I lost my friend because of my suicide attempt.

[phantomisgone]

All my life, I hid who I was as a person. I mainly did it because I got backlash from other kids and even my parents when I was younger—them telling me that I was weird, different, and unusual. Well, the reason is that I have Autism Lvl: 2. I'm high functioning, creative, and "smart".

But I felt that I was never good enough for everyone else.
I couldn't relate to the conversations about sex, drugs, popular things, styles, and various trendy things that kids enjoyed. So I felt alienated by the world. Eventually, people did pick up that I am intelligent. So they had me around to help them with their assignments, tasks, bro-points, and other things. Since I'm naturally a caring person for others, I helped them out. I went to great lengths to make sure that others were alright because I knew how it felt to have no one by my side.

However, I knew they were using me. But I always wish that I was wrong about every person. That they were different and actually cared about me. That they didn't think I was weird and could possibly like the real me. Unfortunately, I was right every time.

People who claimed to be my friends were only using me to help them out. They never cared about me as a person. They treated me as a disposable item. Never considering my feelings and how I feel. Every year, I watched them succeed with my help and no one ever noticed me. How I got them where they are now. The grades, grants, scholarships, praise, social status, relationships, and happiness that they got, were from me. But they never cared to think about that.

Even when I did say how I feel that I'm worthless, they always said "no! you're not!" I'm not worthless to them because they want to use me for what I can do. It wasn't from a genuine level of friendship, but more of a human abusing a machine.

Eventually, I just continued to connect the patterns and realized that I was just an outlier of the world. People with autism are alienated and outcasted. While yes there are notable contributors who are "different", it doesn't help or inspire me anymore.

"You have a gift", but it feels like a curse. A curse where I have to limit myself to make sure I'm doing things right. That people would like me.
---
So after years of torment, I finally did it. November 9th I killed myself and was pronounced dead at the hospital. My reasoning was that if people can be selfish towards me and not bat an eye, then I should be obligated to do what's best for me in my life and just leave. So no one can abuse me again and mistreat me. The doctors have no clue how I came back. From what I did to myself, I shouldn't even be typing this, but I came back. When I did, my family was there around me upset. They didn't know how I was feeling. But I wasn't concerned about them. I was concerned about what my friend thought. I was hoping that this time, I can be wrong.

I wasn't. He said that what I did was terrible and that he can't be friends with me anymore. Then ghosted me. After everything I did, he just threw it all away at that moment.

I'm still hurting over it, but I'm healing as well because I'm now starting to see my worth as a person. It's just so unfortunate that I had to go this route to see it. Since then, I've just been reforming myself. To be the person that I want to be. Being my own cheerleader. I know I will meet new people but I still hope that a person that I meet, I'm wrong about them.

 

[Regen]

Leaving you while you were on your deepest point in life..... This is most unbearable...!!! I feel very sorry for you. I know similar experiences.

I am more then happy to read that you can change this cruel experience into something good for you. That's extraordinary.... And a real gift. Take that gift and use it to change your life in something better! I feel you have the power for that... You are not a 0815-person. There are also other Person, who are Special. But its more difficult to find them. Sometimes they are hidden because they have also bad experiences with other people.

I wish there were a forum special for autism and Asperger, because its so difficult finding friends. A friend of me is Asperger too and he has also no friends.

I really hope you can change your life into a much better place! With circumstances you like! With people who loves you and who can see your light!

 

[timf]

You may have what used to be called Aspergers. There is a web site https://wrongplanet.net/forums/ where people can ask others what has helped them cope in a world that seems like a "wrong planet".

One theory is that a neurological variant results in a more complex. faster, or more sensitive neurology. This can give one much more information to process and can interfere with a more typical social interaction.

People who have gone through difficulties may not be able to sustain relationships with others whose more limited experience makes them recoil from that which is outside their experience zone. People like combat veterans, emergency room nurses, victims of crime, ex-cons, cops, or people with different neurology may all find themselves on the social fringe.

You should be congratulated for having done as well as you have on your own with little or no help. In addition, being pushed to be "normal" is a complicating handicap. Having access to information about what you have to deal with can in itself be a help. It opens the door to experimentation that can result in skill development and management skills that can greatly improve life.

 

[phantomisgone]

You may have what used to be called Aspergers. There is a web site https://wrongplanet.net/forums/ where people can ask others what has helped them cope in a world that seems like a "wrong planet".

One theory is that a neurological variant results in a more complex. faster, or more sensitive neurology. This can give one much more information to process and can interfere with a more typical social interaction.

People who have gone through difficulties may not be able to sustain relationships with others whose more limited experience makes them recoil from that which is outside their experience zone. People like combat veterans, emergency room nurses, victims of crime, ex-cons, cops, or people with different neurology may all find themselves on the social fringe.

You should be congratulated for having done as well as you have on your own with little or no help. In addition, being pushed to be "normal" is a complicating handicap. Having access to information about what you have to deal with can in itself be a help. It opens the door to experimentation that can result in skill development and management skills that can greatly improve life.

Thank you so much for recommending me this website. I will look into it.

 

[oneeyed]

I also lost a "friend" due to my attempt. This girl was an old coworker and we had reconnected and shared a love for our dogs. We went on walks with our fur babies together and it was great. She asked about my injury and so I thought I'd tell the whole story as I wanted to have a relationship with her and being honest is important. Well I guess she felt disgusted because she ghosted me after that. I find this to be quite common, it's seldom people fully understand or accept what happened to you and won't bother to offer help, sympathy, or be patient with you and your emotions. To be fair, it is a lot to take in, it's difficult but you are better off without these people. Eventually something would have blown up the relationship because they think they are superior to you. A true friend or significant other is an equal in all aspects.

 

[StolenLife]

I lost someone due to that as well. The fact is that normies will never understand our struggles. It makes them uncomfortable and makes them question the meaning of life. The best course of action is not to tell anyone at all.

 

[Celerity]

That person was not a friend, and what they did to you was truly despicable. It's a cliche to say that you are simply better off without them, but I can't help but think that I would be right to say it in this situation.

You deserve better than people who simply use you.

I have also been abandoned by such people. It hurt immensely at first, but I am doing better now than I ever was with them. A part of you can always tell that their apparent affection is in fact counterfeit, and chasing that fake concern is poisonous to the soul.

 

[noaccount]

For the record "aspergers" is not actually a different thing than Autistic, it was just made up by a guy named Hans Asperger in Nazi Germany to differentiate "these are the autistic people I see as more 'useful' (in the workplace) than normal autistic people who we consider undesirable." But that's a fascist's distinction, right? All disabled lives are worthwhile. You don't have to consider your experiences to be a "gift" but your life still matters whether or not it's relatable to other people. I'm sorry that guy you considered a friend turned out to be so selfish and horrible, to hell with him.

 

[phantomisgone]

For the record "aspergers" is not actually a different thing than Autistic, it was just made up by a guy named Hans Asperger in Nazi Germany to differentiate "these are the autistic people I see as more 'useful' (in the workplace) than normal autistic people who we consider undesirable." But that's a fascist's distinction, right? All disabled lives are worthwhile. You don't have to consider your experiences to be a "gift" but your life still matters whether or not it's relatable to other people. I'm sorry that guy you considered a friend turned out to be so selfish and horrible, to hell with him.

Thanks