charaunderground
* Let justice be done.
- Nov 29, 2024
- 106
Bit of a ramble because I'm working an overnight and a little sleep deprived, sorry.
My entire life has existed as a form of stasis which has only worsened post-adulthood.
I never had any ambition. Untreated and unmedicated ADHD and depression will do that to you. I did the bare minimum to pass classes in school, did good on exams, got a full free ride into college. A person with any will to succeed at all would be overjoyed and work as hard as they could. I dropped out three weeks in.
I stayed at the same miserable job for years because I lacked the drive to change. The job was "stable" even if the pay was the worst in the industry and had extremely unprofessional management. But changing jobs or even job searching would require me to exceed the bare minimum effort requirement I put in, so I still hesitated for years instead of changing while I was ahead.
I still live with my parents. My younger, more immature sister moved out years ago to live with roommates. I haven't. I hardly even look for apartments for rent because the idea of moving and paying rent is too much effort. The continuing abuse from my father is no longer a motivator.
I was a fantastic student and dedicated study up til' middle school. The depression hit and I never really recovered, I just got more functional because not functioning = increased abuse and anxiety (because of said abuse).
I cannot how many times since then, as an early 20 something, I have been told and still am told that I could've been great. That I could have or should have just tried harder. But everytime I've tried, risen above my midline of effort, I've been shot down and ended up feeling worse than if I hadn't tried at all. Anytime I've stood up for myself has led to negative consequences.
I have a steady job. My pay is better — not great, but definitely better than $10/hr — and I work full time. I go on walks. I am asleep late most days. I do little with my time other than being on my phone. I can drive, but rarely do, as that requires focus and (ironically) drive / motivation. I never go outside of my county when I do.
I figure if I don't CTB, I'll end up being one of Those People who's a cautionary tale. Not homeless or in constant agonizing pain or anything so dramatic, but just coasting through life. No ambition. No motivation. Always doing the bare minimum to scrape by and nothing more. The kind of person that, even if I lived a long life, not many people would mourn my passing or remember me as anything more than "my neighbor who is socially awkward" or "that person who buys x at the gas station".
All I do is daydream about a life that isn't my own. A life that is (literally) impossible to achieve. Daydreaming is the only thing that keeps me alive. I hate doing anything besides that or sleeping. If I could do literally nothing all day, no responsibilities, I'd probably be in bed for hours and hours just dozing off thinking about people and scenarios that won't happen and don't exist. It's really sad when I think about it so I try not to.
I don't even really want help. And when I do, I can't imagine ever talking to someone. The last two times I had a shrink (once as a young child, once at 16ish) I just lied to her because I refused to be honest with my feelings. I still am never honest with my feelings IRL. I come off as monotone in private it creeps my parents out, even though ironically they're the ones that hastened this (turns out, telling young children "stop crying / emoting or I'll give you something to cry about" or threatening violence if they're upset makes them so unemotional it's weird — who knew). If I ever got hospitalized for a failed CTB I'd probably just lie to the shrinks til' I was released.
The realization that my life is objectively sad (and that "I'll coast through life doing nothing for 60 more years" sounds horrid) has only hastened my desire to CTB. Who wants to be that one old person who never gets visits at the nursing home because they're so asocial? It's not like I'm ever doing anything with my life anyways.
I've attempted suicide a couple times over the years, never bad enough to need hospitalized or even caught, and have only gotten more wary of failures as I've aged. I'm less scared of being "a vegetable" because at least then I won't be aware. My main fear has always been failing, getting caught or hospitalized, then having to face the consequences from relatives and shrinks. Especially since, again, I could never and would never admit to why I did it, my feelings, etc.
I know I'm going to CTB. I've always known, in a way, for over a decade. It just depends on when and where and what finally gave me the final push.
My entire life has existed as a form of stasis which has only worsened post-adulthood.
I never had any ambition. Untreated and unmedicated ADHD and depression will do that to you. I did the bare minimum to pass classes in school, did good on exams, got a full free ride into college. A person with any will to succeed at all would be overjoyed and work as hard as they could. I dropped out three weeks in.
I stayed at the same miserable job for years because I lacked the drive to change. The job was "stable" even if the pay was the worst in the industry and had extremely unprofessional management. But changing jobs or even job searching would require me to exceed the bare minimum effort requirement I put in, so I still hesitated for years instead of changing while I was ahead.
I still live with my parents. My younger, more immature sister moved out years ago to live with roommates. I haven't. I hardly even look for apartments for rent because the idea of moving and paying rent is too much effort. The continuing abuse from my father is no longer a motivator.
I was a fantastic student and dedicated study up til' middle school. The depression hit and I never really recovered, I just got more functional because not functioning = increased abuse and anxiety (because of said abuse).
I cannot how many times since then, as an early 20 something, I have been told and still am told that I could've been great. That I could have or should have just tried harder. But everytime I've tried, risen above my midline of effort, I've been shot down and ended up feeling worse than if I hadn't tried at all. Anytime I've stood up for myself has led to negative consequences.
I have a steady job. My pay is better — not great, but definitely better than $10/hr — and I work full time. I go on walks. I am asleep late most days. I do little with my time other than being on my phone. I can drive, but rarely do, as that requires focus and (ironically) drive / motivation. I never go outside of my county when I do.
I figure if I don't CTB, I'll end up being one of Those People who's a cautionary tale. Not homeless or in constant agonizing pain or anything so dramatic, but just coasting through life. No ambition. No motivation. Always doing the bare minimum to scrape by and nothing more. The kind of person that, even if I lived a long life, not many people would mourn my passing or remember me as anything more than "my neighbor who is socially awkward" or "that person who buys x at the gas station".
All I do is daydream about a life that isn't my own. A life that is (literally) impossible to achieve. Daydreaming is the only thing that keeps me alive. I hate doing anything besides that or sleeping. If I could do literally nothing all day, no responsibilities, I'd probably be in bed for hours and hours just dozing off thinking about people and scenarios that won't happen and don't exist. It's really sad when I think about it so I try not to.
I don't even really want help. And when I do, I can't imagine ever talking to someone. The last two times I had a shrink (once as a young child, once at 16ish) I just lied to her because I refused to be honest with my feelings. I still am never honest with my feelings IRL. I come off as monotone in private it creeps my parents out, even though ironically they're the ones that hastened this (turns out, telling young children "stop crying / emoting or I'll give you something to cry about" or threatening violence if they're upset makes them so unemotional it's weird — who knew). If I ever got hospitalized for a failed CTB I'd probably just lie to the shrinks til' I was released.
The realization that my life is objectively sad (and that "I'll coast through life doing nothing for 60 more years" sounds horrid) has only hastened my desire to CTB. Who wants to be that one old person who never gets visits at the nursing home because they're so asocial? It's not like I'm ever doing anything with my life anyways.
I've attempted suicide a couple times over the years, never bad enough to need hospitalized or even caught, and have only gotten more wary of failures as I've aged. I'm less scared of being "a vegetable" because at least then I won't be aware. My main fear has always been failing, getting caught or hospitalized, then having to face the consequences from relatives and shrinks. Especially since, again, I could never and would never admit to why I did it, my feelings, etc.
I know I'm going to CTB. I've always known, in a way, for over a decade. It just depends on when and where and what finally gave me the final push.
