Story I (may have) fucked up…

[MellowAvenue]

In the summer of last year I posted on here and kinda documented me calling a suicide hotline and going to a hospital. Considering the nature of the site I'm unsure who all may remember that or wished me well that are still around, but needless to say I'm still alive.

As for my experience going through that process, it was a mixed bag. While they did not outright diagnose me with it they decided to put me on ADHD medication of all things which I found very peculiar and kept me in observation for therapy and all that. It was an interesting time and opening up about my problems did help but I think that was the biggest thing I needed, just a break from real life and someone to sit down and listen to me. I realized that my suicidal ideation was a mistake and did not take a medication I disagreed with being prescribed in the first place. It allowed me to clear my head and led to me getting in touch with family. I am streamlining this story a bit but I don't think the other details are necessary.

So as it pertains to the title of this post I'm now worried that the revelation I had about what I actually wanted to do with my life was a mistake.

I decided that I wanted to join the military. This may sound kinda odd but the military is truly something I've always wanted to do but for various reasons I kept talking myself out of it. I'm 28 now. If I'm ever going to do it I need to do it now. "Normal" jobs have never gave me much in the way of fulfillment, it feels meaningless and menial. I know some here may disagree but to me the military does mean something and does important work. I'm willing to work hard so long as I can tell myself that it matters.

I was aware that my episode could lead to me being denied however but, well, there's this saying: "No means New Opportunities, Yes means Your Enlistment Stops." It's an open secret, at least in the US, that many recruits lie and bullshit their way in. There's only so much the military can actually check and if you don't give them a reason to check they most likely won't. Get through boot camp, and you're probably clean. Getting caught at boot camp is the last thing you want to do but I was confident that I could keep up the lie because I know in my heart and in my brain I want this, it's the first time I've WANTED in a long time.

Anyway, all that said I was very much unaware of how the screening process has changed. MEPS (Basically the ones in charge of weeding out people prior to boot camp) now has this thing, GENESIS, it's a complicated program but the long and short of it is that they can now pull up your prescription history. It's not 100% perfect, estimated success rate is supposedly 75%, but the chance is still there that at some point in my recruitment process, including after MEPS and at boot camp, it could pop up that I was prescribed ADHD medication as well as other stuff non-related I may not even remember. I'm a bit torn now. My recruiter has said to just lie for now and if it comes up we'll deal with it and since he's my ticket in I kinda have to go with it I think but I also know that many of them say what they need to to get people through the door. Researching online, it seems if it comes up at or pre-MEPS it's not actually a disqualifier automatically but I would have to get documentation and a waiver application. If it isn't approved, I have to try again in 2 years because that's the magical number for when suicidal people are better I guess.

If I'm caught during boot camp though, it's basically a life changer and not for the better.

I still want to finish out this process, I will regret it forever if I don't, but am now wondering if I should go against my recruiter and come clean at MEPS. I scored very well on my PICAT and go in for a verification test soonish, then after that is the medical screening and I guess the moment of truth.

Any advice in this manner? I do want to add that, while I definitely understand it from their POV, this is just another sign of the misunderstanding and stigmatization of mental health in this country and a very ass backwards one at that. We're told to go and seek help but doing so can possibly get you robbed of opportunities that others have even if it's temporary like the flu and not permanent like losing a limb. You do what is considered to be the right thing yet still get punished for it.

 

[Smart No More]

It's great that you've moved on so well and have things you want. Nice to see some positive things here. As far as your medication history and previous suicidality I think you should go with your gut but that's all too easy for me to say. For me personally I'd feel the urge to address it early on but that's just how I am and it doesn't always serve me as well as logic would suggest. We're not always rewarded for being decent or honest. That may be the saddest thing about things these days and I totally get what you mean about ass backwards understanding of it all.

What immediately comes to mind for some reason is that, were you trying for special forces (SAS for example) they'd be more open to you I think and would respect you if you were to bring it up and be open and honest about it. Some of them have been there themselves. The main concern would be that you could be a liability to them going into a situation with a different stance on surviving. It's obvious how that could impact a team amd that's what they're all about. Close knit brothers/sisters in arms. They'd ahve concerns and put you through your paces to satisfy themselves of your state of mind. They'd be suppoetive too though. That's the big thing. How this translates to your situation I don't know. Probably not so much but as military has a certain code of conduct throughout there would likely be at least some common ground across the board.

This doesn't constitute advice, I know. Just sharing a thought your way. You're not going into a small unit of close knit squaddies just yet so maybe keeping it quiet for the moment is the right way to go, with a mind addressing it at a more opportune and appropriate moment. It must be a horrible burden to carry and that's not fair. I feel for you. I don't think it's good for you to carry that concern indefinitely. The fear of not having the opportunity you worked so hard for and deserve is one thing and then on top, carrying something that might be found out one day and make you feel bad for having not disclosed it. I think that has a bit of a corrosive (albeit slow) effect on a person. And it's clearly something on your mind. Have you discussed it in this kind of detail with the one that suggested keeping it quiet and a tackling it as and when/if it comes up?

Have to be honest I'm as uncertain as you. I just know I'd want to lay my cards on the table. Whether I would, I don't know but if I did I'd make a real effort to pick our the right person to make first contanct with on the matter as they'll have a trickle down effect on the chain of command and could make all the difference on how it plays out.

So sorry if this just adds to your confusion. I really want to have some clever magic words for you because I'm routing for you.

 

[MellowAvenue]

Have you discussed it in this kind of detail with the one that suggested keeping it quiet and a tackling it as and when/if it comes up?

Firstly thank you for the kind words. I did bring it up to them in our initial interview and then later again when I found out about GENESIS. He gave me the impression that the odds of it coming up in boot camp are low so long as I do not get severely injured, which obviously does happen but doesn't happen often, so if I get pass MEPS just be careful at camp and I should be good. Even so there's a part of me that'd rather go through the waiver process, even though it could be timely and prove to be a waste, just to make sure I'm good.

 

[Cathy Ames]

I'm concerned that a recruiter's advice to you might be geared towards their getting their quota vs. what is best for you and your future. If there is a real pathway via honesty (given your total circumstances) it seems like that would be better. What is the current age limit for enlisting? Are you bumping up against that?

Editing to to add that that I've looked it up and it looks like you've got some years if you're talking about Army/Navy/Air Force but not Marines.

 

[MellowAvenue]

I'm concerned that a recruiter's advice to you might be geared towards their getting their quota vs. what is best for you and your future. If there is a real pathway via honesty (given your total circumstances) it seems like that would be better. What is the current age limit for enlisting? Are you bumping up against that?

I had similar thoughts, especially since I know he knows once I'm through with MEPS, one way or another, it's no longer his problem. Technically he could get in trouble but that's only if they can prove he told me to lie and I don't know if they can.

For the branch I'm currently trying to get into it's 39. Technically I do have 11 years left (Really 10 since they tend to turn away people right at the limit apparently) but it's still something that's better to try and do earlier in life. In a way I'm already 10 years late. Still, I guess if they did force me to wait 2 more years I could try again and do whatever I could to prep for it in the meantime.

 

[Cathy Ames]

For the branch I'm currently trying to get into it's 39. Technically I do have 11 years left (Really 10 since they tend to turn away people right at the limit apparently) but it's still something that's better to try and do earlier in life. In a way I'm already 10 years late. Still, I guess if they did force me to wait 2 more years I could try again and do whatever I could to prep for it in the meantime.

Yeah, I totally caught your meaning with respect to wanting to get started ASAP and don't blame you for that.

 

[hungry_ghost]

If it were me.... I would probably lie, because that's exactly what I did.

When I went into the army, my recruiter was adamant that I not mention my depression if I want to join.

After I got in, went through Basic, and got to AIT, that's when I admitted to a sergeant that I was struggling, and he recommended me to a psychiatrist. They didn't threaten to kick me out or anything like that. I just went to therapy and got an anti-depressant description.

Of course, this was back in 2008. They were incredibly thirsty for bodies. They may be much more strict now.

I would assume that if you made it out of Basic, and to your designated training station, you would be free to pursue mental health help if you needed to. After all, there will be veterans there, too, and many, many of them are in therapy and on medications.

 

[Cathy Ames]

Of course, this was back in 2008. They were incredibly thirsty for bodies. They may be much more strict now.

It appears they now have the capability to access a person's insurance history, which would show hospitalizations and prescriptions for psych meds.

 

[MellowAvenue]

After I got in, went through Basic, and got to AIT, that's when I admitted to a sergeant that I was struggling, and he recommended me to a psychiatrist. They didn't threaten to kick me out or anything like that. I just went to therapy and got an anti-depressant description.

Interesting, definitely something to keep in mind, I do wonder how much is horror stories to potentially keep certain people out. I think there though it's that you admitted you were struggling in there but it sounds like you didn't admit you had struggled with it before, and it seems it was back when it was harder for them to check your history.

It appears they now have the capability to access a person's insurance history, which would show hospitalizations and prescriptions for psych meds.

Correct. They basically have you sign a form giving them the OK to view your history through this GENESIS program.

 

[Smart No More]

Firstly thank you for the kind words. I did bring it up to them in our initial interview and then later again when I found out about GENESIS. He gave me the impression that the odds of it coming up in boot camp are low so long as I do not get severely injured, which obviously does happen but doesn't happen often, so if I get pass MEPS just be careful at camp and I should be good. Even so there's a part of me that'd rather go through the waiver process, even though it could be timely and prove to be a waste, just to make sure I'm good.

Yeah, that's what I'd feel too. Rather than get tripped up by it in a messy fashion later down the line acter investing so much into it. I think, if you're inclined to do it maybe you should and just pick your timing and confidante tactfully and carefully. I would hope your vonesty would go in your favour. Maybe if you put in some effort through the upcoming process. Get seen for your efforts and attribute showing yourself of worth and making them more inclined to put further faith and time into you.

 

[greencondo]

Recruiter has an agenda, saying what he needs to say to get you in the door. That is his priority and job. Your well being after that is not his job. He is a salesman, no matter what they might say to the contrary.

No advice either way, but just keep that in mind.

It's good that you are reading up and asking around.
It's also very understandable that you want to be apart of something that you feel matters. Just know that if it doesnt work out for any reason, there is still hope since you felt this want once,..there are other ways to do things that matter.

All the best and good luck either way.

oh, I meant to also say..you didn't fuck up.

You did the responsible thing and made sure you didn't hurt someone or hurt yourself in way that would of made things much worse for you. It's also a brave thing to do.

Mental health and check ups should be as routine for everyone as the physical. Metal health should be first but far to long its been considered last, if at all.
You should of had more options then just the emergency hospital stay that you had. I think its too bad that things like mental "retreats" are few and far between and usually only available for the more wealthy
I have pleasantly surprised at how some therapist have specialists and approaches that vary from when I was younger, but its still fewer and farther between then it should be.

Public opinion is starting to change on this and seeing the worth of metal health care.