Venting I like the idea of killing myself, do I really want too though?

[notfailingagain]

I was in bed looking at the ceiling after having taken a short Twitter scroll. Looking at all the cool people in my country who have all these awesome twitter posts with all these followers. People complimenting each other. Yes I was comparing myself to other people, that's what I was doing.

Anyway, this brought on a quick bout of depression which led me to start considering suicide. One of my favorite past times for the past 10 years or so. Now, I've had plans before, I've bought the stuff required before. I've been in a hospital a few times because of a failed attempt, failing to kill oneself is probably the most humiliating thing that has happened to me.

So I was going through my e-mail looking for the nice lady that fixed me up with some SN in February last year. I was about to send her an e-mail again to get her to order me some more. But as soon as I was about to send the e-mail I started doubting the decision because the SN was quite expensive. It costs around 150$ and the cost of the SN is literally what stopped me from sending the mail.

Which tells me that I don't want to kill myself, if I sincerely wanted to kill myself I wouldn't even be thinking of buying SN I would just go outside and hang myself right now. Or wake up tomorrow and walk into traffic, what ever. It is the easiest thing in the world to kill yourself, why the fuck do I constantly think about it but lack the will to do it? What is that?

What do I want is what I'm asking myself then, I mean really what is it that my life is missing that evokes the same thought pattern over and over again. Yes it's a pattern and it's repetitive that's probably why it won't go away. But it's not that, it's the fact that I don't appear to be able to find any fulfillment in life. Like absolutely non. What ever it is that I'm doing at any given time in my life slowly stops being enjoyable and I fall back into my comfort zone of staying in bed, scrolling tinder, watching tv, playing video games and becoming suicidal.

I'm also starting to think I'm going bald. I'm sincerely hoping that me going bald will be the tipping point, the silver lining that pushes me over the edge. It would be the perfect excuse, it would be everything that I had ever hoped for and it would put a light touch on my suicide.

 

[rudebeat]

I'll have to say I disagree with the part where you said if you were really suicidal you would just try it with a method that's quickly available. I think wanting to do (not doing) those methods is a sign of being more suicidal. The most easily available methods, like the ones you mentioned can be more painful and can be less likely to work, so it's not all just about if you're ready to die or not. I think sometimes there's no way to tell if you're truly ready to die until you're right on the edge of death. I wouldn't assume that you'll be 100% ready until you get your sn, or once you're fully prepared for whatever method you choose.

I would try to get on medication for the balding if you can, I wouldn't try to let the balding happen as a way to encourage you to ctb. I haven't heard too many examples of people trying stuff like this but it doesn't seem to help much a lot of the time. I'm also balding (since turning 20 btw) but I'm on medication. I wouldn't care about me balding if I could grow facial hair but I definitely can't do that.

 

[notfailingagain]

Well, the clearest sign of being very suicidal is death. I have not achieved death, up until that point how suicidal I am is up for debate.

 

[FuneralCry]

I don't think that someone killing themselves is the easiest thing in the world. Suicide is very difficult because of the survival instinct, even know we want to die we are programmed to survive. Suicide is also difficult as methods can fail and the society takes away the peaceful ways to exit. Just because someone is still here doesn't mean they are not suicidal. If it was easier to leave, I would already be gone. I'm sorry you are suffering. I wish you the best in whatever happens.