InterstateFlowers
Experienced
- Apr 16, 2020
- 236
I'm in a really good relationship with my family. I love all of them, my parents and my little sister. Lately, my little sister has been more cuddly and affectionate with me and she's in middle school. She tries to hug my arm and spend time with me and sneak into my bed at night and prepare me meals because I don't like eating. Everyday, she reminds me of how much she loves me and we've grown closer as siblings. She's told me how sad and depressed and how much she'd be crying if I died and she started tearing up. I know how much she loves me and how she can't imagine a world without her big sister. My father doesn't show his emotions a lot but he told me he cried in the car of my last suicide attempt because he didn't want to do it in front of me. Even though he doesn't say I love you as much as my mom and sister, I can tell he loves me and tries to be a hard-working and bubbly dad even though he has his flaws.
My mom has become a complete 180 after my suicide attempts. Everyday, she smothers me with physical attention and I love you's to make sure I know I'm loved. She works so extremely hard for me and I have nothing to prove for that. The fact that she's an immigrant from a very economically poor country and wanted to move to the U.S for a better life for her future children is beautiful. However, I believe she got married (3 months after meeting my dad) and had kids too soon. If my childhood was like the way it was now, I wouldn't be here and without a doubt have been incredibly successful. If my depression and anxiety didn't hold me back, there would be so many things I could be doing right now. My childhood was rough and unstable. My mother forgot to give me enough attention as a toddler because she worked so much to keep the house. Memories of spending time with her at that stage are none while I can remember quite a few with my dad. The only reason I'm not socially inept is because of my little sister. At 6-7 yrs old, I lived with my aunts who volunteered to take care of me but didn't give me love and empathy but everyday harsh criticism and apathy. I've always thought what was stopping me from running into the road or jumping off a window at that age. Because of my aunts, I feel like I'm worth nothing no matter what I do. They gave me the feeling of worthlessness. My parents got divorced and it was rough.
I'm so selfish and disgusting and unforgivable. I've read so many stories on here without loving parents, kind siblings, and a stable home. Nobody deserves to live without these things. I have all of these things at the moment yet I want to die. I'm just not comfortable with living anymore because I just don't want to do it. I don't want to struggle with depression and feeling like the world is judging and hating me. This pit of despair in my stomach, as if my family is going to die any second, is torture. I hate this. If this is suppose to be a moment for growth, I'm tired of it. I want to take a break from everything but then I'd disappoint myself and my parents by being a NEET. I'm tired of fighting. My family is coaxing my endurance but they can't be my endurance forever. I hate myself.
edit: lyrics to a song that I feel describes my emotions relating to depression perfectly link
"Don't you wish for death when you're feeling weak!
Hardships aren't as hard as they seem to be!"
…Sure, say that all you want, you're not fooling me
With those words you never mean.
While I don't care to die, I don't mind a bit
But someone I love? …God, I think I'd wish I did
I suppose "Because I won't like it"
Is all my ego is.
Happy to gaze upon the pain of the haven't-met,
Cowering in our hatred has become a fashion trend
Even so, we're supposed to "live a peaceful life"?
Even though I bet it's nice, I bet we've tried.
Someone succumbs behind the colors of the monitor
Deep in grief, another weeps by singing in their honor
Hearing that song, a humming young boy wandered
Off with a knife and an offer.
Everybody hated well by life itself, we'll never know
Why they force code and ego on the radio.
Day-to-day, they're singing out "I'll take you down", but then again,
Who takes when they're really being generous?
Everybody hated well by life itself, we'll never know
Why "I want to die" is treated like another joke.
That world where we see the worth in growing old,
Anybody hated well by life itself will never know.
Penniless again, through the day anew,
I decide to praise the lazy and sing out of tune
Lost upon life's meaning, I take in the truth,
Breathe and see there isn't anything I'm meant to do.
Would these wounds be better off expressed
With the lowly illustration "I'm so lonely" suggests?
Shouldering nothing but this stubbornness,
I'm nothing but alone when I go to bed
Kids with passion to play make-believe will
Become young adults with a will to achieve.
As we age, there comes a day we fester like a falling leaf,
Carried down without a clue to prove we ever breathed…
Breathing on for centuries in a deathless design,
Bored for eternity, the only to survive…
…These are the kinds of sci-fi dreams always on my mind.
Numb to the pain, can I die? Though I'm not afraid,
All the same, I have to pay attention to the hearts I'd break
Lost in conflicting thoughts, I'm sure they'd have a lot to say
Yes, I can guess what they'd convey:
"Perfect things need to stay as perfect as they always were."
"If you can't confront demise, then live the life you don't deserve."
Since we're bound to end up sad and back to being hurt,
We should laugh with the friends we lack forever
Everybody hated well by life itself, we'll never know
Why we claim to get the happiness we haven't shown.
Angered by our past hands, past, as we complain aloud,
We smile while pretending that we're better now
Everybody hated well by life itself, we'll never know
Why "So long" took on the meaning of "I wanna go".
That time where "Goodbye" implied "For now, I hope"
Anybody hated well by life itself will never know.
Contentment and exits, affection and friendships-
They're gifts you can get for your money
…Within but a whimsical fantasy.
I could be dead tomorrow, yet I'm sure in some way,
When I go, I'll get to know my life was such a waste.
Through daylight and stardom, through springtime and autumn,
We die everyday, and that's exactly why I chase
No wishes or visions; since all I can afford
Is protecting your life, I ask for that and nothing more.
Of course… That's surely
All I'll ever need to sing for.
Hated well by life itself, we'll never know
What makes the meaning matter when we die alone.
It'll taint you, it'll taint two,
Soon enough, the rest of us will sink like a leaf into
Anywhere we know it's not for naught, 'cause we don't stop
Going out and off, always giving everything we got
To killing, to kicking, to grinning, to gritting,
Living, living, living, living,
Living on.
here's another song that describes me perfectly right now : Though I cry and scream, the morning comes
Please, oh night, don't end.
Just let me be, for a little while longer in this time,
Where we are all equally alone.
Though I pray, the sky lightens. 5am.
By all the people who swarm to see the cherry blossoms,
Flowers bestowed with not even a name were trampled underfoot.
"They're all beautiful!" people sure are in a fine place to be saying that
as they look down from above.
In this town where a price is placed on everything,
Even our identities are appraised.
Leaving us behind as we glower down at our feet
Another day comes to an end.
Gold and silver, copper and lead
Rare masterpieces and the multitude of crap
The dark of the night dyes each and every one of them black
And so I – even being as I am – feel that within this dark
I can forgive my own colors, even just a little bit
So…
Please, oh night, don't end.
Just let me be, for a little while longer within this time,
Where we are all equally amongst the gloom.
Though I pray, time passes on.
And again today, morning comes the same as always
Exposing my true colors to the world.
Light colors the town
And a new day begins.
Hearts and stars, crosses and fingers
So many figures, reflecting the real world.
"Everyone's different and that's great"
people sure are in a fine place to be saying that, irresponsibly
In this town where a price is placed on everything and anything
Our own identities are left unsold on the shelf.
Leaving us behind as we glower down at our feet
this planet continues to turn.
Tvs and radios playing over the merry town
And timelines filled with smiles –
Diverted into the dark of the night, for the moment they sleep.
And so I – even being as I am – feel that within this quiet
I can forgive my own loneliness, just a little bit.
So…
Please, oh night, don't end.
Just let me be, for a little while longer within this time,
Where we are all equally alone.
Though I pray… time passes on.
And again today, morning comes the same as always
Exposing how lonely I really am
Happy voices echo through the streets,
And a new day begins.
I just burn with envy for those who shine
and make up reasons as to why I can't move forward
Because of course, in the end it's all my own fault isn't it?
Those who simply believe will all be saved, right?
"Even if it's hard smile and face forward!"
"Tomorrow will be wonderful!"
Yet again today we continue to live,
on a planet that worships words like these.
Tied down to this world
I'm herded on by the dreams trespassing upon my thoughts.
Yet again, today I still haven't broken free of
These double helix chains.
Though I cry
and scream
time passes
Unable to go against
the brightening sky.
And again today, morning comes the same as always
Exposing my very worth
And to escape from the sun's rays
I hide beneath my blankets.
My mom has become a complete 180 after my suicide attempts. Everyday, she smothers me with physical attention and I love you's to make sure I know I'm loved. She works so extremely hard for me and I have nothing to prove for that. The fact that she's an immigrant from a very economically poor country and wanted to move to the U.S for a better life for her future children is beautiful. However, I believe she got married (3 months after meeting my dad) and had kids too soon. If my childhood was like the way it was now, I wouldn't be here and without a doubt have been incredibly successful. If my depression and anxiety didn't hold me back, there would be so many things I could be doing right now. My childhood was rough and unstable. My mother forgot to give me enough attention as a toddler because she worked so much to keep the house. Memories of spending time with her at that stage are none while I can remember quite a few with my dad. The only reason I'm not socially inept is because of my little sister. At 6-7 yrs old, I lived with my aunts who volunteered to take care of me but didn't give me love and empathy but everyday harsh criticism and apathy. I've always thought what was stopping me from running into the road or jumping off a window at that age. Because of my aunts, I feel like I'm worth nothing no matter what I do. They gave me the feeling of worthlessness. My parents got divorced and it was rough.
I'm so selfish and disgusting and unforgivable. I've read so many stories on here without loving parents, kind siblings, and a stable home. Nobody deserves to live without these things. I have all of these things at the moment yet I want to die. I'm just not comfortable with living anymore because I just don't want to do it. I don't want to struggle with depression and feeling like the world is judging and hating me. This pit of despair in my stomach, as if my family is going to die any second, is torture. I hate this. If this is suppose to be a moment for growth, I'm tired of it. I want to take a break from everything but then I'd disappoint myself and my parents by being a NEET. I'm tired of fighting. My family is coaxing my endurance but they can't be my endurance forever. I hate myself.
edit: lyrics to a song that I feel describes my emotions relating to depression perfectly link
"Don't you wish for death when you're feeling weak!
Hardships aren't as hard as they seem to be!"
…Sure, say that all you want, you're not fooling me
With those words you never mean.
While I don't care to die, I don't mind a bit
But someone I love? …God, I think I'd wish I did
I suppose "Because I won't like it"
Is all my ego is.
Happy to gaze upon the pain of the haven't-met,
Cowering in our hatred has become a fashion trend
Even so, we're supposed to "live a peaceful life"?
Even though I bet it's nice, I bet we've tried.
Someone succumbs behind the colors of the monitor
Deep in grief, another weeps by singing in their honor
Hearing that song, a humming young boy wandered
Off with a knife and an offer.
Everybody hated well by life itself, we'll never know
Why they force code and ego on the radio.
Day-to-day, they're singing out "I'll take you down", but then again,
Who takes when they're really being generous?
Everybody hated well by life itself, we'll never know
Why "I want to die" is treated like another joke.
That world where we see the worth in growing old,
Anybody hated well by life itself will never know.
Penniless again, through the day anew,
I decide to praise the lazy and sing out of tune
Lost upon life's meaning, I take in the truth,
Breathe and see there isn't anything I'm meant to do.
Would these wounds be better off expressed
With the lowly illustration "I'm so lonely" suggests?
Shouldering nothing but this stubbornness,
I'm nothing but alone when I go to bed
Kids with passion to play make-believe will
Become young adults with a will to achieve.
As we age, there comes a day we fester like a falling leaf,
Carried down without a clue to prove we ever breathed…
Breathing on for centuries in a deathless design,
Bored for eternity, the only to survive…
…These are the kinds of sci-fi dreams always on my mind.
Numb to the pain, can I die? Though I'm not afraid,
All the same, I have to pay attention to the hearts I'd break
Lost in conflicting thoughts, I'm sure they'd have a lot to say
Yes, I can guess what they'd convey:
"Perfect things need to stay as perfect as they always were."
"If you can't confront demise, then live the life you don't deserve."
Since we're bound to end up sad and back to being hurt,
We should laugh with the friends we lack forever
Everybody hated well by life itself, we'll never know
Why we claim to get the happiness we haven't shown.
Angered by our past hands, past, as we complain aloud,
We smile while pretending that we're better now
Everybody hated well by life itself, we'll never know
Why "So long" took on the meaning of "I wanna go".
That time where "Goodbye" implied "For now, I hope"
Anybody hated well by life itself will never know.
Contentment and exits, affection and friendships-
They're gifts you can get for your money
…Within but a whimsical fantasy.
I could be dead tomorrow, yet I'm sure in some way,
When I go, I'll get to know my life was such a waste.
Through daylight and stardom, through springtime and autumn,
We die everyday, and that's exactly why I chase
No wishes or visions; since all I can afford
Is protecting your life, I ask for that and nothing more.
Of course… That's surely
All I'll ever need to sing for.
Hated well by life itself, we'll never know
What makes the meaning matter when we die alone.
It'll taint you, it'll taint two,
Soon enough, the rest of us will sink like a leaf into
Anywhere we know it's not for naught, 'cause we don't stop
Going out and off, always giving everything we got
To killing, to kicking, to grinning, to gritting,
Living, living, living, living,
Living on.
here's another song that describes me perfectly right now : Though I cry and scream, the morning comes
Please, oh night, don't end.
Just let me be, for a little while longer in this time,
Where we are all equally alone.
Though I pray, the sky lightens. 5am.
By all the people who swarm to see the cherry blossoms,
Flowers bestowed with not even a name were trampled underfoot.
"They're all beautiful!" people sure are in a fine place to be saying that
as they look down from above.
In this town where a price is placed on everything,
Even our identities are appraised.
Leaving us behind as we glower down at our feet
Another day comes to an end.
Gold and silver, copper and lead
Rare masterpieces and the multitude of crap
The dark of the night dyes each and every one of them black
And so I – even being as I am – feel that within this dark
I can forgive my own colors, even just a little bit
So…
Please, oh night, don't end.
Just let me be, for a little while longer within this time,
Where we are all equally amongst the gloom.
Though I pray, time passes on.
And again today, morning comes the same as always
Exposing my true colors to the world.
Light colors the town
And a new day begins.
Hearts and stars, crosses and fingers
So many figures, reflecting the real world.
"Everyone's different and that's great"
people sure are in a fine place to be saying that, irresponsibly
In this town where a price is placed on everything and anything
Our own identities are left unsold on the shelf.
Leaving us behind as we glower down at our feet
this planet continues to turn.
Tvs and radios playing over the merry town
And timelines filled with smiles –
Diverted into the dark of the night, for the moment they sleep.
And so I – even being as I am – feel that within this quiet
I can forgive my own loneliness, just a little bit.
So…
Please, oh night, don't end.
Just let me be, for a little while longer within this time,
Where we are all equally alone.
Though I pray… time passes on.
And again today, morning comes the same as always
Exposing how lonely I really am
Happy voices echo through the streets,
And a new day begins.
I just burn with envy for those who shine
and make up reasons as to why I can't move forward
Because of course, in the end it's all my own fault isn't it?
Those who simply believe will all be saved, right?
"Even if it's hard smile and face forward!"
"Tomorrow will be wonderful!"
Yet again today we continue to live,
on a planet that worships words like these.
Tied down to this world
I'm herded on by the dreams trespassing upon my thoughts.
Yet again, today I still haven't broken free of
These double helix chains.
Though I cry
and scream
time passes
Unable to go against
the brightening sky.
And again today, morning comes the same as always
Exposing my very worth
And to escape from the sun's rays
I hide beneath my blankets.
Last edited:
