LoneMisery
Student
- Jan 23, 2022
- 125
I live close by to fast moving trains. I cant get a g nor do i have the funds or access to the sn or n you all talk about. Everyday i try to tell myself to start walking towards the metra and jump. I try to think about how you get that bad taste in your mouth and nose when you hit your head really hard (if anybodys ever had slammed their head off ice or concrete you know what im talking about) that thats the worst that ill feel. But i dont want to fail. I would really hate to wake up in the hospital with severe damage to my brain and body. But these trains move fast enough its all about not failing the jump or going half way to where only parts of my body hit it.
Problem also is the police are frequent over those tracks and if someones standing there im for sure going to the hospital for different reasons.
But every day it gets nicer the walk there seems less unpleasant. I have a notebook full of self hate but i need to also write a letter
I havent seen or talked to my only brother in months and its making me feel guilty too but i also try to convince him why im a pos when i do see him so idk what to do.
Im so stuck between guilt and self hate i dont want to start drinking heavily again cuz i am getting the best sleep i ever gotten since i quit marijuana and slowed my drinking down but last night proved i cant drink without bursting out into a self hatred rage. Im happy and talkative and then like a switch its as if the world goes dark and all i can think about is self hatred. I also think about it sober but i keep it more to myself which also just hurts my heart.
Idk what else to do because i hate being alone yet nobody wants to be around me unless im wearing a happy veil
Problem also is the police are frequent over those tracks and if someones standing there im for sure going to the hospital for different reasons.
But every day it gets nicer the walk there seems less unpleasant. I have a notebook full of self hate but i need to also write a letter
I havent seen or talked to my only brother in months and its making me feel guilty too but i also try to convince him why im a pos when i do see him so idk what to do.
Im so stuck between guilt and self hate i dont want to start drinking heavily again cuz i am getting the best sleep i ever gotten since i quit marijuana and slowed my drinking down but last night proved i cant drink without bursting out into a self hatred rage. Im happy and talkative and then like a switch its as if the world goes dark and all i can think about is self hatred. I also think about it sober but i keep it more to myself which also just hurts my heart.
Idk what else to do because i hate being alone yet nobody wants to be around me unless im wearing a happy veil