Venting I know my suicide will be labeled as impulsive

[guinea-pig]

I hate how the common thinking with most people is that suicidal people just act on impulse. Just knowing myself and reading other's thoughts/lives I know that's for sure not the case for most who commit. Yeah, maybe a situation will trigger it but these thoughts and feelings and life stories are built up.

It makes me angry because I know I will be labeled as impulsive for choosing to die. Everyone thinks I'm slowly getting better but in reality over the years I'm therapy I've been getting worse inside and I can barely do things with my life. But my actions don't hurt others as much so I'm "better".

Like before I was an angry kid because of my mental issues and I acted out towards others because of it. But now that I've grown up and just thought of acting out like that as weird people think I'm better. Like I still have the thoughts that I want to hurt people as much as the hurt me and sometimes I'll still do it but in an "age appropriate" manner. How can people just tell me I'm getting better when I know myself the best and I know what goes on inside me? I can barely function anymore and I've gotten consistent treatment throughout the past 7 years and honestly I wasn't too open to it for like 3 years but after that I started trying. So 4 years of HARD HARD HARD work in therapy and I still feel worse inside? My therapist says that I didn't try putting in work until 2 years ago though which also hurts because I really did try but it was apparent to no one.

They will still label me as impulsive though because I've never attempted in the past and without any attempts people take it differently. But they will never understand the reason I waited is because I knew I had to wait until I definitely knew what the perfect method is for me. I do not want a chance at surviving an attempt and that's what is keeping me here for this long.

Also sorry for this not making a lot of sense. My thoughts go all over the place when I'm really upset but I need to get some of them out somewhere.

 

[bluebus]

That is a lot to go through, I'm really sorry. It sounds like you really did try your best to get better and you should be proud of that. It sucks that your therapist thinks you only started trying 2 years ago when you've been trying hard for much longer. It must feel really invalidating and frustrating, and I'm sorry about that. Just know that he/she doesn't know what's going on in your head, and at the end of the day, you know the truth- that you tried hard.

In terms of ctbing, we have no control over what people say/think/do after after we're gone. And the good thing is (trying to be optimistic here) is that we won't be around to hear all of the things they say/think about us. But I can understand where you're coming from. If it really means that much to you, maybe write out a note explaining that no, in fact, this wasn't impulsive and that you really did try to make things work before coming to this decision.

I hope that things can better for you but if not, I hope that you can find peace elsewhere. Hang in there, you're strong. Wishing you all the best, bb

 

[DeathSleep]

It baffles me why so many people feel suicide is impulsive in so many cases. Just because people didn't talk to them about it doesn't mean they just thought of it yesterday. It seems like years for most people. And after being on this site and my own experiences I bet a lot of people probably had previous attempts that no one else knew about. Not many people seem to get lucky the first time.
To most people my death will probably seem impulsive as well. I guess people like to think that because if you were suicidal for years then that means they didn't provide enough "help to "save" you for all that time. And that thought would probably hurt them. I'll be gone so whatever they have to think to make themselves feel better is fine.
You could always leave a note expressing how long you've been thinking about suicide so that they know it wasn't impulsive.

 

[TheGoodGuy]

I think it made plenty of since especially the part that it´s build up over time and I never had an attempt either so people might think it´s impulsive then again many people I know they know how many things I struggle with so it won´t be that surprising to them I think.
Again I think the part about the build up is very interesting like people only hear about the end I don´t think many people just experience one bad experience and then off themselves it´s usually pain and suffering that has accumulated over many years even decades also not everyone is impulsive I am really not I plan everything to last detail so I would try and make it as perfect as possible when I decide to ctb that is the idea at least.

 

[Ampsvx123]

Don't look back, but look at the bright skies ahead, this malicious world will keep rotting as it was designed to do, don't partake in it filth.
Injustice and malevolence will prevail, U can't change it, impulsive and far worse will be ur diagnosis.

 

[FuneralCry]

Sadly I think that's what most people label suicides as, because those people cannot and won't even try to understand, those people shouldn't have any right to label a suicide in such a way as it isn't like they can experience existence in the same way as the person who died. But anyway I wish you the best.

 

[lwlaiet8887]

I recommend you leave a message behind, maybe people will skew the truth but the one's who read it will always know your reasons for doing so whether they're in denial or not. I have written a comprehensive reason as to why I'm CBT/my struggle, my messages to individuals, some of my philosophy. I have a very strong nihilistic persona and harsh outlook on life so people won't be shocked in my case.