Venting I made my mom cry

[Nolye]

Hi everyone! Long, long time lurker, first time poster.

I'm a 29 years old woman with no job (never had one thanks to my anxiety), no friends, no SO and I still live with my parents. I'm basically a leech. When I was 14 I was diagnosed with anxiety, social anxiety and depression. When I was 15 I tried to ctb (plastic bag over my head), but it didn't work. The therapist I was seeing at the time kept telling me that, "It will get better, I promise". I've been waiting ever since.

My parents are the most loving, understanding, caring people in the world. They are the only reason I haven't given up yet.

Yesterday, however, they told they were worried about my future. They're worried what will happen when they get old, who will provide for me once they're gone. They're right, of course. That's when my mom started to cry. She blames herself for the way she raised me (I'm scared of everything), told me she is a failure as a parent, that she feels like she killed me and deprived me of my future. She feels guilty and hopeless. All because of me, and I feel like complete shit.

I truly believe they will better off without me. I prefer to give them 2-5 years of pain now (I want to ctb) than 30 more years of worry, doubt and God knows what else. I also can't live like this anymore, my anxiety and depression are killing me, and the thought of going on like this for another 50/60 years is maddening.

Thank you for sticking with me until the end of the post :]

 

[terry_a_davis]

Hi
Your parents sound great. I have the perfect mother and I've still failed at life, it's not her fault. There has been no discussion about it like what you've had, you could try to reassure her that great parenting doesn't guarantee being a 'success' at life. Tell her you love her she is a great mother.

I'm not sure they'd be better off without you. You may end up looking after them if/when they get frail in old age. It sounds like they really care for you and would be devastated if you killed yourself, same as my mother would be over me. How bad is your suffering? Does ending it justify the pain you will cause your parents? I'm afraid of complete loneliness and will probably ctb after my mother has died.

 

[lululoo]

Please don't feel bad about your mom crying. To me it seems natural that a parent feel guilt if her child has failed to build a happy life. Mine feel zero guilt even though they are not "loving, understanding, and caring."

I would say though that if there are any less common mental health treatments you haven't tried and can afford (psychedelics? TMS? MAOIs?), you may want to give them a go before killing yourself. At best it could help, and at worst it could alleviate your guilt about hurting your parents, because you would have tried everything.

I'm sorry you had such a painful conversation with your parents.

 

[Cloudy]

Maybe it's a silly question, but is there no chance you could go on some disability allowance if you are unable to work? Maybe that would help feeling less guilty about relying on your parents for everything.

 

[oneside]

It's normal when parents blame themselves, but you should know that you aren't a failure, and I don't believe they have raised you wrong.

My experience in life was the opposite, I lived an independent life and I belived that if I could do things right, I could succeed in this world. But I was very mistaken. Society is really something to be scared of, because most of people are heartless and selfish, they don't care about you, they only care about what they can get from you. I was so brave to fight for my future once, now I'm so scared as you.

Anyway, your parents say that based on their own view about our society — maybe life wasn't so harsh to them ? —. All I know is that the world is a mess, and everyone can get scared when they are able to see that. So, once more, you are not a failure, you are just a sensitive person.

 

[intheweeds]

Your situation is extremely similar to mine. I'm a few years older and have never been able to hold down a job due to my extreme social anxiety.

I don't know what country you live in but if you're in the US you'd likely be eligible for SSI payments. That's what I've been receiving since 2014.

It may be worth looking into. If you have any questions regarding it feel free to PM me!

 

[Nolye]

Hi
Your parents sound great. I have the perfect mother and I've still failed at life, it's not her fault. There has been no discussion about it like what you've had, you could try to reassure her that great parenting doesn't guarantee being a 'success' at life. Tell her you love her she is a great mother.

I'm not sure they'd be better off without you. You may end up looking after them if/when they get frail in old age. It sounds like they really care for you and would be devastated if you killed yourself, same as my mother would be over me. How bad is your suffering? Does ending it justify the pain you will cause your parents? I'm afraid of complete loneliness and will probably ctb after my mother has died.

Thank you for your answer.

I did tell her that she's great, that she did everything she could, that it's not her fault, but she doesn't believe me. She thinks that she should have love me "less" and in a more healthy way (she's always been a little overprotective). I love them, I really do, and I initially wanted to ctb after their deaths because, like you, I'm afraid of being alone, but I'm not sure I can keep doing this.

Your mom sounds like a caring person, I bet she's glad to have a child like you.

Please don't feel bad about your mom crying. To me it seems natural that a parent feel guilt if her child has failed to build a happy life. Mine feel zero guilt even though they are not "loving, understanding, and caring."

I would say though that if there are any less common mental health treatments you haven't tried and can afford (psychedelics? TMS? MAOIs?), you may want to give them a go before killing yourself. At best it could help, and at worst it could alleviate your guilt about hurting your parents, because you would have tried everything.

I'm sorry you had such a painful conversation with your parents.

Thank you, and I'm sorry your parents are like that. I had to look up the treatments you mentioned (I'm Italian) and unfortunatly TMS is very expensive (2000/4000 euros) and MAOIs can only be prescribed by psychiatrists (can't afford one). I'm not sure about psychedelics, however. I might look into it.

Maybe it's a silly question, but is there no chance you could go on some disability allowance if you are unable to work? Maybe that would help feeling less guilty about relying on your parents for everything.

Not a silly question at all. I tried to apply for one, but in Italy you need to be at least 80% mentally disabled to have it (I "ranked" around 65%), not have someone who can take care of you (my parents) and at least 5 years worth of social security contributions, I think that's how you call them in English (and I never worked).

It's normal when parents blame themselves, but you should know that you aren't a failure, and I don't believe they have raised you wrong.

My experience in life was the opposite, I lived an independent life and I belived that if I could do things right, I could succeed in this world. But I was very mistaken. Society is really something to be scared of, because most of people are heartless and selfish, they don't care about you, they only care about what they can get from you. I was so brave to fight for my future once, now I'm so scared as you.

Anyway, your parents say that based on their own view about our society — maybe life wasn't so harsh to them ? —. All I know is that the world is a mess, and everyone can get scared when they are able to see that. So, once more, you are not a failure, you are just a sensitive person.

Thank you for your kind words. You said that you were mistaken, may I ask why? An indipendent life sounds great, and it seems you were brave enough to have one.

My parents did not have an easy life, unfortunatly. They both started to work at 15 years old, and while my dad was able to work his way up, my mom was severely injured at work (she can't physically work anymore), got stabbed in the back by her colleagues and her employer refused to give her any sort of compensation.

Your situation is extremely similar to mine. I'm a few years older and have never been able to hold down a job due to my extreme social anxiety.

I don't know what country you live in but if you're in the US you'd likely be eligible for SSI payments. That's what I've been receiving since 2014.

It may be worth looking into. If you have any questions regarding it feel free to PM me!

I know it sounds bad to say, but I'm relieved someone else out there is going through what I'm feeling. Unfortunatly, I'm Italian, and as I said above, I need very specific conditions to apply for any sort of financial help. Thank you for taking your time to answer, I hope you are doing a little better.

 

[oneside]

I'm sure your parents just want a good future for you then, maybe they just can't understand what you feel and think yet.

By the way, I said I was mistaken because although I could get my independent life, I couldn't succeed in my career and find my happiness. I couldn't live my life the way I wanted, even struggling too much.

 

[Cloudy]

I had to look up the treatments you mentioned (I'm Italian) and unfortunatly TMS is very expensive (2000/4000 euros) and MAOIs can only be prescribed by psychiatrists (can't afford one). I'm not sure about psychedelics, however. I might look into it.

Not a silly question at all. I tried to apply for one, but in Italy you need to be at least 80% mentally disabled to have it (I "ranked" around 65%), not have someone who can take care of you (my parents) and at least 5 years worth of social security contributions, I think that's how you call them in English (and I never worked).

Thank you for your kind words. You said that you were mistaken, may I ask why? An indipendent life sounds great, and it seems you were brave enough to have one.

My parents did not have an easy life, unfortunatly. They both started to work at 15 years old, and while my dad was able to work his way up, my mom was severely injured at work (she can't physically work anymore), got stabbed in the back by her colleagues and her employer refused to give her any sort of compensation.


I know it sounds bad to say, but I'm relieved someone else out there is going through what I'm feeling. Unfortunatly, I'm Italian, and as I said above, I need very specific conditions to apply for any sort of financial help. Thank you for taking your time to answer, I hope you are doing a little better.

Oh, I'm Italian too! And tbh in a very similar situation: I have never worked in Italy (I used to live in the UK and I worked there somehow) and, since I got back after a series of breakdowns a few years ago, I have had to rely completely on my parents (and I'm 34, but I feel like an awkward 12 yo most of the times). Thanks for explaining how it works for disability here...I only know about the welfare system in the UK through people I knew back there who were on disability.
Not sure if you have had a chance to try yet, but you can see a psychiatrist through the public health system here. You need to get a referral from your GP (general practitioner, your "general public" doctor) and there are really long waiting times, but it's possible. Where are you based if you don't mind me asking?

 

[Nolye]

I'm sure your parents just want a good future for you then, maybe they just can't understand what you feel and think yet.

By the way, I said I was mistaken because although I could get my independent life, I couldn't succeed in my career and find my happiness. I couldn't live my life the way I wanted, even struggling too much.

I'm sorry that happened to you, it must have been crushing working so hard and then not achieving what you hoped for.

I know my parents want the best for me, but I realized long ago that I'm not cut out for life. And I'm okay with that, not everyone can be. At his point, I just want the pain to stop.

Oh, I'm Italian too! And tbh in a very similar situation: I have never worked in Italy (I used to live in the UK and I worked there somehow) and, since I got back after a series of breakdowns a few years ago, I have had to rely completely on my parents (and I'm 34, but I feel like an awkward 12 yo most of the times). Thanks for explaining how it works for disability here...I only know about the welfare system in the UK through people I knew back there who were on disability.
Not sure if you have had a chance to try yet, but you can see a psychiatrist through the public health system here. You need to get a referral from your GP (general practitioner, your "general public" doctor) and there are really long waiting times, but it's possible. Where are you based if you don't mind me asking?

A fellow Italian? Ciao!

I feel you about the "awkward 12 yo", it feels like my body is growing old but everything else is still 6. And you're welcome about me explaining how disability works, if you have questions, feel free to ask. I know the public health system here offers counseling through the hopital (or ASL), but only the first session is free, then I have to pay 35/40 euros for eight meetings with the doctor (and I had to wait three months because I was not an urgent case).

I don't mind you asking :] I live in Northen Italy, Veneto, to be precise.

 

[Cloudy]

I'm sorry that happened to you, it must have been crushing working so hard and then not achieving what you hoped for.

I know my parents want the best for me, but I realized long ago that I'm not cut out for life. And I'm okay with that, not everyone can be. At his point, I just want the pain to stop.

A fellow Italian? Ciao!

I feel you about the "awkward 12 yo", it feels like my body is growing old but everything else is still 6. And you're welcome about me explaining how disability works, if you have questions, feel free to ask. I know the public health system here offers counseling through the hopital (or ASL), but only the first session is free, then I have to pay 35/40 euros for eight meetings with the doctor (and I had to wait three months because I was not an urgent case).

I don't mind you asking :] I live in Northen Italy, Veneto, to be precise.

Ciao! I'm sorry you feel similarly, it's really odd, isn't it? It's rubbish that you had to wait so long :( On the bright side 35/40 euros for 8 meetings isn't a lot and it seems like your parents really care for you, but I don't know their financial situation, was it not affordable enough? Aside from counseling, you're also able to get a referral for a psychiatric assessment from your GP...I mean, you have been diagnosed with anxiety, social anxiety and depression, you have already attempted suicide and you are in a forum about suicide right now, so I imagine you might be a more urgent case than they seem to think. I'm not saying that medications are going to solve everything, but they might help alongside the counseling and it's worth a shot

 

[Nolye]

Ciao! I'm sorry you feel similarly, it's really odd, isn't it? It's rubbish that you had to wait so long :( On the bright side 35/40 euros for 8 meetings isn't a lot and it seems like your parents really care for you, but I don't know their financial situation, was it not affordable enough? Aside from counseling, you're also able to get a referral for a psychiatric assessment from your GP...I mean, you have been diagnosed with anxiety, social anxiety and depression, you have already attempted suicide and you are in a forum about suicide right now, so I imagine you might be a more urgent case than they seem to think. I'm not saying that medications are going to solve everything, but they might help alongside the counseling and it's worth a shot

It is odd, but also comforting to know other people are in the same situation. Before finding this forum, I just thought I was insane. Unfortunatly, only my dad works, so money is pretty tight. I should have clarified that no one knows about my attempt when I was 15. My SI kicked in and I tore off the bag.

Thank you for taking your time to talk to me, it means a lot :]

 

[Suez]

Hi everyone! Long, long time lurker, first time poster.

I'm a 29 years old woman with no job (never had one thanks to my anxiety), no friends, no SO and I still live with my parents. I'm basically a leech. When I was 14 I was diagnosed with anxiety, social anxiety and depression. When I was 15 I tried to ctb (plastic bag over my head), but it didn't work. The therapist I was seeing at the time kept telling me that, "It will get better, I promise". I've been waiting ever since.

My parents are the most loving, understanding, caring people in the world. They are the only reason I haven't given up yet.

Yesterday, however, they told they were worried about my future. They're worried what will happen when they get old, who will provide for me once they're gone. They're right, of course. That's when my mom started to cry. She blames herself for the way she raised me (I'm scared of everything), told me she is a failure as a parent, that she feels like she killed me and deprived me of my future. She feels guilty and hopeless. All because of me, and I feel like complete shit.

I truly believe they will better off without me. I prefer to give them 2-5 years of pain now (I want to ctb) than 30 more years of worry, doubt and God knows what else. I also can't live like this anymore, my anxiety and depression are killing me, and the thought of going on like this for another 50/60 years is maddening.

Thank you for sticking with me until the end of the post :]

Your mum sounds very much like mine. Thats what mums do when they see their daughter in pain, hurting and afraid, they cry. Parents always blame themselves, it because their your parents and thats what parents do. Unfortunately no matter what you say you cannot stop them from blaming themselves for how you feel or how your life has tuned out because as much as you try, it just will not happen. I tried this for many many years until my mum passed recently and Im 52 yrs old. So you can keep trying for a few more decades like me, but it would not change a thing. Your mum unconditionally loves you and that is the most amazing kind of love a mum can have for a daughter. The hard thing is that when you are going through pain and your life is one of anxiety or fear, or both as it seems yours is and you talk about this with your parents, they take this pain on themselves. Its not what you meant to have happen but inevitably its what happens. Its hard not to feel guilty as the daughter, as you watch your mum cry and not feel like you were responsible for those tears.
I caused alot of angst over the years for my mum from the time I was in my teens through to my late twenties. From mental health problems, drug addiction, drug rehabs,gangs, criminal behaviour leading to youth prison and eventually adult prison, hospital for drug ODs and getting put on life support when you tried to kill yourself, prostitution, rapes etc etc My mum went through hell with me but she never ever stopped loving me. She came to visit me in hospital, she visited me in prison, she visited me in rehab, she visited me in Psych hospitals etc etc She was always there for me cos thats what mums like mine and yours are like. And yes she was the only reason that i continued on with life even though i wanted to end it so so many times. I decided I couldnt do it to her. I couldnt kill myself while she was still alive. Partly that decision was made because as she got older who would have been there to look after her? I didnt want her to be alone, I couldnt let that happen. A few years ago my mum was diagnosed with terminal cancer, so I moved in with her and nursed her through to the end and it was possibly the most beautiful thing i have ever experienced with my mum in many ways. Its hard to explain. But I know I could never have CTB before her and having nursed her through to her passing made that decision even more clear in my head. Idk whether this helps or hinders in making a decision about when to CTB, but I just know for me to CTB was something i think i though about nearly every day of my life from when i was very young.

 

[Nolye]

Your mum sounds very much like mine. Thats what mums do when they see their daughter in pain, hurting and afraid, they cry. Parents always blame themselves, it because their your parents and thats what parents do. Unfortunately no matter what you say you cannot stop them from blaming themselves for how you feel or how your life has tuned out because as much as you try, it just will not happen. I tried this for many many years until my mum passed recently and Im 52 yrs old. So you can keep trying for a few more decades like me, but it would not change a thing. Your mum unconditionally loves you and that is the most amazing kind of love a mum can have for a daughter. The hard thing is that when you are going through pain and your life is one of anxiety or fear, or both as it seems yours is and you talk about this with your parents, they take this pain on themselves. Its not what you meant to have happen but inevitably its what happens. Its hard not to feel guilty as the daughter, as you watch your mum cry and not feel like you were responsible for those tears.
I caused alot of angst over the years for my mum from the time I was in my teens through to my late twenties. From mental health problems, drug addiction, drug rehabs,gangs, criminal behaviour leading to youth prison and eventually adult prison, hospital for drug ODs and getting put on life support when you tried to kill yourself, prostitution, rapes etc etc My mum went through hell with me but she never ever stopped loving me. She came to visit me in hospital, she visited me in prison, she visited me in rehab, she visited me in Psych hospitals etc etc She was always there for me cos thats what mums like mine and yours are like. And yes she was the only reason that i continued on with life even though i wanted to end it so so many times. I decided I couldnt do it to her. I couldnt kill myself while she was still alive. Partly that decision was made because as she got older who would have been there to look after her? I didnt want her to be alone, I couldnt let that happen. A few years ago my mum was diagnosed with terminal cancer, so I moved in with her and nursed her through to the end and it was possibly the most beautiful thing i have ever experienced with my mum in many ways. Its hard to explain. But I know I could never have CTB before her and having nursed her through to her passing made that decision even more clear in my head. Idk whether this helps or hinders in making a decision about when to CTB, but I just know for me to CTB was something i think i though about nearly every day of my life from when i was very young.

This genuinely made me cry. I'm sorry you went through hell and back, and I'm very sorry for your loss. I can't even image what it's like to loose a parent, one you clearly love(d) very much. And you're 100% right about everything. I originally (like you) wanted to ctb after my parents deaths, when I was sure I wasn't hurting anyone, but I don't know if that's possible anymore. The guilt is more painful than anything else, I hate watch them be hurt knowing I'm the reason.

If it means anything, I think you did everything you could and I'm sure your mom appreciated it. You were strong enough to put her before your own pain, and that's not a simple thing to do. Thank you.

 

[Suez]

This genuinely made me cry. I'm sorry you went through hell and back, and I'm very sorry for your loss. I can't even image what it's like to loose a parent, one you clearly love(d) very much. And you're 100% right about everything. I originally (like you) wanted to ctb after my parents deaths, when I was sure I wasn't hurting anyone, but I don't know if that's possible anymore. The guilt is more painful than anything else, I hate watch them be hurt knowing I'm the reason.

If it means anything, I think you did everything you could and I'm sure your mom appreciated it. You were strong enough to put her before your own pain, and that's not a simple thing to do. Thank you.

Yeh I know she appreciated me being there for her to the end. She always told me, but it was also nice when i heard from other people that mum had told them that she could not have imagined what she would have done without me when she was going through her last months. That was so nice to hear that I made her feel really comfortable and made her feel so loved, because she was more than even she could have imagined. Thankyou for your kind words too. I miss her terribly every day and every day without her is a struggle. My love for her was much much stronger than it was for myself so it was very easy for me to put her before myself, or her before my own pain as you said. I would have done that a thousand times over for her. If I could have taken that cancer from her and given it to myself i would gladly and very willingly have taken it and relished the fact that i took it so she didnt have to have it. That would have made me the happiest person in the world. Thats how much she meant to me.