Venting I lied to my psychologist and I'm closer to harming myself than ever before.

[voidreverse1982]

You read the title right. A couple months ago I started my apprenticeship at a company and at a school, but what I didn't know is that they offer mandatory free theraphy to their employees with a hired psychologist. A few days ago I had my first meeting with her, and she started asking me a bunch of questions, such as "Do you use drugs?", "Do you smoke?", "Do you have allergies?", etc. All of which I truthfully answered "No". But then, the two questions I feared came. "Do you harm yourself?" and "Do you have suicidal thoughts?". I never actually harmed myself, though I'm seriously thinking about it than ever before. And "Do you have suicidal thoughts?".. I lied, with a "No". I have suicidal thoughts nearly every week, if not nearly every day, for nearly five years now. And I've only been getting closer and closer to my breaking point as life goes on. But I somehow managed to say "No" in a way that is so nonchantly that she believed it, and moved on with the next questions. But inside, I was trembling. I know what will happen if she were to find out that I have suicidal thoughts. Even though mine are passive, I know they won't keep such things confidential, as there is a "risk". And I know that she will eventually find out, because I will be forced to visit her regularly, and that is currently my biggest fear. But the truth is, life is not worth it. My apprenticeship is weighting heavily on me. I have nearly every week for the rest of the year at least one exam to do. And two presentations. And my dad is pressuring me into starting to work for my drivers license, which me, even with 20 years of age, still haven't gotten. Not only that, but I have to take care of the home, cleaning the kitchen, cleaning my room, cleaning the floor. And etc. And that's not including just how much my father is supporting me, such as taxes, rent, etc. And I've gotten weight despite going to the gym for over 2 years. And I never got a girlfriend ever in my life. And two months ago I had a surgery which I'm still to this day still not fully recovered from.

I really shouldn't even exist in the first place. I'm a failure. Born in the wrong world. A world way too difficult for me to find enjoyment that outweights all the suffering and responsibilites it offers. I know there are people that are in living conditions much worse than mine and yet still want to live, but I didn't even choose to be born in the first place. Those people who keep going just show me how worthless I truly am.

Today, I had a really stressing school day, with low sleep, with my train getting delayed, and needing to remember and note every single piece of information for my next exam. Today, my dad also asked me what I am going to eat. I barely ever cook myself anything. I just make two sandwiches and that's it. But my dad still insisted that I cooked a spaghetti for me, him and my mom, as my mom, even though she lives in a different home than me, she is a heavy smoker (20 cigarettes per day), is alcoholic, and has depression because of the new landlord's actions, which I don't wanna go into detail about. And she won't cook anything for herself. So, I had to cook for her too. But even though my dad took over an hour to get home, I still wasn't properly done with the spaghetti when he came. And he complained about it.

But here is the thing. Before he came home, while I was cooking, chopping onions, I just glanced at the knife I was holding. Thinking about slightly sliding my wrist with it. Endure the pain that I know someone as worthless as I am deserve. And experience something new for the first time. Almost as if it was dragging me in. But I didn't actually do it, though I was really close to doing it. Even now I still think about it. Imagining the blood flowing out of my veins and onto my hands and dripping onto the floor.

But I can't do it without first knowing whether it is truly worth it to harm myself. As a way to relieve stress. I'd love to hear from anyone who has ever gone through self harm or is currently going through.

 

[EvisceratedJester]

But I can't do it without first knowing whether it is truly worth it to harm myself. As a way to relieve stress. I'd love to hear from anyone who has ever gone through self harm or is currently going through.

Not worth it. I only stopped self-harming recently (started doing it around 12 years old and now I'm 21), so I say this from experience. The relief it provides you is short-lived and it can end up adding onto to your stress due to fears surrounding others finding out about it, issues with hiding it, and issues with aftercare. I once hit myself so many times in the same spot that I ended up giving myself a small lipoma (it's a sort of benign lump under the skin that moves around if you put pressure on it). The area was also incredibly swollen. It looked like someone shoved a balloon under my skin. I've also bitten the back of my hand so much that at one point it became numb due to what I assume was likely nerve damage. I was scared that it wouldn't heal, though thankfully it did. I also started to become desensitized to seeing my own fat earlier this year due to my cutting getting worse. That's not even getting into the fact that it is not uncommon for people to develop addictions to it.

 

[SVEN]

Self harm will just add to the incredible burden you're already bearing, I fear. And it does have a way of creeping up on you more and more.
I'm so sorry for all you are enduring.