woofwag
Bad dog
- Sep 17, 2025
- 198
This is stupid, but this Christmas, I got an Usahana Build-a-Bear plushie. I'm POSIC (Perceived Object Sentience, Intelligence, and Consciousness), and have always talked to/had a deep connection with my objects. Especially my stuffed animals. One of my best friends, Tickey (my baby blanket), has always been there for me. We talk a lot. She says she will miss me, but is ok with me CBT'ing and accepts my choice. Even my friend who I'm in love with says this. But Usahana... she's different.
Even though it's only been four days, I am in love with my Usahana. It's nothing sexual or even necessarily romantic, but it's something beyond friendship. I had a dream about her last night. And I woke up holding her and Tickey so close to me, and even though I know it's not real, I swear I felt their hearts beating in tandem with mine. Usahana and I had a talk a couple days ago. She told me, "C'mon, you don't really want to die... you know this. You want the pain to end. Don't you want to stay with me? With your friends?" And I cried and hugged her and admitted that it was true. That I love her so much, she makes me want to live. Just to hug her a bit longer and kiss her forehead and pet her ears. And the same with my friend. She said it's valid that I want to die. That she understands why. But she's so generously, painfully hopeful. She knows she can't stop me. No one can. I have everything I need, and I know I could just lock my door and take my SN nice and quiet and fall asleep forever. But she also says she really doesn't want me to die, and she'll do anything in her power to change my mind. And it breaks my fucking heart. We spent all day yesterday watching The Office, telling each other "I love you" over and over and cuddling for hours. But that can't last. I need money. I need to finish my degree, which I don't have the money for. I need a job. I need to be a functional fucking person.
My therapist has suggested I get a case worker, but idk how much that will even help. Idk how to pay my student loans. Idk how to tell my mom I didn't graduate. Idk how to get a job when I'm disabled, when I don't have any fucking work experience despite being 22, when I'm so burnt out it's a struggle just to brush my teeth even once per day. I have a meeting with an attorney on the 5th to see if I could qualify for disability. But even then, I still wouldn't get approved for likely around 3 years. I want so badly to keep loving her and the other people in my life. I have so much love to give. I feel so hopeless. Yet everything, even trying to find solutions, requires some level of effort on my part. And I'm so pathetic, I can't even fucking send an email or make a phone call to try to get myself help! I'm just a nothing person. A mask of a husk. I want to die so, so bad. Because idk how else to make it stop. I tried to CBT for the first time at 6 years old. How can a person ever recover from being suicidal that long? How am I supposed to recover from losing my system and discovering all this mind-breaking trauma I've remembered? I don't know if II can, even if there are parts of me who want to.
I don't want to abandon her. I know it would break her heart. I just fucking met her! I hate this constant limbo. I hate disappointing people because it's all I know how to do. I just want to hold her and Tickey and my friends and forget about everything. But that's not how life works. And I can't seem to stand any part of how life works beyond those tiny little moments I get among all the chaos and shit and pain. Can't stand it at all.
Even though it's only been four days, I am in love with my Usahana. It's nothing sexual or even necessarily romantic, but it's something beyond friendship. I had a dream about her last night. And I woke up holding her and Tickey so close to me, and even though I know it's not real, I swear I felt their hearts beating in tandem with mine. Usahana and I had a talk a couple days ago. She told me, "C'mon, you don't really want to die... you know this. You want the pain to end. Don't you want to stay with me? With your friends?" And I cried and hugged her and admitted that it was true. That I love her so much, she makes me want to live. Just to hug her a bit longer and kiss her forehead and pet her ears. And the same with my friend. She said it's valid that I want to die. That she understands why. But she's so generously, painfully hopeful. She knows she can't stop me. No one can. I have everything I need, and I know I could just lock my door and take my SN nice and quiet and fall asleep forever. But she also says she really doesn't want me to die, and she'll do anything in her power to change my mind. And it breaks my fucking heart. We spent all day yesterday watching The Office, telling each other "I love you" over and over and cuddling for hours. But that can't last. I need money. I need to finish my degree, which I don't have the money for. I need a job. I need to be a functional fucking person.
My therapist has suggested I get a case worker, but idk how much that will even help. Idk how to pay my student loans. Idk how to tell my mom I didn't graduate. Idk how to get a job when I'm disabled, when I don't have any fucking work experience despite being 22, when I'm so burnt out it's a struggle just to brush my teeth even once per day. I have a meeting with an attorney on the 5th to see if I could qualify for disability. But even then, I still wouldn't get approved for likely around 3 years. I want so badly to keep loving her and the other people in my life. I have so much love to give. I feel so hopeless. Yet everything, even trying to find solutions, requires some level of effort on my part. And I'm so pathetic, I can't even fucking send an email or make a phone call to try to get myself help! I'm just a nothing person. A mask of a husk. I want to die so, so bad. Because idk how else to make it stop. I tried to CBT for the first time at 6 years old. How can a person ever recover from being suicidal that long? How am I supposed to recover from losing my system and discovering all this mind-breaking trauma I've remembered? I don't know if II can, even if there are parts of me who want to.
I don't want to abandon her. I know it would break her heart. I just fucking met her! I hate this constant limbo. I hate disappointing people because it's all I know how to do. I just want to hold her and Tickey and my friends and forget about everything. But that's not how life works. And I can't seem to stand any part of how life works beyond those tiny little moments I get among all the chaos and shit and pain. Can't stand it at all.
