I don't think I am capable of change anymore. It's getting to the point where it's affecting my job and possibly going to end up with me in jail for stalking.
I think it would be best for everyone if I just died now to make things better. I don't know if I can change or change in any meaningful way. My ex boyfriend broke up with me in December and I have been constantly calling him, texting him, and emailing him to contact me back. He's taken it up with HR (we work at the same company but at separate locations) and now he's saying he will get a restraining order. I'm afraid because I still want to call him and email him and I don't know how long I'll keep from doing that.
I'm so scared.
I can relate to this though I think I'm somewhat the opposite - I ended up getting to a point where my anxiety would barely allow me to text or write at all, and ended up contributing to the downfall of the relationship. I've always thought people were better off without me in their lives, so in some ways it becomes easier for me to not write. I think it's better for them, and then the anxiety can even stop me from writing. Unfortunately, this tends to even affect friendships and work relationships so I find it difficult to reach out to anyone.
When I think too much or see an old picture from her, it can make me ache inside but I'm to a point where I don't even know how to communicate with her and I'd rather her not see me falling apart. She's got enough to handle, and if she did find happiness I wouldn't want to taint it for her since I've probably tainted her life enough. That's my thoughts/thinking, but I have been guilty of ghosting people or just becoming awful at responding since the anxiety becomes too much or I truly believe they're better without me. I can't imagine being at the same company as an ex, I hope you don't work close together - that would be like constantly ripping open a wound. I think space is best, and then time. Things can just get easier with time, or you can become more numb, or potentially get more mental issues that keep you from talking too much (gosh I'm always an optimist). I don't know if taking time off is an option but maybe you could try to fill your life with things other than your ex so you just don't have time to even consider talking to him.
I realize a lot of things that 'work' for me are actually unhealthy, or more likely toxic, but I really think forcing yourself to keep space, however you can find it possible to do so, is best. I agree with
@onlyanimalsaregood in that you can think from the perspective that should there be any chance of things ever working out again, then it's in your own benefit to keep space and take time off. I like to think everyone is better off without me or that leaving now would be best, but that's deciding things for others. But I'm also for the idea you should do things you feel are in your best interest as well. Best wishes whatever you decide to do and I'm sorry you're dealing with this, I know how hard it can be to lose a relationship with someone who has such importance to us.
(i don't want to sound condescending! i said that only because i'm super codependent so this is what came to my mind)
