Venting I know it's over (and it never really began)

[FrankieTeardrop333]

As long as I can remember I've been wanting to ctb (not that I've always been suicidal, just that I don't have any memories from before i was) and the only thing holding me back was my ever-present fear of death. I think it's gone now, at the very least disappearing. I'm only 21 but have already managed to fuck up everything in my life far past the point of no return. In a way I feel free. I won't be missing out on anything because there's no more paths open to me in this life. I've been thinking of it as a terminal illness, where in place of the workings of my body leading me to this it's the workings of my mind; either way I've accepted my fate.


For over a decade I've been planning my way out, I've settled on blood loss. I don't have the connections for drugs or firearms and this feels like the least bothersome method, for myself and others. No guts and gore to clean up, just some liquid, doesn't force anyone to play along (God knows I don't want some poor guy scraping my organs off his windshield), leaves me nice and intact for an open casket if anyone so chooses. Also gives me enough time to repent or call for help if I pussy out last minute. I've never been a cutter (quite squeamish around any slicing actually), I know there are some topical anesthetics that should help. I've read up on near death experiences from people who have involuntarily bled out before and they all say the anxiety is the worst part, maybe its naive of me to assume that since it'll be by my own hand that won't be a worry but I'm pretty sure that'll happen for any method. I imagine it would be a more peaceful way to go as long as I'm prepared for it.

Part of me worries that I'm mistaking all of this. That I don't really want to die, that this is all some desperate ploy for pity that'll end up blowing up in my face. I've spent most of my time imagining backup plans, mapping out what path I would take in case i regret it last minute, what I would say to my loved ones and email to my professors if they asked what happened, weighing the legal and social ramifications of surviving (because apparently the worst thing a suicidal person can do is keep living). For someone who seems so committed to committing I have spent a disproportionate amount of time wondering what comes after a failed attempt rather than a successful one. Even now that I have a set date and time I can't even imagine myself dying, just waking up in a hospital with my life even worse than it was before. I guess if anything I lack the willpower. Hopefully that will change tonight, who knows

 

[Archamais]

I'm going through similar thoughts, I have wanted to CTB for well over a decade but I've now gone the full route of research and planning. I've booked a hotel room, started getting everything ready, ordered SN but if it doesn't arrive I have blood loss as my back up (was my original plan before finding out about SN).

I don't have anything or anyone keeping me here, I've once again loved the wrong person and had it blow up in my face and I'm just so done and just want to sleep for ever. But part of me can't stop thinking about after, and if it doesn't work, or if I'm somehow found. There's like 2% of me that's like maybe I shouldn't, and I'm actively trying to make lists of things that I should live for..... the only thing I can honestly come up with... is to hang out to play the new Harry Potter game.... and the fact that's the only thing I can think of just makes me sadder.

 

[FuneralCry]

I've also wished to die from as long as I can remember but I've certainly never feared death at all. In fact I've always felt the opposite way towards death, I've seen it as being something so comforting and ideal as I believe that we simply cease to exist. I don't really know anything about that method but it's understandable wanting a method like that, which isn't as messy as some of the other ones. To me it's horrible the thought of failing ctb, that's what I fear but I hope that you eventually find the freedom that you wish for.

 

[sigh333]

definitely resonate with this post, and love the smiths reference ~ i've made a playlist of final songs to listen to before and i know it's over was on it.

the complications - social & bodily - of failing to ctb really freak me out, and so does death. i've had vague plans almost every night this week but just can't bring myself to do it. sigh. hope we all find peace, whatever that may look like to us.