moving through all of it. not asking for help.trying to express myself without asking to be fixed. trying to focus without feeling conflicted. talking a lot less. it's easy to mute someone, it would be nice to mute your mind, nothing settles and nothing is settled. i will always be unsettled. accusations of drama. why bother talking when nothing can change, just a blank face to be punched. i wish I could think straight. i see the sun shining, not for me though. I want to erase myself completely but to do that takes time, work, focus, you still have to think about making it work and you still have to work through being told you're mentally ill, you can't be fixed. i don't ask for fixing, I ask for stillness so I can settle down and die. I ask for dignity as pain overwhelms me and shoots out of me in ways that affect me in public. when your head feels this heavy, when you are so shattered you never want to leave the house, what's the best method? do I jump off a nearby dual carriageway and make the local news? experiment with overdoses? starve myself? i feel nothing but embarrassment and don't want to keep talking but at the same time sort of feel the only way to get to death, the point of death, the sanctuary of death is to talk my way towards it, despite the slurs and smackdowns. i can't see it. i don't see my way out yet. not a sign i won't kill myself, just can't see my lucky break yet. I can't wait to die, it's just not happening for me yet.
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- Apr 17, 2024
- 391
probably correct. i tried an overdose before which was a mix of things, apparently i nearly died, apparently going by this forum it's impossible, i don't know what to believe, my own life experience, the collective life experience of this forum, anything
i am not a cold person. i never will be. there is a bridge to cross, for me it's never ending doubt failure pain anxiety against finality devastation mixed with smug satisfaction, something will happen, i just want it to come from me and finality is better than anything else, i can't change, there are no changes i can make for my life, if i had a firearm i would shoot myself now, maybe you need to be cold to kill yourself. i hate existing, all i can do is take up space or bring my life down on me which leaves me stuck taking up space. i sense i need to really work at something to make an attempt work for me, i know when i die no one will give a fuck and despite that hurting me i am working towards accepting it, there is just so much to work at, i don't want a perfect attempt but an attempt that works and is private is all i need
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