Venting I love so hard, why do I feel this way

[foreverclear]

I love my mom and dad and siblings so much. I love my old friends and my new friends, I love my roommate and my school and my classes. I love everything and everyone so hard and I can't seem to figure out how to love myself. I've wanted to CTB since I was eight, I used to pray for God to give me the will to do it. Im eighteen and i still can't. I don't know why I can't just be happy with the things that I have, I ruin every good thing and take it for granted and people still love me and I don't know why they do. I have this whole life and I don't know what to do, I have no aspirations or goals, I never have. I'm ruining everything for myself. I made friends with so many new people this year and I've lied to all of them. No I'm not funny, I'm not happy, I'm not outgoing, I'm a liar, and when I slip up and they see how pathetic and miserable I am deep down it pushes them away. I want to CTB more than I've ever wanted anything in my life, but I feel like I'll never be able to follow through with it.

 

[jojobanana]

I feel very similarly to you. The people I have in my life right now. I love them very much. But it doesn't change the fact that I want to CTB. I just can't bring myself to accept this life. Why do you feel like you're ruining everything for yourself? What have you lied about that most people don't usually lie about too

 

[foreverclear]

I feel very similarly to you. The people I have in my life right now. I love them very much. But it doesn't change the fact that I want to CTB. I just can't bring myself to accept this life. Why do you feel like you're ruining everything for yourself? What have you lied about that most people don't usually lie about too

My personality I guess? I feel like if I was myself no one would want to be around me, which I understand and that's why I just fake everything I do. It sounds cringey but I don't get excited or happy, I'm just good at pretending I am, and it's really draining. I feel like I'm constantly slipping up though and my friends are starting to notice, idk tho, I'm just tired.