NSFW I like feeling sick or injured

[depthss]

I usually self harm just because, even if I'm not upset or doing it as a coping skill. And I like going deeper, it's something I actively try to do.
I induce sickness just because, I do things that I think will make me sick. I purposefully avoid eating healthy food and exercising. I drink and do different drugs mainly because it's bad for me ( though also for fun as well, but that's not even the main focus )
I like when I fall sick. I honestly like the feeling of throwing up, and I purposely take high amounts of medication that I know will make me throw up. I broke out in severe hives that easily covered MOST of my skin. I've never had anything like that happen before and I'm trying to figure out how it happened so I can keep doing it.

I'm meticulously planning out how to do things that I feel could be described as drastic. I'm under eating now, not because of any fear of gaining weight, but just for all the adverse side effects.
I do it because I just hate being here so much. I feel like I'm barley even alive, it's uncomfortable to even describe myself as fully alive. I just hate being here and I want to just ruin my body and my life as much as I can. It makes me like that feeling of discomfort or pain or whatever I'm feeling.

It also makes me just not want to change or improve or anything like that at all. I just want to keep going with all this stuff until I have another opportunity to CTB. Is this something that any other people experience? I know a lot of people do these things, but it's usually for a different reason. Not exercising because of lack of motivation, not eating because of a fear of being fat, self harm, drinking, and drugs as a coping strategy. But does anyone else do it JUST because they like feeling bad? And JUST because they want to see themselves get worse?

 

[willitpass]

I severely self harm. I don't like how it makes me feel, I hate it actually. But I do it to see my body wear itself down. I see it as every time I hurt myself I'm one step closer to dying. I overdose on OTC pain killers to fuck my organs. I abuse laxatives. I have an eating disorder so I restrict, binge, purge, dehydrate. I have had many times where I get myself so hooked on caffeine I'm drinking 5+ energy drinks a day. I deprive myself of sleep. I've attempted to give myself sepsis before. I've attempted to remove limbs. I've done many, many horrible things to myself as a means to wear my body down. I think the only difference is I hate how it makes me feel but I continue because i care more about the ultimate goal than the pain in the moment.

 

[depthss]

I severely self harm. I don't like how it makes me feel, I hate it actually. But I do it to see my body wear itself down. I see it as every time I hurt myself I'm one step closer to dying. I overdose on OTC pain killers to fuck my organs. I abuse laxatives. I have an eating disorder so I restrict, binge, purge, dehydrate. I have had many times where I get myself so hooked on caffeine I'm drinking 5+ energy drinks a day. I deprive myself of sleep. I've attempted to give myself sepsis before. I've attempted to remove limbs. I've done many, many horrible things to myself as a means to wear my body down. I think the only difference is I hate how it makes me feel but I continue because i care more about the ultimate goal than the pain in the moment.

I think you described how I feel perfectly with wanting to "wear my body down." That's really the ultimate goal with everything for me, just wanting to see it deteriorate. I do like the feeling and results, but more than anything my actions are the product of hatred, as opposed to enjoyment

 

[ladylazarus4]

I relate to the part of saying you do it just because. My therapist always asks me why I do it but, usually, I can't answer. Maybe I just like it. I don't know. I like seeing what gruesome things I can do to my body. It makes me feel accomplished, I guess. I do things that disgust my therapist. I remove the fat cells from my wounds, I cut my skin off, etc etc.