monetpompo
૮ • ﻌ - ა
- Apr 21, 2025
- 603
i just want to be able to tell this to someone and have them not think i'm stupid or get mad at me. i already know it's stupid. i know you can't take any over the counter drug and i know i'm supposed to suck up my fear and hang myself or stay alive to get my license so i can get the income to pay for SN or drive myself to a bridge. don't tell me things i already know because i'm sick of it.
i don't know what to do when everything is so dark and all the things i want to do are far away. i want support and help but there's no help if i'm just going to be locked up in my house with no transportation. no one has anything comforting to say to me and i have to stave off the urge to act like an asshole to the people that are still in my life. i thought that the intrusive thoughts would go away but they're still there and i'm still a piece of garbage. i don't know why i seek out such a fantasy death where i lay down and die when a death is naturally violent and will be painful. this post isn't about dying from taking 700 crushed tylenol pills, but about the idea that i could have even a little control over my situation by doing something inherently reckless. teens take tylenol and live because they just puke it up. or they go to the emergency room and have to admit they took a bunch of tylenol and get sent to the ward. but they did it because they wanted to die and they had no idea how to.
i want to be free, but i'm not free. there isn't a situation in the near future where i won't feel like a burden or like i have to rely on my friends or my parents to go anywhere. i need my license to even live my life anymore. i think about the life i could've had if i was a little more privileged, if my parents just bought me driving lessons while i was in high school, and i would feel so much less insecure about myself. i know that's generalizing the situation, but there have been so many opportunities where i wanted to go out and have fun or make plans with people but i had to stay at home instead because i couldn't drive there myself. there's no public transportation in texas and i would have to buy myself an uber both ways. i really want someone to understand just how lonely it is to know that you could hang out with people and there are things you want to see outside of your house, but you can't do anything but lay in bed and think about it.
when i went out to see a movie earlier in october with my sister i started zoning out while we waiting for our dad to pick us up because i felt like such a failure for not being able to drive home on my own or call an uber for myself, since my phone had died. and when i went to see an akira kurosawa film downtown, i couldn't enjoy the movie afterwards because i felt so frustrated that i needed to wait an hour for my dad show up. my phone was also dying there too, so i was anxious that i wouldn't know when he was there. i felt like jumping in front of one of the cars driving by because i felt so miserable. that's part of why i hate going out to movies now, since i need a ride there and back or i'll just get stranded there while my dad's asleep or at work. i'm not allowed to want to go out because i need my dad to drive me there.
there was also a time where i had to convince of my classmates from my community college to drive me to school because my dad's car broke down during finals season. that just made me feel super, super pathetic at the time. it's just kind of humiliating having the same amount of responsibility that i did when i was 16.
i've been really sad lately. it's hard for me to not dwell on how lame my life is when i've been contemplating suicide so heavily only to realize that i can't go through with it. death seems like the most soothing thing in a situation you can't control, because at least there's an idea that there's an end to it. with recovery, all i imagine is days/months/years of this until i "get better", whenever that happens. if it ever happens. and that makes me so afraid. i'm so afraid that i'll never get better and i actually am fucked up for life. i'm terrified that i could be looking back at this exact moment and regret that i didn't kill myself tonight because it only got worse and worse as i got older. i can think of ways my life can get worse from here, but i'm also scared that absolutely nothing will change and the whole world will move on without me.
i want warm, loving, kind support. but i won't find that in anyone. i can't be loved by anyone. my brain is just all wrong. no one has anything they can say to me at all. i want to do something that kills me so i can be loved when i'm dead. i think that i want to start screaming.
i don't know what to do when everything is so dark and all the things i want to do are far away. i want support and help but there's no help if i'm just going to be locked up in my house with no transportation. no one has anything comforting to say to me and i have to stave off the urge to act like an asshole to the people that are still in my life. i thought that the intrusive thoughts would go away but they're still there and i'm still a piece of garbage. i don't know why i seek out such a fantasy death where i lay down and die when a death is naturally violent and will be painful. this post isn't about dying from taking 700 crushed tylenol pills, but about the idea that i could have even a little control over my situation by doing something inherently reckless. teens take tylenol and live because they just puke it up. or they go to the emergency room and have to admit they took a bunch of tylenol and get sent to the ward. but they did it because they wanted to die and they had no idea how to.
i want to be free, but i'm not free. there isn't a situation in the near future where i won't feel like a burden or like i have to rely on my friends or my parents to go anywhere. i need my license to even live my life anymore. i think about the life i could've had if i was a little more privileged, if my parents just bought me driving lessons while i was in high school, and i would feel so much less insecure about myself. i know that's generalizing the situation, but there have been so many opportunities where i wanted to go out and have fun or make plans with people but i had to stay at home instead because i couldn't drive there myself. there's no public transportation in texas and i would have to buy myself an uber both ways. i really want someone to understand just how lonely it is to know that you could hang out with people and there are things you want to see outside of your house, but you can't do anything but lay in bed and think about it.
when i went out to see a movie earlier in october with my sister i started zoning out while we waiting for our dad to pick us up because i felt like such a failure for not being able to drive home on my own or call an uber for myself, since my phone had died. and when i went to see an akira kurosawa film downtown, i couldn't enjoy the movie afterwards because i felt so frustrated that i needed to wait an hour for my dad show up. my phone was also dying there too, so i was anxious that i wouldn't know when he was there. i felt like jumping in front of one of the cars driving by because i felt so miserable. that's part of why i hate going out to movies now, since i need a ride there and back or i'll just get stranded there while my dad's asleep or at work. i'm not allowed to want to go out because i need my dad to drive me there.
there was also a time where i had to convince of my classmates from my community college to drive me to school because my dad's car broke down during finals season. that just made me feel super, super pathetic at the time. it's just kind of humiliating having the same amount of responsibility that i did when i was 16.
i've been really sad lately. it's hard for me to not dwell on how lame my life is when i've been contemplating suicide so heavily only to realize that i can't go through with it. death seems like the most soothing thing in a situation you can't control, because at least there's an idea that there's an end to it. with recovery, all i imagine is days/months/years of this until i "get better", whenever that happens. if it ever happens. and that makes me so afraid. i'm so afraid that i'll never get better and i actually am fucked up for life. i'm terrified that i could be looking back at this exact moment and regret that i didn't kill myself tonight because it only got worse and worse as i got older. i can think of ways my life can get worse from here, but i'm also scared that absolutely nothing will change and the whole world will move on without me.
i want warm, loving, kind support. but i won't find that in anyone. i can't be loved by anyone. my brain is just all wrong. no one has anything they can say to me at all. i want to do something that kills me so i can be loved when i'm dead. i think that i want to start screaming.
Last edited:
