Venting i literally can't take being trans any more

[dybydxxtothe4sec3x]

I can't fucking stand being alive in this body any more. I can't stand feeling this ugly and alone and hated by everyone.

My parents despise me for being trans, and my mother blames "obese autistic degenerates on reddit" that have "sucked me into a cult". I can't stand any more lectures from them about how this will destroy my life and how unhappy I'll be. Don't you think i fucking know that? IT ALREADY HAS. I already feel like shit every second of every day, and i have told them yet they won't and can't fucking listen.

They for sure know how bad i feel and do not give a shit. The snide jokes and comments just prove that they think they can bully me out of this "phase" when all they're really doing is making everything worse. How delusional and callous do you have to be to ask your transgender child "why do you do this to yourself? Why do you choose to be unhappy?" I can't CHOOSE to not hate myself or to just be happy. I never CHOSE to be trans, and to think that i want or enjoy any of this is just fucking ridiculous.

They think i enjoy waking up and feeling disgusted by my reflection, and feel obligated to live up to IMPOSSIBLE expectations for what i should look like. I know i'll never pass; that people will always give me double takes. I'm at peace with the reality that I'll never be truly happy, but I cant stand it when they choose to blame me for feeling this way.

Cutting myself doesn't satiate the burning hatred I have for myself any more, and no longer distracts from the word vomit I have to deal with from those pieces of shit on a daily basis. Only CTB can help me escape any of this. I have tried everything else and nothing has worked. I just want to be free from feeling anything any more.

Despite how close I have been and despite the fact that I KNOW im better off dead than alive i still dont have the courage do to it. I'm too much of a fucking coward. I want the endless sleep that's waiting for me, but whenever i get close i freak out and panic. I've tried hanging twice but i keep standing up before i fully go to sleep. I can't work out how to get any SN or N into the UK. I just want to go to sleep and not have to worry about waking up.

 

[FuneralCry]

It's horrible how those people just create way more suffering and are so unnecessarily cruel, it's certainly understandable just wishing for the peace of eternal sleep. But anyway I hope that you eventually find the freedom you search for.

 

[Erick]

I can't fucking stand being alive in this body any more. I can't stand feeling this ugly and alone and hated by everyone.

My parents despise me for being trans, and my mother blames "obese autistic degenerates on reddit" that have "sucked me into a cult". I can't stand any more lectures from them about how this will destroy my life and how unhappy I'll be. Don't you think i fucking know that? IT ALREADY HAS. I already feel like shit every second of every day, and i have told them yet they won't and can't fucking listen.

They for sure know how bad i feel and do not give a shit. The snide jokes and comments just prove that they think they can bully me out of this "phase" when all they're really doing is making everything worse. How delusional and callous do you have to be to ask your transgender child "why do you do this to yourself? Why do you choose to be unhappy?" I can't CHOOSE to not hate myself or to just be happy. I never CHOSE to be trans, and to think that i want or enjoy any of this is just fucking ridiculous.

They think i enjoy waking up and feeling disgusted by my reflection, and feel obligated to live up to IMPOSSIBLE expectations for what i should look like. I know i'll never pass; that people will always give me double takes. I'm at peace with the reality that I'll never be truly happy, but I cant stand it when they choose to blame me for feeling this way.

Cutting myself doesn't satiate the burning hatred I have for myself any more, and no longer distracts from the word vomit I have to deal with from those pieces of shit on a daily basis. Only CTB can help me escape any of this. I have tried everything else and nothing has worked. I just want to be free from feeling anything any more.

Despite how close I have been and despite the fact that I KNOW im better off dead than alive i still dont have the courage do to it. I'm too much of a fucking coward. I want the endless sleep that's waiting for me, but whenever i get close i freak out and panic. I've tried hanging twice but i keep standing up before i fully go to sleep. I can't work out how to get any SN or N into the UK. I just want to go to sleep and not have to worry about waking up.

There's a lot of happy trans in my country (Brazil), there's even some famous ones. Don't know how it works to be trans in the UK though. Maybe you could be happy being trans in a country where being trans is not a big deal.

 

[qu13t5l33p]

Dysphoria compounded with transphobia truly is unbearable. Like you said, being trans leads to disgust and hatred of yourself, and then other people ridicule you for trying to alleviate your pain. Plus if you know that you'll never pass, being optimistic about the future is tough to say the least.