notice it. EVERYTHING that can go wrong for me does. Including apendicitis and emergency surgery on my birthday, just to name one of infinite examples. No one can be this unlucky!

Something that's started happening to me recently is that every time I say I'm feeling good, I immediately fall over. It's especially weird because it's the only time I fall over.
For example, my cousin and I were crossing the road and I told her 'I actually feel ok at the moment', then immediately fell and fucked myself up pretty bad. Coincidence, you say? A couple of days later I was out with a friend and said 'I'm happy right now', and immediately fell again.

I genuinely feel like the universe is against me, or god is messing with me because he's bored, or something like that. My life is a joke. No one can be this unlucky. NO ONE

 

[BlueWidow]

I've often wondered that too. Right now it's very surreal for me because I plan to ctb in early January and, now suddenly, things seem to be going a little better for me than they have in years. I feel like the universe is making it just good enough so I will change my mind. Then the universe will start screwing me over again once I'm stuck here with no way out.

 

[Moonicide]

I've often wondered that too. Right now it's very surreal for me because I plan to ctb in early January and, now suddenly, things seem to be going a little better for me than they have in years. I feel like the universe is making it just good enough so I will change my mind. Then the universe will start screwing me over again once I'm stuck here with no way out.

Exactly the same thing happening over here. I'm just like... Is this a sick joke?
But maybe it's a good thing I'll die in a less stressful manner.

 

[mattwitt]

I've often wondered that too. Right now it's very surreal for me because I plan to ctb in early January and, now suddenly, things seem to be going a little better for me than they have in years. I feel like the universe is making it just good enough so I will change my mind. Then the universe will start screwing me over again once I'm stuck here with no way out.

I can totally relate to this. I should have killed myself at least twice since Oct 2018 but I keep getting life lines that keep me inching forward even though I know there is no long term future for me. And I worry that the longer I go on that something may happen to me that will make me regret not ending my life when I could have.

 

[Sweet emotion]

I completely understand what you mean. In my life it's anything that can give wrong will go wrong. And if I didn't have bad luck I wouldn't have no luck at all. And no it's not us. There is some evil shit going on around us that likes to Target us.

 

[avoid_slow_death]

Oh, man....this is COMPLETELY me. Except life has pulled the ultimate in cruel on myself. Throughout, life has been fairly terrible for me. Am constantly told I am intelligent and a very good person and that I just need to try harder and wait, I will be rewarded. Ha! Just when I feel like it will never get better, it does. Just enough to lift my spirits to the point where I actually become optimistic and then....BOOM! Everything comes crashing down. But this latest? Oh man, It's definitely the universe playing a very sick joke on me. I only wanted one thing out of life. It's not even something that is difficult to achieve, but it made me so incredibly happy the past few years that even though right now it is being taken from me, I consider the best years of my life. The cruelest irony? Get my face shoved in what I had constantly and worse yet, there is a "chance" it might still come back to me. I just have to wait for it for the next few years. Right. Just life fucking with me again. Longer I wait, the more painful it will become when it finally reveals itself to say, "Ha Ha! Just fucking with you! You REALLY believed in that bullshit line that the promise made will be fulfilled? Idiot! Kill yourself! Should have done it long ago fuck face! Hell, you were better off in a bin with the other discarded abortions in some clinic!" I get it universe. And soon I will do what should have been done before I was born. Discard my garbage waste of a fucking life.