Venting I made a mistake

[nonentity]

This sucks. I made a mistake.

I recently started talking to one of my paramour V's friends. N was very sweet to me, and supportive. He wound up talking to me when I was sad that V wasn't talking to me. He's been very distant as of late. I feel like he doesn't love me anymore. Maybe he never did.

N tells me that V is known for being a cheater. V cheated on his girlfriend before me, and now he's cheating on his girlfriend with me. N obviously doesn't know V and I are (sexually) seeing each other. It would be a nightmare.

But. N was really nice. And supportive. Like I said before. It was sudden, and quick and I wasn't thinking but N really got me to open up quick and I made a mistake.

I was having a bad episode while talking to N, and talked about how I was going to catch the bus this year and how it was a shame that I had met him now during this time in my life. He was trying to be understanding, but god I was so stubborn and in such a bad place. It's true, though. I'm determined to make this my last year alive.

I snapped out of it when I realized, "holy shit. I just started talking to this guy. And I dumped all of this nonsense on him. I'm an asshole." And apologized profusely. He said it was okay.

But then we started talking about sexual things. Which, mind you I was vulnerable. I feel stupid. Gross. I was manic. Still am, can't sleep. But. I messed up.

Because now. I'm cheating on my husband with V. And I accidentally cheated on V with N. I hate this. I hate all of this. I'm an idiot. I'm so happy that I don't have to worry about all of this soon. I'm just trying to still tie things up before I go.

7 more months to go then I'm free.

Cheers.

 

[Aisley]

You really fucked up, didn't you? You know what this looks like from way over here? Self destructive behavior. The kind of stuff I did when I was young, and I kind of wonder if maybe you married too young, and didn't get a chance to fuck up in big ways when you were free to do so.
Do you think n will keep his mouth shut? Christ you got a lot of moving parts here. You're supposed to go out of town to do this kind of shit, you know? "The Business Meeting."
Here's a thought- just a thought, why not divorce your man and do whatever you want? Fuck the expiration timeline and just cut loose? That's an option it seems you're overlooking. Not that I know ... anything at all about anything. I wish you the best. And some cool, quiet clarity.

 

[nonentity]

You really fucked up, didn't you? You know what this looks like from way over here? Self destructive behavior. The kind of stuff I did when I was young, and I kind of wonder if maybe you married too young, and didn't get a chance to fuck up in big ways when you were free to do so.
Do you think n will keep his mouth shut? Christ you got a lot of moving parts here. You're supposed to go out of town to do this kind of shit, you know? "The Business Meeting."
Here's a thought- just a thought, why not divorce your man and do whatever you want? Fuck the expiration timeline and just cut loose? That's an option it seems you're overlooking. Not that I know ... anything at all about anything. I wish you the best. And some cool, quiet clarity.

I suppose I should mention that this is all purely a long distance thing. There is no "business meeting" - I do believe I married too young, and I never got the chance to really do any sort of "fuck ups" since I was only in abusive relationships for pretty much my entire life. My husband was the only one who was nice to me, and I do love him. As for being too young, though, there is a way to think about this - we are not the same person we were years ago. I may have been ready for marriage then, but now I feel trapped.

And yes. I understand that I "really fucked up." This entire thing is a fuck up but I'm in too deep. N won't tell V because it would fuck him over too. N and V don't get along very well, but they're "friends."

The timeline is because I want to make sure everything is tied up before I go. Stupid? Maybe. I know everyone's going to be upset when I'm gone so it doesn't really matter in the end. I have roommates to think about too, so rent is one of the things I'm working on right now.

It's a complicated situation, yes. I do have a lot of other things going on in my life as this is not the only thing that's making me want to expire. This was just a vent, and nothing more.