Venting I´m so fucking done.

[takeyourshotfunboy]

I feel like an attention whore writing this because I know I won´t CTB until at least a few months ago. But I just need to rant. I hate myself. I hate my body. I hate my college. I hate my parents. I hate my therapist. I hate my life. I´m so angry right now, I just want to punch something. Nobody gets it. My parents think I´m doing this for attention. I have no friends. Even my therapist just spouts positive bullshit at me like they´re Oprah. They think I can just wave a magic wand and make all my problems go away. It doesn´t work like that. I lash out at the people I love and I hate it. I´m just so angry at the world and myself.

 

[Nem]

I hear you! Holy crap I am just diminished to the point of barely existing
Peace/hugs

 

[BlueWidow]

I feel like an attention whore writing this because I know I won´t CTB until at least a few months ago. But I just need to rant. I hate myself. I hate my body. I hate my college. I hate my parents. I hate my therapist. I hate my life. I´m so angry right now, I just want to punch something. Nobody gets it. My parents think I´m doing this for attention. I have no friends. Even my therapist just spouts positive bullshit at me like I´m Oprah. They think I can just wave a magic wand and make all my problems go away. It doesn´t work like that. I lash out at the people I love and I hate it. I´m just so angry at the world and myself.

I totally understand what you're saying. People claim you're doing it for attention, they think they can throw a pill at you and tell you to get therapy and you'll be magically fixed.
Whether they realize it or not, all those type of comments do is dismiss what you're feeling and make you even more upset. People just want an easy fix for everything. Then when their easy fix doesn't work, they turn it around on you and try to claim that, as you say, you're doing it for attention. Or, you must WANT to feel bad. Yeah, thanks a lot!
I enjoy struggling to get out of bed every day and feeling like shit all the time!
It makes you wish you could force them to walk in your shoes for just 24 hours.
I dare any of these do Gooder pro lifers to walk in any of our shoes for 24 hours and still claim they don't want to ctb!

 

[Sweet emotion]

This is the place to tell us your inner most thoughts. So don't feel like an attention whore. Do you know how many times I've cried to the people on this site? And they were beyond wonderful to me. I understand how you feel. I'm physically sick with a rare nerve disease that there is no help or cure for. I'm worthless. I'm 34 and got it at 20. It's called complex regional pain syndrome and it's the highest ranking pain condition in medical history. It's also known as the suicide disease because the pain is non stop. It's relentless and it's not like normal pain. People actually get their limbs removed to try and get relief. I've been in my house for 14 years...over that, only leaving to go to hospital stays and doctors. So I'm very angry too. My temper has gotten out of control. The fights between my mother and I have gotten physical. She takes care of me and we live in a very small apartment. Life is just hell. This disease has made me start to hate myself. The stress makes my OCD even worse. But it stop my life from me. It's taken everything away from me. A chance at finding love, having a career, travelling, every wonderful thing that life has to hold. Friends and family. So I understand your anger. Our anger just comes from Teo different directions. One thing that helps me is journaling. I know it sounds corny and I can't do it anymore because someone really hurt my wrist and arm during an argument, well my mom did and it has caused our relationship to just crumble. It's been over three weeks and it hasn't gone away and I know how I am and I will never be able to forgive her for this. You don't hurt someone who is physically sick with a painful nerve disease. I just want you to know I understand all the hate.

I totally understand what you're saying. People claim you're doing it for attention, they think they can throw a pill at you and tell you to get therapy and you'll be magically fixed.
Whether they realize it or not, all those type of comments do is dismiss what you're feeling and make you even more upset. People just want an easy fix for everything. Then when their easy fix doesn't work, they turn it around on you and try to claim that, as you say, you're doing it for attention. Or, you must WANT to feel bad. Yeah, thanks a lot!
I enjoy struggling to get out of bed every day and feeling like shit all the time!
It makes you wish you could force them to walk in your shoes for just 24 hours.
I dare any of these do Gooder pro lifers to walk in any of our shoes for 24 hours and still claim they don't want to ctb!

I couldn't agree more with you when you say when a doctor can't help you they turn everything around on you. I've had that done to me and I told my doctor off not caring if he dropped me as a pain management patient or not. I'd just have to kill myself a little earlier. But I will no longer leave a doctor's office in more pain than I've gone in.

 

[BlueWidow]

This is the place to tell us your inner most thoughts. So don't feel like an attention whore. Do you know how many times I've cried to the people on this site? And they were beyond wonderful to me. I understand how you feel. I'm physically sick with a rare nerve disease that there is no help or cure for. I'm worthless. I'm 34 and got it at 20. It's called complex regional pain syndrome and it's the highest ranking pain condition in medical history. It's also known as the suicide disease because the pain is non stop. It's relentless and it's not like normal pain. People actually get their limbs removed to try and get relief. I've been in my house for 14 years...over that, only leaving to go to hospital stays and doctors. So I'm very angry too. My temper has gotten out of control. The fights between my mother and I have gotten physical. She takes care of me and we live in a very small apartment. Life is just hell. This disease has made me start to hate myself. The stress makes my OCD even worse. But it stop my life from me. It's taken everything away from me. A chance at finding love, having a career, travelling, every wonderful thing that life has to hold. Friends and family. So I understand your anger. Our anger just comes from Teo different directions. One thing that helps me is journaling. I know it sounds corny and I can't do it anymore because someone really hurt my wrist and arm during an argument, well my mom did and it has caused our relationship to just crumble. It's been over three weeks and it hasn't gone away and I know how I am and I will never be able to forgive her for this. You don't hurt someone who is physically sick with a painful nerve disease. I just want you to know I understand all the hate.

I've heard you tell your story several times and each time it just leaves me awed & speechless how you find the strength to continue to go on.
I can't imagine what it must be like having such a horrible painful disease for such a long time. Every time I hear you tell the story and talk about how your mother hurt you, I just want to reach through the computer screen and give you a hug, but I suppose that might also hurt you.
I keep trying to imagine what it must be like for you and I just can't even begin to fathom it. It just seems extremely unfair.
I completely understand why you're so angry.
I'm sorry that you're not even able to journal anymore. I'm glad you at least have this site as an outlet.

 

[FTL.Wanderer]

Even my therapist just spouts positive bullshit at me like they´re Oprah.

Terrific line. Yeah, that's what even other suicidal people can do when they feel, otherwise, powerless. Spout platitudes. And there's nothing you can say to them because then your "negativity" is proof you're "ill." I was watching a show a few nights ago. One man who'd returned from a gruesome war said to another younger man just back from war, "Never tell them. They'll never understand. It'll only hurt you." Therapy... helps some people--at least I take others' word for it. But there's no helping a perspective or a taste. And some of us just strongly dislike the nature of life...

I wish I could help. If you ever just want to talk or for someone only to listen, please PM me.

 

[Sweet emotion]

I've heard you tell your story several times and each time it just leaves me awed & speechless how you find the strength to continue to go on.
I can't imagine what it must be like having such a horrible painful disease for such a long time. Every time I hear you tell the story and talk about how your mother hurt you, I just want to reach through the computer screen and give you a hug, but I suppose that might also hurt you.
I keep trying to imagine what it must be like for you and I just can't even begin to fathom it. It just seems extremely unfair.
I completely understand why you're so angry.
I'm sorry that you're not even able to journal anymore. I'm glad you at least have this site as an outlet.

You are too sweet. It hurt like hell to type to everyone but I feel like you guys are my second family. And I need to stay connected with you guys. I'd love to give you a hug. I'd have to bug you though and you'd have to be absolutely still and not talk. Oh sweetie I appreciate you thinking of me. I read all your posts as well. It's just hard for me to hold my tablet and type ever since what my mother did to me. We are talking now but nothing deep. I have tried to talk about my feelings to her but she isn't capable of talking about feelings. And it got to a point where I just said screw it. It scares me that I can't forgive her for this and she understands but I don't want to die having hate in my heart for her because she's been the most amazing mother in the world. She really has. She's gone above and beyond for me. We have had a lot of stress over these 14 years. My dad died. My grandmother died. My grandfather can't remember anything or understand much anymore and he comes over every day for dinner and my mom can't take it. I can't blame her. But he will always be a king in my eyes because he's treated me more like a daughter than my father did and he has been with me every step of the way. He just turned 86. Idk what the hell to do anymore.

 

[BlueWidow]

Terrific line. Yeah, that's what even other suicidal people can do when they feel, otherwise, powerless. Spout platitudes. And there's nothing you can say to them because then your "negativity" is proof you're "ill." I was watching a show a few nights ago. One man who'd returned from a gruesome war said to another younger man just back from war, "Never tell them. They'll never understand. It'll only hurt you." Therapy... helps some people--at least I take others' word for it. But there's no helping a perspective or a taste. And some of us just strongly dislike the nature of life...

I wish I could help. If you ever just want to talk or for someone only to listen, please PM me.

I don't know why, but your post has just triggered a memory that I had completely forgotten about. I think it was the part where you said even other suicidal people can spout these platitudes.
When I was 13, one of the first times I was put in the psych ward, we had this thing every day where we had to rate the other people on the ward. There were four ratings and they were based on your mood and your sex.
The males were either rated a "Gloomy Gus" or a "Happy Harry" and the women were rated either a "Negative Nancy" or a "Sunny Sara".
Then they had these cut out drawings of each of the characters and, depending on which one you were rated that day, you had to take one of the cut outs and paste it on the outside of your door so that everybody else knew what kind of a mood you were in that day. I'm still not sure how that was supposed to help any of us.
The point is, I literally hadn't thought about that in 37 years and for some reason your post just brought that memory back.
Strange how the brain works, huh?

 

[FTL.Wanderer]

The point is, I literally hadn't thought about that in 37 years and for some reason your post just brought that memory back.

I bet we could talk for hours about how questionable many psych interventions are. I hope there was some good to the memory...

 

[BlueWidow]

You are too sweet. It hurt like hell to type to everyone but I feel like you guys are my second family. And I need to stay connected with you guys. I'd love to give you a hug. I'd have to bug you though and you'd have to be absolutely still and not talk. Oh sweetie I appreciate you thinking of me. I read all your posts as well. It's just hard for me to hold my tablet and type ever since what my mother did to me. We are talking now but nothing deep. I have tried to talk about my feelings to her but she isn't capable of talking about feelings. And it got to a point where I just said screw it. It scares me that I can't forgive her for this and she understands but I don't want to die having hate in my heart for her because she's been the most amazing mother in the world. She really has. She's gone above and beyond for me. We have had a lot of stress over these 14 years. My dad died. My grandmother died. My grandfather can't remember anything or understand much anymore and he comes over every day for dinner and my mom can't take it. I can't blame her. But he will always be a king in my eyes because he's treated me more like a daughter than my father did and he has been with me every step of the way. He just turned 86. Idk what the hell to do anymore.

I didn't even consider how hard typing must be for you. It's too bad you can't get some kind of a voice activated dictation device so that you could speak into it and it would type the words out for you.
It sounds like you and your mother have been through quite a lot together. I can understand you not wanting to die angry at or hating her.
I'm sorry to hear about the difficulties is your grandfather is having. I have a friend who has severe dementia and they recently had to put her in an assisted living facility because she could no longer care for herself. It's very difficult to deal with when people can't remember things. You can say something to her and three minutes later she asks the same question again because she doesn't remember what you just told her. It's very heartbreaking. That's part of the reason I want to ctb now instead of waiting until I get older. I already have memory problems and severe problems with brain fog, concentration, and focusing due to problems with my thyroid that the doctors either aren't willing to fix (in the case of all my previous doctors) or don't know how to fix (in the case of my current doctor). Sometimes I fear I'm getting the beginnings of Alzheimer's or some other dementia type of disease. It's very frightening for me because I would have no one to take care of me and no money to be put in an assisted living facility. If I ever got dementia or any other problem, I have no clue what I would do or how I would survive. I'm just afraid I'd end up being one of these crazy people that runs around on the street because I would have no one to help me. That's why it's better if I just go now while I'm still able to take control of my own situation.
It seems to me that's really what all of us want here, just a little bit of compassion and some control over our own situations.

I bet we could talk for hours about how questionable many psych interventions are. I hope there was some good to the memory...

At this point it just makes me laugh.
I mean, what kind of stupid idiotic crap is that? And as I said, how is that supposed to help us? The whole psychiatric industry is just one big joke. They try to act all scientific and so forth but they're not. They give people drugs that, in the end, probably end up making most people worse. And the only thing they really do is lock people up against their will and get them out of society so that the "regular people" won't have to deal with them.
As I said, I was 13 when I first went on the psych ward. I was forced to take all kinds of drugs against my will that did nothing to make me feel better because I was a ward of the state and a minor and I had no choice in the matter. I've often wondered what all of those drugs they fed me when I was at an age where my brain was still developing did to me. I wonder if a lot of the mental and neurological problems that I have now aren't at least partly caused by all the drugs I was forced to take back then.
Even today, they give kids all kind of drugs that they probably don't need, just because they won't sit still in class or something. It's like acting like a normal kid will get you put on some kind of a drug so they don't have to deal with you. If they can't control you, they put you on a drug. That's the answer to everything. I have nothing against drugs if they're necessary or if they work, but I can't imagine how many kids lives have been messed up by being forced on to some drug that does God knows what to their brain.

 

[Sweet emotion]

I didn't even consider how hard typing must be for you. It's too bad you can't get some kind of a voice activated dictation device so that you could speak into it and it would type the words out for you.
It sounds like you and your mother have been through quite a lot together. I can understand you not wanting to die angry at or hating her.
I'm sorry to hear about the difficulties is your grandfather is having. I have a friend who has severe dementia and they recently had to put her in an assisted living facility because she could no longer care for herself. It's very difficult to deal with when people can't remember things. You can say something to her and three minutes later she asks the same question again because she doesn't remember what you just told her. It's very heartbreaking. That's part of the reason I want to ctb now instead of waiting until I get older. I already have memory problems and severe problems with brain fog, concentration, and focusing due to problems with my thyroid that the doctors either aren't willing to fix (in the case of all my previous doctors) or don't know how to fix (in the case of my current doctor). Sometimes I fear I'm getting the beginnings of Alzheimer's or some other dementia type of disease. It's very frightening for me because I would have no one to take care of me and no money to be put in an assisted living facility. If I ever got dementia or any other problem, I have no clue what I would do or how I would survive. I'm just afraid I'd end up being one of these crazy people that runs around on the street because I would have no one to help me. That's why it's better if I just go now while I'm still able to take control of my own situation.
It seems to me that's really what all of us want here, just a little bit of compassion and some control over our own situations.

At this point it just makes me laugh.
I mean, what kind of stupid idiotic crap is that? And as I said, how is that supposed to help us? The whole psychiatric industry is just one big joke. They try to act all scientific and so forth but they're not. They give people drugs that, in the end, probably end up making most people worse. And the only thing they really do is lock people up against their will and get them out of society so that the "regular people" won't have to deal with them.
As I said, I was 13 when I first went on the psych ward. I was forced to take all kinds of drugs against my will that did nothing to make me feel better because I was a ward of the state and a minor and I had no choice in the matter. I've often wondered what all of those drugs they fed me when I was at an age where my brain was still developing did to me. I wonder if a lot of the mental and neurological problems that I have now aren't at least partly caused by all the drugs I was forced to take back then.
Even today, they give kids all kind of drugs that they probably don't need, just because they won't sit still in class or something. It's like acting like a normal kid will get you put on some kind of a drug so they don't have to deal with you. If they can't control you, they put you on a drug. That's the answer to everything. I have nothing against drugs if they're necessary or if they work, but I can't imagine how many kids lives have been messed up by being forced on to some drug that does God knows what to their brain.

I'm not able to speak for that long because one of the primary spots I have this disease in is in my mouth ears and head. I can't even tell you what thspat feels like when it flares up. You feel like you're being tortured alive.

I didn't even consider how hard typing must be for you. It's too bad you can't get some kind of a voice activated dictation device so that you could speak into it and it would type the words out for you.
It sounds like you and your mother have been through quite a lot together. I can understand you not wanting to die angry at or hating her.
I'm sorry to hear about the difficulties is your grandfather is having. I have a friend who has severe dementia and they recently had to put her in an assisted living facility because she could no longer care for herself. It's very difficult to deal with when people can't remember things. You can say something to her and three minutes later she asks the same question again because she doesn't remember what you just told her. It's very heartbreaking. That's part of the reason I want to ctb now instead of waiting until I get older. I already have memory problems and severe problems with brain fog, concentration, and focusing due to problems with my thyroid that the doctors either aren't willing to fix (in the case of all my previous doctors) or don't know how to fix (in the case of my current doctor). Sometimes I fear I'm getting the beginnings of Alzheimer's or some other dementia type of disease. It's very frightening for me because I would have no one to take care of me and no money to be put in an assisted living facility. If I ever got dementia or any other problem, I have no clue what I would do or how I would survive. I'm just afraid I'd end up being one of these crazy people that runs around on the street because I would have no one to help me. That's why it's better if I just go now while I'm still able to take control of my own situation.
It seems to me that's really what all of us want here, just a little bit of compassion and some control over our own situations.

At this point it just makes me laugh.
I mean, what kind of stupid idiotic crap is that? And as I said, how is that supposed to help us? The whole psychiatric industry is just one big joke. They try to act all scientific and so forth but they're not. They give people drugs that, in the end, probably end up making most people worse. And the only thing they really do is lock people up against their will and get them out of society so that the "regular people" won't have to deal with them.
As I said, I was 13 when I first went on the psych ward. I was forced to take all kinds of drugs against my will that did nothing to make me feel better because I was a ward of the state and a minor and I had no choice in the matter. I've often wondered what all of those drugs they fed me when I was at an age where my brain was still developing did to me. I wonder if a lot of the mental and neurological problems that I have now aren't at least partly caused by all the drugs I was forced to take back then.
Even today, they give kids all kind of drugs that they probably don't need, just because they won't sit still in class or something. It's like acting like a normal kid will get you put on some kind of a drug so they don't have to deal with you. If they can't control you, they put you on a drug. That's the answer to everything. I have nothing against drugs if they're necessary or if they work, but I can't imagine how many kids lives have been messed up by being forced on to some drug that does God knows what to their brain.

How old are you?

 

[CrushedHopes]

I understand the feeling of helplessness and hopelessness all too well. When do you plan on exiting so that you could put an end to all the pain?

 

[letmeseethedeath]

I feel like an attention whore writing this because I know I won´t CTB until at least a few months ago. But I just need to rant. I hate myself. I hate my body. I hate my college. I hate my parents. I hate my therapist. I hate my life. I´m so angry right now, I just want to punch something. Nobody gets it. My parents think I´m doing this for attention. I have no friends. Even my therapist just spouts positive bullshit at me like they´re Oprah. They think I can just wave a magic wand and make all my problems go away. It doesn´t work like that. I lash out at the people I love and I hate it. I´m just so angry at the world and myself.

i feel the same way. i hate so much my body, i can't even look at my small hands because it causes me so pain. plus i have gender dysphoria so yeah, i really feel you. i just went away from my friends and i kept on ignoring them and i still do. i feel like i don't deserve anything except dying. i'm sending you a big hug, if you need to rant feel free to text me ok?

 

[BlueWidow]

I'm not able to speak for that long because one of the primary spots I have this disease in is in my mouth ears and head. I can't even tell you what thspat feels like when it flares up. You feel like you're being tortured alive.

How old are you?

That is horrific! Is it a constant pain, or a series of flare ups, or a constant pain that gets worse when it flares up? I suspect the last one. I don't even know what to say.

I'm 50. I have had severe pain in my knees for the last 13 years due to an eating disorder that I had that caused me to exercise up to 10 hours a day, every day, no matter what, for 6 years. I damaged or wore away the majority of the cartilage in my knees, so now if I'm not on pain medicine it's just pure hell. For some reason it seems to hurt me more at night when I'm trying to sleep than at any other time. When the pain first started, there was nothing they were doing that was helping it and it was literally making me lose my mind. I went through a period of time where I didn't sleep at all for months and I really thought I was going to die. Luckily, they finally found a medication that worked and made the pain stop long enough for me to be able to sleep again. Unfortunately, I can't remember the name of the medicine at this point. Once they got the pain under control, they manage to be able to switch me over to a very high dose of ibuprofen. I assume at some point I'm going to end up having to be on opioids or something to control the pain, if I live long enough, but for right now I can deal with the pain as long as I take the ibuprofen, 2400mg.

But I can't imagine the pain you must be in. Do they have you on very heavy pain meds, or do pain meds just not work for you?

I know the doctors told me that part of what happened to me was that I had some kind of problem in my nerves where I had pain at one point, but once the source of the pain healed, my nerves never got the message that the area was healed and they continued to send pain signals to my brain even though there was no reason for me to be in pain. I think this has been sort of corrected now, but not completely. I still have periods of time when I can't sleep because my knees hurt, no matter how much ibuprofen I take. When that happens, I have a stash of Vicodin that was given to my husband during his cancer treatment that he refused to take. I only take it when I absolutely need it because I absolutely hate it and it makes me nauseous and sick, but it does get rid of the pain and allow me to sleep. I know the doctor said it had something to do with my emotions also. I tend to have more pain the more emotionally upset I am. At one point, I was diagnosed with fibromyalgia, but I'm not sure that's exactly right. I believe fibromyalgia goes through your whole body, and for me (for the most part) it's just my knees that hurt like that. Of course, then about 5 years ago, I started getting the beginnings of arthritis. My hands get very stiff and painful and I have to force myself to bend them, particularly in the morning when I first get out of bed. When it started 5 years ago, it would only take me a minute or so to work the kinks out. Now it takes me nearly an hour of repeatedly bending my fingers and moving my hands, no matter how much it hurts, to work the kinks out. I know at some point in the future, if I live long enough, my hands are going to hurt all the time and I won't be able to work the kinks out of them anymore.
So I have all of these neurological symptoms, and all of these pain symptoms, and emotional symptoms and I believe they're all somehow related to each other. I'm not exactly sure how, but I know they're all related and I know they're all going to get worse the older I get. At some point, I may be in some kind of condition either physically or neurologically where I can't ctb without help. I intend to do it before I get to that point because I want to have control over my own destiny. I don't want to be stuck here in severe pain and unable to think clearly and not be able to do anything about it.

 

[Deleted member 1465]

Everyone is kind of seeking attention by posting. It's how you get support. Nothing wrong with it. It's why we have he vent tag.

My sympathies with you all. Mental health services are a joke. They automatically marginalise and discriminate against you for having mh issues. They of all people should understand. I don't see people even as having mental health problems per se. I just see people who see the world in a particular way. To just stick you in the depression bin with a box of drugs diminishes the person without helping them come to terms with who they are

 

[takeyourshotfunboy]

i feel the same way. i hate so much my body, i can't even look at my small hands because it causes me so pain. plus i have gender dysphoria so yeah, i really feel you. i just went away from my friends and i kept on ignoring them and i still do. i feel like i don't deserve anything except dying. i'm sending you a big hug, if you need to rant feel free to text me ok?

I have gender dysphoria too

 

[Rising Phoenix]

I feel like an attention whore writing this because I know I won´t CTB until at least a few months ago. But I just need to rant. I hate myself. I hate my body. I hate my college. I hate my parents. I hate my therapist. I hate my life. I´m so angry right now, I just want to punch something. Nobody gets it. My parents think I´m doing this for attention. I have no friends. Even my therapist just spouts positive bullshit at me like they´re Oprah. They think I can just wave a magic wand and make all my problems go away. It doesn´t work like that. I lash out at the people I love and I hate it. I´m just so angry at the world and myself.

I think life coaches are better than theripists. Imho

 

[Sweet emotion]

That is horrific! Is it a constant pain, or a series of flare ups, or a constant pain that gets worse when it flares up? I suspect the last one. I don't even know what to say.

I'm 50. I have had severe pain in my knees for the last 13 years due to an eating disorder that I had that caused me to exercise up to 10 hours a day, every day, no matter what, for 6 years. I damaged or wore away the majority of the cartilage in my knees, so now if I'm not on pain medicine it's just pure hell. For some reason it seems to hurt me more at night when I'm trying to sleep than at any other time. When the pain first started, there was nothing they were doing that was helping it and it was literally making me lose my mind. I went through a period of time where I didn't sleep at all for months and I really thought I was going to die. Luckily, they finally found a medication that worked and made the pain stop long enough for me to be able to sleep again. Unfortunately, I can't remember the name of the medicine at this point. Once they got the pain under control, they manage to be able to switch me over to a very high dose of ibuprofen. I assume at some point I'm going to end up having to be on opioids or something to control the pain, if I live long enough, but for right now I can deal with the pain as long as I take the ibuprofen, 2400mg.

But I can't imagine the pain you must be in. Do they have you on very heavy pain meds, or do pain meds just not work for you?

I know the doctors told me that part of what happened to me was that I had some kind of problem in my nerves where I had pain at one point, but once the source of the pain healed, my nerves never got the message that the area was healed and they continued to send pain signals to my brain even though there was no reason for me to be in pain. I think this has been sort of corrected now, but not completely. I still have periods of time when I can't sleep because my knees hurt, no matter how much ibuprofen I take. When that happens, I have a stash of Vicodin that was given to my husband during his cancer treatment that he refused to take. I only take it when I absolutely need it because I absolutely hate it and it makes me nauseous and sick, but it does get rid of the pain and allow me to sleep. I know the doctor said it had something to do with my emotions also. I tend to have more pain the more emotionally upset I am. At one point, I was diagnosed with fibromyalgia, but I'm not sure that's exactly right. I believe fibromyalgia goes through your whole body, and for me (for the most part) it's just my knees that hurt like that. Of course, then about 5 years ago, I started getting the beginnings of arthritis. My hands get very stiff and painful and I have to force myself to bend them, particularly in the morning when I first get out of bed. When it started 5 years ago, it would only take me a minute or so to work the kinks out. Now it takes me nearly an hour of repeatedly bending my fingers and moving my hands, no matter how much it hurts, to work the kinks out. I know at some point in the future, if I live long enough, my hands are going to hurt all the time and I won't be able to work the kinks out of them anymore.
So I have all of these neurological symptoms, and all of these pain symptoms, and emotional symptoms and I believe they're all somehow related to each other. I'm not exactly sure how, but I know they're all related and I know they're all going to get worse the older I get. At some point, I may be in some kind of condition either physically or neurologically where I can't ctb without help. I intend to do it before I get to that point because I want to have control over my own destiny. I don't want to be stuck here in severe pain and unable to think clearly and not be able to do anything about it.

Yes my pain is constsnt with flare up that can last two weeks to two months depending on how bad they are. I'll write you back later. My hands are just not having it

 

[BlueWidow]

Yes my pain is constsnt with flare up that can last two weeks to two months depending on how bad they are. I'll write you back later. My hands are just not having it

Please take all the time you need.

 

[TimeToBiteTheDust]

This is the place to tell us your inner most thoughts. So don't feel like an attention whore. Do you know how many times I've cried to the people on this site? And they were beyond wonderful to me. I understand how you feel. I'm physically sick with a rare nerve disease that there is no help or cure for. I'm worthless. I'm 34 and got it at 20. It's called complex regional pain syndrome and it's the highest ranking pain condition in medical history. It's also known as the suicide disease because the pain is non stop. It's relentless and it's not like normal pain. People actually get their limbs removed to try and get relief. I've been in my house for 14 years...over that, only leaving to go to hospital stays and doctors. So I'm very angry too. My temper has gotten out of control. The fights between my mother and I have gotten physical. She takes care of me and we live in a very small apartment. Life is just hell. This disease has made me start to hate myself. The stress makes my OCD even worse. But it stop my life from me. It's taken everything away from me. A chance at finding love, having a career, travelling, every wonderful thing that life has to hold. Friends and family. So I understand your anger. Our anger just comes from Teo different directions. One thing that helps me is journaling. I know it sounds corny and I can't do it anymore because someone really hurt my wrist and arm during an argument, well my mom did and it has caused our relationship to just crumble. It's been over three weeks and it hasn't gone away and I know how I am and I will never be able to forgive her for this. You don't hurt someone who is physically sick with a painful nerve disease. I just want you to know I understand all the hate.

I couldn't agree more with you when you say when a doctor can't help you they turn everything around on you. I've had that done to me and I told my doctor off not caring if he dropped me as a pain management patient or not. I'd just have to kill myself a little earlier. But I will no longer leave a doctor's office in more pain than I've gone in.

You're such a strong woman I admire you so much!!

 

[letmeseethedeath]

I have gender dysphoria too

if you wanna talk text me