I keep telling myself it'll get better

[so tired or manic]

that my problems aren't all that horrible, I can move on. with about 10 diagnosed diseases and no one I can remotely turn to, I feel so lost. the PTSD keeps me from seeing a therapist to be able to begin to move on. it also stops me from making friends. I hardly sleep. the people I live with don't treat me any better than furniture, but I lack the income to be able to move. speaking up, which I have tried, is beyond useless.

tomorrow I'm sure I'll find a silver lining again. forget the pain that never leaves. I have to because dying is not an option for me.

I wish I had the ability to fix things. I wish I had the money to live. my disability only equates to about $5 an hour if I were working full time and people keep saying how it's impossible to live on $7.25 or whatever the minimum wage is now.

there is no help. there is no future. only suffering. but I have to push on and continue with tiny little steps and hope some day they'll actually make a difference.

 

[esse_est_percipi]

dying is not an option for me.

Why not?
I'm not saying it should be, but I'm curious why you've just ruled it out completely.

 

[so tired or manic]

I've attempted many times in the past and without reaching out I'm still found, wind up in a coma for a while, and go on like nothing changed. I don't understand this need to save a life when all the life is is pure suffering.

 

[esse_est_percipi]

I've attempted many times in the past and without reaching out I'm still found, wind up in a coma for a while, and go on like nothing changed. I don't understand this need to save a life when all the life is is pure suffering.

Sorry to hear that.
Nobody should have to put up with too much suffering.

people I live with don't treat me any better than furniture

That's awful.

tomorrow I'm sure I'll find a silver lining again

I hope so. I wish you all the best.

 

[so tired or manic]

but maybe just having ctb as an option will help you to cope better.

I've thought time and time again how I can just go away and get it done with, but nothing is guaranteed to work. I can't afford a hotel or place a tent anywhere.

my animals need me. as terrible as life is, my death is guaranteed to cause theirs. I have no option but to keep plugging on.

 

[esse_est_percipi]

there is no future. only suffering

that my problems aren't all that horrible, I can move on. with about 10 diagnosed diseases and no one I can remotely turn to, I feel so lost. the PTSD keeps me from seeing a therapist to be able to begin to move on. it also stops me from making friends. I hardly sleep. the people I live with don't treat me any better than furniture, but I lack the income to be able to move. speaking up, which I have tried, is beyond useless.

tomorrow I'm sure I'll find a silver lining again. forget the pain that never leaves. I have to because dying is not an option for me.

I wish I had the ability to fix things. I wish I had the money to live. my disability only equates to about $5 an hour if I were working full time and people keep saying how it's impossible to live on $7.25 or whatever the minimum wage is now.

there is no help. there is no future. only suffering. but I have to push on and continue with tiny little steps and hope some day they'll actually make a difference.

PM me if you ever want to talk. No strings attached, I'll listen if you just need someone to talk to. I'm not judgmental. I also have many difficulties at the moment.

 

[XYZ]

I kept telling myself the same shit. For me it'll only get better when I am six feet under.

but I have to push on and continue with tiny little steps and hope some day they'll actually make a difference

How do you manage to keep the hope?

 

[cantgetoutofbed]

that my problems aren't all that horrible, I can move on. with about 10 diagnosed diseases and no one I can remotely turn to, I feel so lost. the PTSD keeps me from seeing a therapist to be able to begin to move on. it also stops me from making friends. I hardly sleep. the people I live with don't treat me any better than furniture, but I lack the income to be able to move. speaking up, which I have tried, is beyond useless.

tomorrow I'm sure I'll find a silver lining again. forget the pain that never leaves. I have to because dying is not an option for me.

I wish I had the ability to fix things. I wish I had the money to live. my disability only equates to about $5 an hour if I were working full time and people keep saying how it's impossible to live on $7.25 or whatever the minimum wage is now.

there is no help. there is no future. only suffering. but I have to push on and continue with tiny little steps and hope some day they'll actually make a difference.

Can you say a bit about what you're going through? I wonder if we have similar symptomatology etc. It seems like we may. Are you able to function?

 

[AvaAdore]

Have you tried speaking with a therapist online? Maybe that would be easier than face to face or video chat.

 

[so tired or manic]

How do you manage to keep the hope?

Because I keep trying to die and no matter how many times I've tried I'm found too soon. after a while I decided to stop doing damage and wait for when everything feels perfect. even when alone, even when days have gone by without anyone entering my room I'm unconscious and that's when they come in. locking the door always gets unscrewed if not forcefully removed.

Can you say a bit about what you're going through?

I have a bunch of autoimmune diseases. even my cells hate my body. the only one that can kill me without taking many years is type 1 diabetes, but it takes roughly a week to get there. they say the more autoimmune you have, the more that are likely to pop up so I keep hoping for one of the deadly ones, but with my luck it'll be ms next.

 

[puppy9]

There's voices in my head telling me that I can get better and be sucessful. But every time I tried I came out worse than before. I hope this thoughts will go away so that I can end it in peace. *sigh