yeahokbuddyboy
Member
- Nov 4, 2023
- 45
This is the hardest part of all this for me. Every day, I wish I didn't have parents or a girlfriend so I could just get it over with. I realize that is selfish and that there are people here who would kill to have someone who cares about them but it doesn't fix everything. I'm still chronically lonely and I feel like the few people that love me only think they do because they're supposed to by default.
I'm a freaking recluse at university despite telling myself at the beginning of every semester that THIS will be the one where I come out of my shell. Early on I used to worry about my grades and academic/professional life but that's pretty much out the window now; it feels pointless to think about now because I highly doubt I'll still be here in the spring. There's a lot more going on that I won't get into right now but I'm dealing with a ton of guilt and shame and fear. I tried counseling but honestly I can't stand it and I don't know how to make it work so I think I'm going to stop. I've spent any free time I've had this semester alone in my car driving aimlessly or just sitting in it crying.
Previously I was sustained by the fact that I get to see my girl on some weekends, but now when I think about her I just feel this sadness and regret that I would get seriously involved with her when I in no way deserve her at all. I've withdrawn so much from her over the past several months and she's been upset because she thinks I don't care about her. That's so far from the truth but I don't feel there's anything left inside me to give her and honestly I just wish she would find a reason to cut me off and I could just kill myself. I know it would hurt her but it would not be her fault and I would do my best to let her know that.
I don't know man. Sleep used to be an escape but I can't sleep anymore and when I do my dreams suck. I wish I had some SN and the assorted drugs on hand so I could go out in my own bed or just chilling in my car, but I guess I picked a bad time to want to kill myself because I don't know where to find it.
I'm a freaking recluse at university despite telling myself at the beginning of every semester that THIS will be the one where I come out of my shell. Early on I used to worry about my grades and academic/professional life but that's pretty much out the window now; it feels pointless to think about now because I highly doubt I'll still be here in the spring. There's a lot more going on that I won't get into right now but I'm dealing with a ton of guilt and shame and fear. I tried counseling but honestly I can't stand it and I don't know how to make it work so I think I'm going to stop. I've spent any free time I've had this semester alone in my car driving aimlessly or just sitting in it crying.
Previously I was sustained by the fact that I get to see my girl on some weekends, but now when I think about her I just feel this sadness and regret that I would get seriously involved with her when I in no way deserve her at all. I've withdrawn so much from her over the past several months and she's been upset because she thinks I don't care about her. That's so far from the truth but I don't feel there's anything left inside me to give her and honestly I just wish she would find a reason to cut me off and I could just kill myself. I know it would hurt her but it would not be her fault and I would do my best to let her know that.
I don't know man. Sleep used to be an escape but I can't sleep anymore and when I do my dreams suck. I wish I had some SN and the assorted drugs on hand so I could go out in my own bed or just chilling in my car, but I guess I picked a bad time to want to kill myself because I don't know where to find it.
