Help I´m going insane...Need human interaction but my therapist doesn´t allow me

[m00nl1ght]

Last Friday I told my psychologist about my mothers sexual abuse and she said she´ll be on vacation for the next 3 weeks. It´s too long. I´m craving social interaction for ages cause of corona. I have someone from the psychological ward looking after me 2 times a week. But it´s not enough. I barely have any contact to my friends (?) and I´m not supposed to do any form of online dating (they say it´s too triggering). In the past being on tinder was my main source of social interaction and now I can´t talk to someone at all.

I was facetiming with a tinder guy on sunday (rebel me) and we got along extremely well. He wants to call me soon but I´m actually not allowed. I´m torn between not giving a shit about what my therapist says or keep isolating myself. ​

It´s simply too much for me at the moment. I approved of focusing on myself instead of going on dates but I´m going crazy. I crave intimacy, having meaningful conversations and getting a hug. I just need a hug. I cleaned my house, decorated my balcony and did stuff I procrastinated for months...still feeling so empty and hopeless.

I´m so desperate I´m hugging myself once a day, carrying my teddy bear around and thinking about ordering those boyfriend pillow from amazon

It´s all fun until I realize that I´m about to do something impulsive. Like driving across the city to meet this guy. Or taking drugs. My mind currently is on survival mode and I can´t endure much longer in this isolation. It´s also disturbing not knowing how much longer this whole situation lasts.

Anyone has a thought on this?

 

[I’mDone]

Why aren't you allowed to talk to him on the phone?

 

[m00nl1ght]

Why aren't you allowed to talk to him on the phone?

My therapist says I should stay away from any sort of dating stuff. The tinder guy has no friendship potential, we pretty much had an online date. And I know he finds me attractive. Friendship is ok as long as it´s not toxic. But my therapist is concerned I might be falling in love again and doing stuff I´ll regret later. I have Borderline so she´s right. But you know...I don´t want to stay away from him

 

[bpdandme]

Feel free to PM me if you need a chat!

 

[GoodPersonEffed]

Is your therapist giving you good advice, or not allowing you to do things? If you have the perspective of not being allowed, I would think that you are giving away too much of your power to them, and that you are more likely to do something out of rebellion rather than thinking for yourself and deciding whether or not it is good advice worthy of trying to follow for your own benefit and well-being.

 

[BridgeJumper]

I wouldnt give a shit about ultimatums like that
All my therapists said to me is that Im an attention seeker and my trauma was fabricated for sympathy.
Even paramedics gave me advice on how to kill myself that way so I wont waste their time

But thats just me.

 

[m00nl1ght]

Is your therapist giving you good advice, or not allowing you to do things? If you have the perspective of not being allowed, I would think that you are giving away too much of your power to them, and that you are more likely to do something out of rebellion rather than thinking for yourself and deciding whether or not it is good advice worthy of trying to follow for your own benefit and well-being.

She suggested it and I agreed with her. At this point I thought it would be way easier to stay away from those dating sites. Didn´t think I would coincidentally stumble across a guy I really like. So I understand the need to focus on myself but at the moment I´m just not capable/ strong enough to be by myself. I already sense the idealization of this guy which is typical for my BPD and can be really unhealthy. So I want to stay away from him as long I can not think clear. Really frustrating

I wouldnt give a shit about ultimatums like that
All my therapists said to me is that Im an attention seeker and my trauma was fabricated for sympathy.
Even paramedics gave me advice on how to kill myself that way so I wont waste their time

But thats just me.

"Even paramedics gave me advice on how to kill myself that way so I wont waste their time"
Yeah I heard the exact same thing

I mean it wasn´t really an ultimation rather than a suggestion, a strong suggestion. My therapist said I´m not capable of having stable romantic relationships at the moment so I should strongly focus on myself. Little did I know it would be this hard.

 

[GoodPersonEffed]

She suggested it and I agreed with her. At this point I thought it would be way easier to stay away from those dating sites. Didn´t think I would coincidentally stumble across a guy I really like. So I understand the need to focus on myself but at the moment I´m just not capable/ strong enough to be by myself. I already sense the idealization of this guy which is typical for my BPD and can be really unhealthy. So I want to stay away from him as long I can not think clear. Really frustrating

It's hard to give up a coping skill without another to replace it. What about some compensatory contact with your friends? Sounds like you're at risk of too much isolation.

 

[Donk]

"Even paramedics gave me advice on how to kill myself that way so I wont waste their time"

wow i didnt know paramedics would give out ctb advice. what kind of advice did they give you.

we need a paramedic on SS!

 

[m00nl1ght]

It's hard to give up a coping skill without another to replace it. What about some compensatory contact with your friends? Sounds like you're at risk of too much isolation.

I have one male friend which I think is falling in love with me and now the situation is quite awkward.
My only female "friend" is on distance after a misunderstanding. I texted her yesterday but she seems colder. Don´t know her too well overall

I have the feeling that I´m reaching out to everyone I know but no one really wants to have contact with me. And on top of that I can´t even form new relationships. Can´t go outside so I have to use online websites which my therapist dislikes.

 

[GoodPersonEffed]

Well, you have this forum. Are there other forums that relate to other interests? Any coping skills to get your through your therapist's vacation?

 

[s1mplem3]

A boyfriend pillow? This world is insane. I don't know how to help you, I'm home alone 24/7 just go outside sometimes to buy food. If you want we can chat in here or even meet in real life if you willing to travel (I'm NY state).

 

[noaccount]

Have you put a lot of thought into whether "borderline personality disorder" makes sense to you as a description of your feelings, relationships, and goals, and whether people who have labeled you that, or "treated you for it," have goals, ethics, gender politics etc, that align with yours?

 

[m00nl1ght]

Have you put a lot of thought into whether "borderline personality disorder" makes sense to you as a description of your feelings, relationships, and goals, and whether people who have labeled you that, or "treated you for it," have goals, ethics, gender politics etc, that align with yours?

I don´t really understand...I have really thought about my diagnosis and think it describes me pretty well

 

[Orpheus*]

Have you put a lot of thought into whether "borderline personality disorder" makes sense to you as a description of your feelings, relationships, and goals, and whether people who have labeled you that, or "treated you for it," have goals, ethics, gender politics etc, that align with yours?

I think this is a really important question to ask yourself because BPD is SO stigmatized by both the general public and people in mental health care. People think we are just manipulative attention whores it's really sad. I didn't get diagnosed for a while just because I don't manipulate people. I know so many people who think manipulative/toxic people are borderline when they're not, they're just toxic. I don't bother to listen to what they have to say about it- you have to have at least 5 of the 9 symptoms to be diagnosed. I have 6. So go down that list and see if any of them really strike you. Here they are


Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment

A pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterized by extremes between idealization and devaluation (also known as "splitting")

Identity disturbance: Markedly or persistently unstable self-image or sense of self

Impulsive behavior in at least two areas that are potentially self-damaging (e.g., spending, sex, substance abuse, reckless driving, binge eating)

Recurrent suicidal behavior, gestures, or threats, or self-harming behavior

Emotional instability in reaction to day-to-day events (e.g., intense episodic sadness, irritability, or anxiety usually lasting a few hours and only rarely more than a few days)

Chronic feelings of emptiness

Inappropriate, intense anger or difficulty controlling anger (e.g., frequent displays of temper, constant anger, recurrent physical fights)

Transient, stress-related paranoid ideation or severe dissociative symptoms

 

[m00nl1ght]

I think this is a really important question to ask yourself because BPD is SO stigmatized by both the general public and people in mental health care. People think we are just manipulative attention whores it's really sad. I didn't get diagnosed for a while just because I don't manipulate people. I know so many people who think manipulative/toxic people are borderline when they're not, they're just toxic. I don't bother to listen to what they have to say about it- you have to have at least 5 of the 9 symptoms to be diagnosed. I have 6. So go down that list and see if any of them really strike you. Here they are


Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment

A pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterized by extremes between idealization and devaluation (also known as "splitting")

Identity disturbance: Markedly or persistently unstable self-image or sense of self

Impulsive behavior in at least two areas that are potentially self-damaging (e.g., spending, sex, substance abuse, reckless driving, binge eating)

Recurrent suicidal behavior, gestures, or threats, or self-harming behavior

Emotional instability in reaction to day-to-day events (e.g., intense episodic sadness, irritability, or anxiety usually lasting a few hours and only rarely more than a few days)

Chronic feelings of emptiness

Inappropriate, intense anger or difficulty controlling anger (e.g., frequent displays of temper, constant anger, recurrent physical fights)

Transient, stress-related paranoid ideation or severe dissociative symptoms

Ah now I know what you mean. Yes, this is 100% me except the anger