Venting I met someone, but I still need to ctb.

[andromedakun]

I've been putting off k- myself until this week but recently i met someone. I wouldn't say I'm in love but it's the closest I've ever felt to feeling a sense of care and understanding for someone so deeply. He's older than me, old enough to be my dad. But he's so much like me. We're both neurodivergent. He's obsessed with cars and I'm obsessed with lighthouses. We share the same sentiment when it comes to authority and most other things too. We have the same birthday which is kind of insane. And he's the nicest and coolest person I've met. I think I just might love him.

But it hurts to think about that love when I still need to ctb. I don't know what to do. I feel so selfish knowing that I'm going to hurt him eventually. I should've known better. I don't want to use him as the only thing keeping me from ctb'ing. I don't know what to do. Does anyone have any advice?

 

[day]

I've landed myself in a similar scenario where I feel incredibly selfish for wanting to CTB. I guess it's only human to want to find compassion and love. Sorry life has brought you to the point of wanting to CTB. Wish you well OP.

 

[andromedakun]

I've landed myself in a similar scenario where I feel incredibly selfish for wanting to CTB. I guess it's only human to want to find compassion and love. Sorry life has brought you to the point of wanting to CTB. Wish you well OP.

Thank you Astrals, i wish things were simpler.

 

[ApparentlyNot]

I relate to the guilt and the feeling of selfishness. Another component to feeling bad for me is the fact that I know I should be grateful for the relationship I have. There are so many people on here who site their reason for wanting to CTB on not being able to find a partner or experience true love, and I have. I fell irrecoverably in love with a guy when I was 15. I know so many people dismiss the experience and emotions of young people, and I really can't blame them, but I knew then and there that I was truly in love and that I had found my life partner. I am now 28 and we are still together, married (for taxes and so I can be on his insurance mostly). He has supported me in every way, and I know that I offer nothing to him except being a person to get high with and have sex with (which, I have major stretches of time which make me not only disinterested in sex, but extremely adverse to it). I know that if and when I CTB that I run the risk of completely shattering his psyche and catalyzing his own suicide, but I also know that if he can manage to survive the initial pain of my passing, that his life, free of me and the suffering I bring, would be infinitely more fulfilling for him - and it may catalyze a life of true fulfillment for him - something I believe he simply cannot achieve with the burden of me...

Any advice? If you are determined to CTB and you really care for this person, it is probably best to cut him off to avoid hurting him. I have thought about leaving my husband at least 6 months before I CTB so he doesn't have as much of a shock and he could adjust during that time to life without me... However, if you believe there even a small chance that this relationship could trigger a real change in your view of the world and potentially bring you to a better place mentally, then be selfish and try it - you deserve to experience a loving relationship - it has been the greatest privilege of my life.

 

[FuneralCry]

I guess that after all only you can decide what you should do, none of us are obligated to continue existing here so it's a personal decision when to leave. But anyway best wishes, I don't think that suicide could ever really be selfish, we all have our right to die, the true selfish thing would be expecting someone to suffer against their wishes until they die anyway.

 

[Baron]

Of course it's selfish to ctb. You hurt those who care about you to gain something for yourself and yourself only. Humans are selfish, that's normal. You have every right to take your own life, because you own it. I do feel similar sometimes, as if I had not earned the right to ctb, because I haven't had a hard life like others did. But in the end it's still fine for me to kill myself, even if I didn't get raped or abused. Because it's what I want, I am selfish and that's fine.

 

[daft]

I'm in the same boat. I don't care much for my family. But my close friend, who I only met a year ago, has helped me so much and is a genuinely good person. I'm too broken to love anymore, but I care for them and appreciate their existence in my life.

They just recently lost their sibling, so hurting them so soon afterwards would be absolutely awful.

...But I'm in so much physical pain. And I've been fighting so hard for a year. Multiple different health and mental problems. Muscle pain that health professionals can't help with. Coughing up blood. Back problems, and now a hernia. Financial issues. Agoraphobia. I really have tried... But I can't hold on for much longer.

Tomorrow is the final push. However, if life refuses my attempts to move forward yet again, then I'll be voyaging into the unknown very soon.

I feel guilty. But I have to weigh the scales.

 

[fiftyfiftyclown]

I don't mean to sound like a 'pro lifer' but it could be good to put it off and experience the relationship. Why do you feel like you 'need' to?
Of course in the end it's your choice, and it doesn't matter how much it hurts someone else because you won't be here to see it. But I think it's normal that companionship might stop you from ctb.

 

[andromedakun]

I relate to the guilt and the feeling of selfishness. Another component to feeling bad for me is the fact that I know I should be grateful for the relationship I have. There are so many people on here who site their reason for wanting to CTB on not being able to find a partner or experience true love, and I have. I fell irrecoverably in love with a guy when I was 15. I know so many people dismiss the experience and emotions of young people, and I really can't blame them, but I knew then and there that I was truly in love and that I had found my life partner. I am now 28 and we are still together, married (for taxes and so I can be on his insurance mostly). He has supported me in every way, and I know that I offer nothing to him except being a person to get high with and have sex with (which, I have major stretches of time which make me not only disinterested in sex, but extremely adverse to it). I know that if and when I CTB that I run the risk of completely shattering his psyche and catalyzing his own suicide, but I also know that if he can manage to survive the initial pain of my passing, that his life, free of me and the suffering I bring, would be infinitely more fulfilling for him - and it may catalyze a life of true fulfillment for him - something I believe he simply cannot achieve with the burden of me...

Any advice? If you are determined to CTB and you really care for this person, it is probably best to cut him off to avoid hurting him. I have thought about leaving my husband at least 6 months before I CTB so he doesn't have as much of a shock and he could adjust during that time to life without me... However, if you believe there even a small chance that this relationship could trigger a real change in your view of the world and potentially bring you to a better place mentally, then be selfish and try it - you deserve to experience a loving relationship - it has been the greatest privilege of my life.

I'm in the same boat. I don't care much for my family. But my close friend, who I only met a year ago, has helped me so much and is a genuinely good person. I'm too broken to love anymore, but I care for them and appreciate their existence in my life.

They just recently lost their sibling, so hurting them so soon afterwards would be absolutely awful.

...But I'm in so much physical pain. And I've been fighting so hard for a year. Multiple different health and mental problems. Muscle pain that health professionals can't help with. Coughing up blood. Back problems, and now a hernia. Financial issues. Agoraphobia. I really have tried... But I can't hold on for much longer.

Tomorrow is the final push. However, if life refuses my attempts to move forward yet again, then I'll be voyaging into the unknown very soon.

I feel guilty. But I have to weigh the scales.

I hope you find peace my friend

I don't mean to sound like a 'pro lifer' but it could be good to put it off and experience the relationship. Why do you feel like you 'need' to?
Of course in the end it's your choice, and it doesn't matter how much it hurts someone else because you won't be here to see it. But I think it's normal that companionship might stop you from ctb.

I get what you mean. I feel like i need to because i have so many deadlines coming up that would alter my life for the worse if i dont meet them. Im just so tired and full of worry all the time and i just need it to stop. I wish the love that i feel for him was strong enough for me to want to push through all this bullshit. But I just feel so weak.

 

[fiftyfiftyclown]

I don't know your life, what deadlines you refer to, don't mean to deny your struggles - but relationships can be worth living for. It's just so rare to find someone you truly connect with and even if you feel your love isn't strong enough, another person can give you strength. I know it's corny but we're not meant to be alone after all, very few people are actually that strong or resilient on their own. Have you ever spoken about suicidal tendencies with him?

I wouldn't bother talking most people here "off the ledge" so to speak, but the way you wrote about this person (and your own interests!) in your post was so sweet and you just seem like a person who shouldn't get lost from the world prematurely.

Sure it's not healthy to make another person your entire world, speaking from experience, though I tend to do that anyways. But don't let this line of thinking ruin a good thing before it begins.
A physically healthy person (I mean, anyone who doesn't have like, Alzheimers) can just CTB at any time right? There's no need to rush.

However, if you believe there even a small chance that this relationship could trigger a real change in your view of the world and potentially bring you to a better place mentally, then be selfish and try it - you deserve to experience a loving relationship - it has been the greatest privilege of my life.

I agree with this p much^

 

[andromedakun]

I don't know your life, what deadlines you refer to, don't mean to deny your struggles - but relationships can be worth living for. It's just so rare to find someone you truly connect with and even if you feel your love isn't strong enough, another person can give you strength. I know it's corny but we're not meant to be alone after all, very few people are actually that strong or resilient on their own. Have you ever spoken about suicidal tendencies with him?

I wouldn't bother talking most people here "off the ledge" so to speak, but the way you wrote about this person (and your own interests!) in your post was so sweet and you just seem like a person who shouldn't get lost from the world prematurely.

Sure it's not healthy to make another person your entire world, speaking from experience, though I tend to do that anyways. But don't let this line of thinking ruin a good thing before it begins.
A physically healthy person (I mean, anyone who doesn't have like, Alzheimers) can just CTB at any time right? There's no need to rush.


I agree with this p much^

I guess i get what you mean. I still feel the overwhelming urge to ctb and just end suffering in general. And it feels like im sentencing this person to more pain if i decide to take things further too. i just dont want to be the cause of more of his suffering.