Actually, what the question says. There's still something holding me back. It's mom's birthday will be soon, then I'm arranged to go out with someone and I don't want to let him down. I had a ctb on Monday and what? I decided that I don't want to spoil Halloween for my little sister, because I know she really likes this holiday. How do I stop making excuses and finally do it? I don't want to live anymore, I just can't ctb. I'm fucking coward.
You're not a coward. I promise you, that is not cowardice. I used to say the same thing. Someone died and I blamed myself for a long, long time. I still do, some. I thought that I should kill myself, that I didn't deserve to live, that I deserved to go to Hell and be punished for eternity. It was only my cowardice that kept me from the just fate I deserved. But one thing that I eventually realized is what I didn't deserve: No matter how much shit life was piling on me, I didn't deserve to have
me piling more shit on myself. I didn't deserve to have
me blaming me, too.
You have a kind heart, caring for your family. That's not cowardice. On the contrary. You're living in suffering, despair, but continuing on for the sake of others. That is not cowardice.
You see, CTB is not bravery or cowardice. It doesn't fall on that spectrum. Like zeitgeist isn't a color. So if something keeps stopping you, instead of beating yourself up... maybe it just means you're not as sure as you think you are. And this is a decision you can't change, once you make it. So you owe it to yourself to take all the time you need to be
sure. CTBing is the last resort, because it's the final resort.
As I worked through my problems, there wasn't a day that I didn't think about suicide. It was always there as an option, a ripcord I could pull if things got too much. The Alt-F4 of life. Somehow, knowing that I could always CTB if things got too much to bear got me through the things that I needed to.